Just Sayin

straight up

2011-10-13T13:57:00.003-05:00

I've been spending so much time thinking/talking about #OWS that I need to do a quick brain-dump on my thoughts on the situation to stay productive. So here they are.

Before I say anything, let it be known that I fully support #occupywallstreet and if I wasn't one of the lucky few whose skill set, hustle (and privilege) allows me to make ends meet without a day job, I would be occupying wall street too. But I think I owe it more to those who can't to follow my dream and I don't think the movement really needs more lefty intellectuals. But what really pushed me to the point of having to write something is Tom Morello's inane statement that he "wouldn't be surprised to see Blackwater called in" in response to the protestors not wanting to leave.

I started following a lot of writers in the Middle East during the Arab Spring, especially in Egypt, Libya, Bahrain and Syria. I've been reading live-coverage and looking at graphic pictures of what an unchecked and brutal police force can do against a rebellious public. Pepper spray is nothing when hospitals are being bombed and doctors are being put on trial for sedition for trying to heal the injured. I also have vivid memories of the 2004 Presidential debates, where massive protests stayed peaceful until a bunch of anarchists charged a wall of riot police. They were arrested and failed to start a damn riot, for better or for worse.

I'm wary of "protest culture." People (ie my friends and twitter acquaintances) were salty about the lack of media coverage of #OWS when it started gaining momentum, but I think nobody paid attention because there are always protests going on in New York City. There are a lot of things to protest! But when you see a group of union workers milling around with signs on a street corner, or some white dudes with dreads holding signs on a daily basis, it blends into the background. New York is filled with unpleasant reminders of how hard life can be; if I'm not giving money to a homeless man with a festering wound on his bare foot, I'm probably not going to react much to well-reasoned reminders of the fucked up corporatized country/world we live in. Protests aren't news when a certain type of people are doing them.

(So that being said, I was thrilled when the Transit Workers Union supported #OWS, and then marched in support and have donated both manpower and money to the cause. In my time in the professional left, there was always a gap between well-meaning students and blue-collar workers; bridging that divide legitimizes a movement quite a bit.)

I'm also wary of protest culture's antagonistic relationship with the police. On one hand, it's entirely understandable and totally justified. There are a lot of asshole cops, and the NYPD (and most police departments) hate the protest culture right back, and nobody is surprised when some bastard pepper sprays some innocent people. But I'm a little more sympathetic to the guys who have to contain the marches, and less sympathetic to anyone who gets smacked while trying to breach a metal barrier. New York is a really great place to protest (less so than it used to be, I know), and despite all of Bloomberg's grumbling, the city has been has been accommodating to #OWS. Posting up in Zuccotti Park is legal, if not welcome, and it's pretty amazing that nobody's been forced out yet. Both Brookfield, which owns Zuccotti Park, and the NYPD have been refreshingly grown-up about the whole situation. While "we don't have the legal justification or jurisdiction to kick these dudes out" is cool, we all know that if the powers that be wanted them out, the NYPD would find a way.

This all is the bizarro flipside of Elizabeth Warren's amazing critique of the idea that taxes get in the way of corporate growth: taxes pay for the infrastructure which makes small business growth possible in the US, and New York City's liberal approach towards protest allowed for #OWS to get as big as it is. Shit was not as sweet in Boston. And while there's been significant union support in Boston, I'm not sure it's been as strong as it has in New York, and I don't get the sense the crowd has diversified much beyond your average protest crowd.

That being said, I understand it wouldn't be this way without the constant push-back of career activists, leftist politicians, lawyers, citizen journalists and rabble-rousers. New York is a liberal city because of the multitude of people who fight to keep it that way, often at their own peril, and I fully support that. But there is some truth in that "serve and protect" credo, and while #OWS's homegrown institutions are amazing, I wouldn't feel great about homegrown security.

So that brings us to the point we are at now, where Bloomberg wants to clean up Zuccotti Park -- literally. It's a shanty town, and it's apparently gross. The plan sounds both reasonable and necessary, and I rolled by eyes when I saw protesters were, of course, digging in their heels and setting up a plan to clean up the park themselves. But the word is NYPD/Brookfield has been looking the other way on a stated rule against lying down, sleeping, tarps, sleeping bags, and settling in for permanent residency of any kind, and they are going to end that courtesy after the clean-up. That would effectively end #OWS as an occupation. It's a serious impasse!

So it was in that context that Tom Morello said he wouldn't be surprised if Blackwater showed up. Note that I fucking hate Tom Morello because I saw his Nightwatchman shtick open for The Coup a few years ago, and it was the most inane, pandering, outdated protest-folk one could imagine. It was about as hard-hitting as a will.i.am conscious track. It bordered on self-parody.

And I don't think we'll be seeing Blackwater called in, not because Blackwater no longer exists (they changed their name to Xe), but because there are some truths to the future of #OWS, possibly ones that NYPD head Ray Kelly is smart enough to understand. There is a direct relationship between violence and attention -- bringing in a bunch of roided-up ex-Marines to mow everyone down would probably elicit some kind of violent uprising among anyone left, and more importantly, a guarantee Bloomberg wouldn't get elected next term. (Also: SO MUCH PAPERWORK. Remember when Prez accidentally shoots the wall in season 1 of The Wire and Carver is like "you fire your gun, you write"? Yeah, that.)

I don't know what happens next, and we might find out later today. But it raises some interesting questions about the long-term goals of #OWS. But on that note, I want to say a healthy "fuck you" to everyone questioning the long-term goals of #OWS, as grounds to dismiss the movement outright.

I saw the really amazing Iraq War play/documentary Black Watch earlier this year. It tells the story of what was once Scotland's military elite regimen, and how the war in Iraq whittled them down. It ends with the troops doing a big military exercise/dance routine, on some "this is all so fucking stupid and insulting and dangerous that we have run out of words to express ourselves, so we are showing it physically by dancing." It sound really dumb but it's incredibly powerful.

I see a parallel in #OWS. I don't know what #OWS is trying to accomplish, per se. The banks/Wall Street are part of the problem, but not the whole problem, and I would venture a lot of bankers and traders are on board with #OWS. Wall Street is stupid, banking is a big shell game, but they're also responsible for a lot of American prosperity (and global prosperity). We are where we are more as a result of the greed and arrogance of a small few, than because capitalism is evil in and of itself. This picture is dumb as hell, and this article makes the point pretty nicely that capitalism isn't monolithic.

But even without a stated goal, cohesive mission statement, or easily identified leadership, you don't have to know very much to understand that Americans are being screwed. Not "some Americans," not blue-collar workers, not immigrants, not Blacks, not Muslims; while there's a lot of fuckery going on in the United States, we are all united in how we are being fucked by the power structures in our country. The wealth gap is turning parts of America into the third world. Employment is increasingly scarce. Healthcare is unreasonably expensive (especially without a job). Our wealth is being funneled into the well-protected bank accounts of the elite, and into a pair of wars in Iraq and Afghanistan whose cost in lives and treasure (American and otherwise) is absolute unforgivable. What little money the people have left isn't enough to fuel the consumer demand that is supposed to drive our economy. The foreclosure epidemic is gutting previously pleasant neighborhoods, both urban and suburban (and exurban). Our refusal to support infrastructure and public educational institutions is a ticking time bomb. All that and I'm not even getting political yet!

The backlash against #OWS is a glorious cornucopia of straw men. It's easy to go down to Zuccotti Park and find a few freaks, then dismiss the entire movement accordingly. And it's easy to shoehorn the movement into whatever box one finds easy to write off. My personal favorite is the failed musician, who really just sounds hella mad that nobody liked his rock music. I said this on twitter that I would pay like $1000 to see Slim Thug yell at this dude about his lack of hustle. Oh and shout out to the dude who tried to poop on a police car.

(And I'm guilty of this shoehorning too, as you know if you read my amorphous critiques of "protest culture" above. Just sayin!)

But anyways, #OWS's lack of message or uniformity is its beauty. It doesn't have a point. It doesn't have a goal. It pure, manifested frustration and anger. Anyone with a basic understanding of how our country works knows things aren't working the way they're supposed to. Everyone else has, I guess, been brainwashed into thinking they are entirely to blame for their debt, unemployment or other problems.

And because I have faith in people, I have faith in #OWS's future and longevity. I understand the frustration with the lack of media coverage, but I also know that grown folks peacefully demonstrating (or even somewhat violently demonstrating) is not interesting to most people, even if they support the movement. And that's why the media pays more attention to the Tea Party's unintentional hilarity: not because of some vast conspiracy, but because a fat white dude yelling about liberty in a tri-cornered hat is a lot more entertaining than actual political discourse. Coverage does not equal popularity though! According to Time, #OWS is twice as popular as the Tea Party. (This is the same reason the media keeps acting like anyone who isn't Mitt Romney is actually going to win the Republican nomination).

Another thing to consider: the NYPD has a union, and the cops are blue collar workers fighting for funding just like everyone else. That goes for every city in America. We all love The Wire, so we should all have a little sympathy for cops, many (most?) of whom are just guys and gals who took a career which is kind of cool, pretty interesting, and also affords the stability of a government job. And no matter how diversified, globalized a bank is, or how much they pay lobbyists, you can't squeeze blood from a stone. We're on a downward spiral (no Reznor) that affects everyone with exposure to, well, society. So its no surprise to see some bankers embracing #OWS. Even if he's just pandering for the sake of good PR (or fear?), Pandit's words do mean something.

(Side note: is it just me or is Bank of America the biggest sucker on the planet right now? Every bank was "poised to" charge a service fee for using a debit card in response to new laws about maximum swipe fees and their transparency, but how dumb do you have to be to be the bank that goes first? Am I naive or are Chase and Wells Fargo just gonna sit back and enjoy all the new customers they pick up from BoA by not tacking on that service fee? Maybe I underestimate the fraternity and trust between bankers, but between this and that BoA somehow got talked into buying Countrywide, who held the lions share of the hopeless mortgages in America, BoA just looks dumb as hell. Anyways.)

So looking to the future. This isn't ending any time soon, as things aren't getting better for us any time soon. I'm looking forward to the political ramifications of #OWS and its sister movements across the country. Think about how much good will could come from candidates visiting the sites! Think about candidates pressing the flesh of such a diversified audience without having to raise the funds and media attention to get them there! Think about the opportunities to network and build relationships with community organizers, union leaders and ordinary frustrated people! If I'm running for office in 2012 -- ANY office, from city council to the senate -- and I'm a democrat, I'm pressing up a one-sheet, putting on a nice suit and heading down to the 99% movement in my local city. Because it's not a uniform, well-organized movement with a few leaders whose endorsement can look good on paper. It's a grab bag of frustrated, smart, reasonable informed people, many of whom probably gave up on politics (especially local politics!) years ago.

(Related: fuck anyone who "doesn't vote" because it "doesn't do anything." You've forfeited your right to complain.)

OK I've spent three hours writing this and I feel like my head is clear. Thanks for reading.

Forth

2011-06-23T07:17:00.002-05:00

Just read this great op-ed on Rick Perry and capital punishment by Ta-Nehisi Coates in The New York Times. I read it because I follow TNC on Twitter and he linked it because he wrote it.

I don't read The Times that much as "The Times." I don't load it up the way I load up, like, Gawker or Slate or Altered Zones (LOL) when I want to know what's poppin in the world via the internet. When I read The Times, it's usually because somebody linked something on Twitter or Facebook (or sent me an article etc etc). So good on TNC for linking his op-ed. But, I only saw it because I'm up at the ungodly hour of 8:30 AM (DJ hours = 11-4, just sayin). Because he's only gonna tweet about it once.

When rappers, DJ's, bands, etc. put anything up for their fans to check out, they don't tweet about it once when it drops. They tweet about it for a week+ before it drops. They tweet the moment it drops, then they tweet regularly to remind you it's still there. And then they RT everyone who says anything nice about it. It's kind of annoying, but it's also a fact of modern promo: yelling loud wins and people will deal with it if they like you.

So why don't writers do the same thing?

If you write for The New York Times, it probably seems gauche to swing your dick around so much on the internet. But if you are writing for The New York Times you probably a pretty great writer with something well-considered and interesting to say. I know The Times has feeds for all its articles, chopped up into mini-feeds by topic, and TNC probably figures anyone who wants to read his column is going to see it in their faithful perusing of The Grey Lady. But I'm a young creative with unconventional hours, and I don't faithfully peruse The Grey Lady. So on an average day, I would have missed it (as would a lot of readers far-flung in different time zones).

I'm not saying TNC should be sending out hourly tweets like "NEW HOT SHIT DROPPIN TOMORROW!" but a couple reminders during the day wouldn't hurt and wouldn't annoy anyone too much.

(PS: There is a much longer piece here about why writing gets this kid gloves treatment... every writer I follow, from Farhad Manjoo's nerdy ass to J. Smooth (who, as a thought leader on hip-hop, is familiar with aggressive self-promo), is pretty demure about their own work, even while avidly tweeting the rest of the time.

PPS: There's also something here comparing publications to record labels, in that artists keep pushing their work even after they get signed.

PPPS: But really though, I just want to see Carl Zimmer start tweeting like Riff Raff.)

In defense of Kreayshawn

2011-06-10T19:18:00.003-05:00

Man, nothing like a swagged-out, #based white girl who raps questionably about thug shit, hangs out with Odd Future and maybe says the n-word to get a lot of people upset, huh?

In case you missed it, Kreayshawn unleashed the video for her single "Gucci Gucci" a few weeks ago, and the tried and true path of viral video success followed. Homegirl is now puffin blunts with Snoop Dogg and signed to a $1 million deal with a major. Meanwhile, the haters are hating in full force for all the obvious reasons. And as with the internet's reaction to Odd Future before it, the number of opinions far outweighs the number of unique or thoughtful critiques. But it wasn't until the homie Dr. LawyerIndianChief put this article from The Root up yesterday and I felt a need to respond.

In that article, Timmhotep Aku makes the claim that Kreayshawn's novelty is what's getting her over. She is, after all, a white (!) girl (!!) rapping cutely about selling pills while dressed like Minnie Mouse. It's a recurring idea in critiques of her, and it's frequently linked with the fact that The Fader, champion of all things "hipster", was an early adopter of the "Gucci Gucci" video.

The prevailing understanding on Kreayshawn's success from these dudes seems to be:

1) Quirky white girl makes video for her rap song
2) Rap song has n-words, guns and drugs in it
3) Rap video has apparent cosign from weird rappers the kids seem to love so therefore...
4) ...The Fader likes it and...
5) ..."hipsters" like it so...
6) ...hip-hop is dead.

This sells Kreayshawn really short (and gives The Fader waaaaaaaay too much credit).

Say what you will about her music, K had been putting serious work into building a personal brand, along with the rest of White Girl Mob, long before "Gucci" dropped. She was acting weird, partying hard, making porntastic pixel art and shooting videos for Lil B for years. She did a (pretty bad) mixtape with DJ Woogie called "Kittys and Choppas" last year. She also did a really great screwed and chopped Spice Girls tape. She had like 10,000 followers on Twitter (40k+ now, I think?). None of these things are reasons for someone to like a rapper, but they are reasons to be interested in somebody's work.

So suffice to say, she's not an overnight success, propelled to fame by The Fader and its ilk. As a matter of fact, anyone saying she is is really out of touch with how the industry works these days. You can't really get up on Fader unless you have some pull. Major blog/magazine plugs don't come without management and connections. And for all the reasons listed above, I don't see her lasting three days in her new hometown of Los Angeles without some young, smart type-A dude signing on as her manager. "Gucci Gucci" went out on a handful of high profile sites and she was tweeting about it for a week. It was planned, and it was planned well, and whether or not you like her music, you should give her her props for a successful explosion into the national consciousness.

Also, for anyone lazily writing about "hipsters" in New York: they live in Bed-Stuy and Bushwick now (not Williamsburg), and they're way more into dubstep and future garage than rap.

Next up: not being able to rap isn't and long-since hasn't been a good reason to not like a rapper. I like a lot of rappers who can't really rap. Some of my favorite rappers are pretty useless on the mic but have a good ear for beats, write good hooks and make really fun music. Biz Markie, Group Home, Waka Flocka Flame, Shawty Lo, Soulja Boy, Missy Elliot etc etc etc. "Rubba Band Business 2" is the best album of 2011 so far and there's nothing resembling lyricism on it. So if rhyming ability is your rationale for hating Kreayshawn but you think Lil Wayne is right calling himself the best rapper alive, you have a lot of research to do.

Timmhotep Aku makes Kreayshawn sound like she is the harbinger of an era in which Hip-hop is being co-opted by hipsters, white people and white hipsters who are cashing in on things they say rappers doing on TV. Or something. I can safely say that's not the case. Hip-hop is being co-opted by a bunch of young, weird, creative kids, a lot of whom are from the incredibly multi-cultural megatropolis that is California. They like rap but they also like other music, and rapping well doesn't have to be a priority (although, in the case of Odd Future, it's really great to see some good rapping on the scene). It's ok.

I wonder how Timmhotep feels about Mac Miller, with his true school beats, dextrous lyrics and videos that cameo the Sons Of Bazerk record. If you want hip-hop as you know it, there you go.

We're veering dangerously into "THAT'S NOT HIP-HOP!" territory when we start disqualifying rappers for their lyrics. In 2000, the dividing line was between "real hip-hop" and "that commercial shit," with Rawkus Records on one side and, for some reason, Puffy and every single southern rapper on the other. These days it's "Action Bronson, Freddie Gibbs, Big Krit, Bun B and every underground rapper that paid Bun B to be on their album" up against "Lil B, Soulja Boy and rappers who wear tight pants and probably own a skateboard." And that's totally weird because "real hip-hop" somehow had room for Company Flow and Anticon. Dose One was at least as weird as Lil B. Probably a lot weirder.

(No shots, I'm really into every single rapper I've named by name in this article. I can't put into words how happy the video for Big KRIT's "Country Shit" remix makes me. Go watch that right now.)

I understand why people are uncomfortable with Kreayshawn and her crew's use of The N-word. I'm uncomfortable with it too! But you know what? I'm not black. I reserve the right to tell my friends to chill out when they use and I reserve the right to tell people I just met who use the term "nigger rich" in conversation with me like it's no big thing that they need to fall back. I don't think I have the right to judge someone I've never met, never spoken to and whose social life I know very little about for saying it.

I still think white people are taking a big risk by working it into their regular vocab. See: the kid on Long Island who beat a black dude down with a baseball bat while yelling "WHAT N****!!!", who got charged with a hate crime. I don't think that guy was getting his ass kicked for any kind of racial reason, but this is the world we leave in and that's the risk you take when you're a white kid using the N-word freely. But if your social life looks like a Benneton ad where everyone calls each other "my n****," I'm not the one to tell you that's not OK.

As for the deal she signed, $1 millon is chump change for a deal. They'll make that back with a few licensing placements. Just sayin.

Addendum:
Look, I'm not saying you have to like her. And I'm not making any excuses for her aesthetically: if you're not feelin it, you're not feelin it. But don't try to give your opinions extra weight by painting Kreayshawn's success as the downfall of humanity.

pure camp

2011-02-06T23:58:00.002-05:00

Bummer of a game, mostly because my team lost. Not great football. A lot of mistakes, penalties and crucial injuries...it's the kind of game in which the Steelers have ground out victories a few times this season, but not something you want to rely on. So it goes.

I'm not crushed. Objectively, this was a pretty dull superbowl for anyone that didn't have a rooting interest or an appreciation of the maturation of NFL teams. There's no chemistry (let alone rivalry) between the Steelers and the Packers, and post-Favre, there aren't many less objectionable teams than Green Bay. Collective ownership is cool and Aaron Rogers is a likely pothead who dissed Nickelback on Twitter. And the Steelers, my own interests aside, are generally good people. (Roethlisberger is a whole other issue.)

The Packers are a young, talented team in one of the easier divisions in football. The Steelers have been in three of the last seven superbowls and are perennial contenders. Any given Sunday is any given year.

And it with that sour grapes mentality that I bring up this article from The Good Men Project that my brother wrote about sports criticism. There's a lot of good points here, but central is that winning is only one aspect of sports, and to value total dominance over everything else is really fucking boring. You don't have to win to be interesting, not every interesting winning strategy wins forever. The article dismisses the backhanded term "lovable loser" for being patronizing: if your madcap antics take you to the top, you are a legend. Otherwise, you are quaint and you get a pat on the head for thinking outside the box.

That's kind of dumb because you don't have to win to be fun to watch. A lot of NFL teams had interesting -- if not successful -- seasons this year. The Browns found a decent QB and had a nice run derailing a few teams with surprise victories. The Rams finally gave Steven Jackson someone worthy of handing him the ball. The Colts' injury troubles made Peyton Manning's one man show more entertaining than usual. And I ride for America's swearingest, foot fetish havingest slab of smoked meat, Rex Ryan. And Green Bay is no exception, not only because everything they do right is a small "fuck you" to Brett Favre. They are a hard team to root against.

Congratulations to the Packers. I'm ready for my fantasy baseball league's 8th seasons to begin.

hot lava

2011-01-11T13:12:00.002-05:00

First off, let's breathe a huge sigh of relief that Rep. Gabrielle Giffords is going to survive her attack. Cynically, this is the next step in the political career of a woman who already looked like the platonic ideal of the kind of person you want to be running the country.

Anyways.

Stage one of my reaction to the tragic shooting of Rep. Giffords was "there is no way this dude wasn't a Tea Party nutjob," along with a lot of vitriol aimed at anyone who took the so-called rational point of view that maybe we should wait until we get all the facts.

Stage two was all the facts came in and Jared Lee Loughner was a lone wolf, probably schizophrenic and, while a nut job, not one swayed one way or the other by Sarah Palin and her legion of idiots.

Stage three has been a long, complicated debate about what exactly we should take away from this tragedy. And the two sides are "it's too easy to get guns" and "we still need to talk about the Tea Party's violent rhetoric." These two points of view aren't at all at odds (and I agree with both points), but the issue is whether we blame the lack of gun control or the increasingly brutal imagery used by the far right.

Despite the lack of any connection AT ALL between Loughner and the Tea Party, I think it's a problem that a large faction of the country knew exactly which direction to look when a liberal politician got shot in the head. Tea Party-related violence is nothing new and had actually affected Giffords before. But this isn't the first time we've had to be like "really, Sarah?" so I'm not expecting any changes from the Tea Party. On the bright side, this might put a wrench in their political future but that's beside the point.

I begrudgingly acknowledge the free speech angle that allows the Tea Party to invoke "second amendment solutions" to political problems, and realize that our Democracy is better off for not being so quick to link inflammatory speech to lawless acts (word to Brandenburg, thanks Caps for the reference). But when you talk reckless about how maybe we should bust back at politicians we don't agree with, no matter how tongue-in-cheek you are trying to be, crazy people hear you and might act accordingly. (As noted last week, Clinton made this point after Oklahoma City, much to the chagrin of Republicans.) And it's really easy for crazy people to get guns.

And here we come to the other side of the conversation: why was this dude allowed to arm himself when everyone knew he was nuts?

Gawker basically nailed it this morning with this post, about how gun control is dead in America. (Hat tip also to Tom Tomorrow, who makes the same point).

America made its peace with guns. We love em, we want em, they aren't going anywhere. I'm both the first and last dude to think too much about the content of a rapper who openly discusses his disdain for lyricism, but the fact that Flockavelli is at least 75% dude making gun sounds and was one of the best rap records of last year is WONDERFULLY ILLUSTRATIVE.

Guns are barely a wedge issue anymore: it's not politically risky for a Democrat to go to the shooting range. Compare and contrast with abortion, for lack of a better example: pro-life Dems take a huge risk planting their flag on that side of the issue, as do pro-choice Republicans. So is it bad that this doesn't bother me that much? America made its choice: we want guns. If the price of that freedom is that once a year there's a random shooting in the suburbs, so be it. It's a totally senseless waste of life, but apparently that's what we want. You're still much more likely to die in a car crash (or from tainted, factory farmed food!) than you are to be shot while buying toothpaste at Target. Also, your kid might shoot himself in the leg. Good job, America!

Here's why I'm so blase about this: I see a difference between endemic gun violence and random gun violence and I'm much more concerned about the slice of America that arms itself to commit (or defend against) crimes than suburban Dads who need a metal penis to feel content. And while we could cut down on gun violence significantly by tighting the screws to gun shows in Virginia, that's not the only way to do so. People commit crimes for a lot of reasons, related to economic factors, lack of opportunity, lack of education, lack of police etc etc. In a country where we're already horribly undercutting our schools and struggling with unemployment, I'd rather see the debate get back to the root causes of crime (and poverty) instead of focusing on why a criminal was able to acquire the tools of the trade. It's a classic case of treating the symptoms, not the disease itself.

This is just a really long-winded way for me to say I'm voting on local issues, particularly those pertaining to education and small-scale development long before I even consider a politician's record on guns. I realize I'm lucky to live in the safest city in America, but I also realize I'm as likely to get blindsided by a piece of rebar in Philly as I am to get shot. Crime is crime, not all crime involves guns and it's all bad. We don't need any more wedge issues in this country: the people want guns and if we can bribe some one-issue voters into electing good politicians by letting them have guns, I'm OK with that.

what up son whatever

2010-12-18T19:29:00.002-05:00

Six years ago us on the left were aghast at Bush selling his tax cuts for the wealthy on the much smaller benefit they would give to us little people.

Now Obama is saying basically same thing to sell the same tax cuts and them dudes on the right are hating.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE... #BENJAMINTHEMULE #SOMEANIMALSAREMOREEQUALTHANOTHERS

Lee to Philles. The Analysis Begins.

2010-12-14T00:39:00.006-05:00

OK for starters let me say that THIS is why some years ago I decided to never again root for the Pirates, and instead adopt the Phillies, the squad from my adopted hometown. The Pirates, unlike the Steelers or Penguins, never understood that loyalty is created by mutual respect. They didn't respect me, so I left. Fuck em.

Anyways, Cliff Lee, in a delightful about-face, signed with the Phils. This is great for two reasons. 1. My fiancee had just broken up with Chase Utley and made Cliff Lee her Phillies boyfriend... and then he got traded. 2. This creates the best rotation we've seen in the majors in at least a decade, but is it the best ever?

Here's a little statistical rundown of some of the generally accepted "best ever" rotations. In order to control for the old 4 man rotations vs. today's 5 man rotations, I'm averaging rotation stats where appropriate. I've used W-L, ERA and Wins over Replacement Pitcher (to measure how valuable they were to their team given ballpark, defensive quality, run support and statistical norms that particular season):

1927 New York Yankees
Waite Hoyt (22-7, 2.63, 5.6)
Urban Shocker (18-6, 2.84, 2.7)
Herb Pennock (19-8, 3.00, 3.0
Dutch Ruether (13-6, 3.38, 1.6)
George Pipgras (10-3, 4.11, 1.3)
Avg WRP = 2.84
Total WRP = 14.2

1954 Cleveland Indians
Early Wynn (23-11, 2.73, 5.2)
Mike Garcia (19-8, 2.64, 5.1)
Bob Lemon (23-7, 2.72, 4.2)
Art Houtteman (15-7, 3.35, 1.3)
Bob Feller (13-3, 3.09, 1.7)
Avg WRP = 3.5
Total WRP = 17.5

1993 Atlanta Braves
Greg Maddux (20-10, 2.36, 6.2)
Tom Glavine (22-6, 3.20, 3.8)
Steve Avery (18-6, 2.94, 4.0)
John Smoltz (15-11, 3.62, 2.8)
Avg WRP = 4.2
Total WRP = 16.8
(Avg = 3.4, Tot = 17 with Pete Smith: 4-8, 4.37, 0.2)

1971 Baltimore Orioles
Mike Cueller (20-9, 3.08, 2.7)
Pat Dobson (20-8, 2.90, 3.1)
Jim Palmer (20-9, 2.68, 4.1)
Dave McNally (21-5, 2.68, 3.1)
Avg WRP = 3.25
Total WRP = 13

2003 Oakland A's
Barry Zito (14-12, 3.30, 4.9)
Tim Hudson (16-7, 2.70, 6.7)
Ted Lilly (12-10, 4.34, 2.0)
Mark Mulder (15-9, 3.13, 5.1)
Avg WRP = 4.675
Total WRP = 18.7

1998 Atlanta Braves
Greg Maddux (18-9, 2.22, 6.1)
Tom Glavine (20-6, 2.47, 5.6)
Denny Neagle (16-11, 3.55, 2.0)
Kevin Millwood (17-8, 4.08, 0.6)
John Smoltz (17-3, 2.90, 3.2)
Avg WRP = 3.5
Total WRP = 17.5

Here were their numbers last year (since WRP accounts for team defense and run support, Oswalt and Lee have two different sets of numbers, which account for their trades, WRP is a cummulative statistic).

Roy Halladay (21-10, 2.44, 6.9)
Cliff Lee (12-9, 3.18, 2.7 + 1.6 = 4.3)
Cole Hamels (12-11, 3.06, 4.7)
Roy Oswalt (13-13, 2.76, 2.3 + 2.8 = 5.1)
Kyle Kendrick (11-10, 4.73, -0.3)
Avg WRP = 4.14
Total WRP = 20.7

So, a few things jump out here. First, Lee and Oswalt were significantly less effective relative to a replacement than Halladay and Hamels last year (although Oswalt's cummulative stats in Adjusted Wins and other metrics were really good relative to leage norms). Edit - I mistakenly forgot to account for the fact that WRP is cummulative, this has been fixed. Second, given the statistical evidence that Kyle Kendrick is essentially interchangeable with a AAA player (and so is Joe Blanton), it's not so bad they got some pitching despite the fact that they seemed so strong in that area. Kendrick brings the average staff WRP down more than half a point. It's worth noting how much of a pitcher's effectiveness in traditional stats is derived from the team's success. Kendrick was a .500 pitcher last year, but only because he played for a team that won almost 100 games.w

toast

2010-11-22T01:00:00.002-05:00

OK, James Harrison sacking Bruce Gradkowski was a "tackling while James Harrison" call. We will start there. It's a reasonable call as a penalty, but I don't think it gets called as instantaneously as it was if Roger Goodell hadn't designated dude as the poster boy for excessive violence in NFL tackling. It cost the Steelers a touchdown which, thankfully, was a drop in the bucket in a rout, but that's not the point.

This isn't like a sketchy holding call or a vague case of pass interference, where the penalized act directly caused the touchdown. Gradkowski heard footsteps; it was Harrison running full speed at him that made him rush his throw and put the ball in Ike Taylor's hands. Whether Harrison tackles dude or not is beside the point. He could have hit some wormhole and jumped to an alternate universe like Jerry O'Connell right before contact and it still would have been a pick-six. As Steelers fans, me and GW9K have talked about this before: it's the sheer terror that dudes like Harrison (and, before him, Ray Lewis and Larry Csonka, to name a couple) evoke that make them great linebackers. It's psychological.

Old territory: the NFL is your average abusive American corporation treating its workers exactly as badly as they can get away with. And that sets the bar pretty low, because most of the employees are getting payed millions of dollars to play a game they love, and many come from what we will call modest means. The players themselves don't love the new caution, and we watched Hines Ward bitch about being pulled from last week's game with a concussion he insisted he would have soldiered on with two years ago.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see this push for more safety. Football takes years off lives. The brain trauma can make you demented in your 60's. Junior Seau drives off a cliff and it's impossible to not wonder if this lapse in reasoning is related to his 15 years of running into shit for a living. But fining James Harrison once a week doesn't solve that problem. Former (occasional?) NFL-er Nate Jackson made all the crucial points in the NYT. We're a few traumatic injuries to marquee players away from the NFL even considering real change.

No, the Harrison witchhunt is a PR campaign to make Goodell look like his company cares about the safety of its players. And the target isn't football fans, who are basically going to keep watching no matter what happens. It's aimed at anyone who is turned off by the violence in the sport (and thus might be less likely to pay money for anything NFL related). We're talking queasy girlfriends and my brother.

And that's really fucked up! Because what that means is this is about is not the safety of the players as much as it's about the NFL seizing an a controversy to attract new fans by expressing grave concern that their violent sport is actually dangerous. It's the opposite of progress, some weird bizarro kayfabe where bad press and marketing affect the flow of the sport. It's the kind of conspiracy shit people point to when explaining how the NBA is rigged. It's the football equivalent of writing Kaitlin Olson's pregnancy into the plot of Always Sunny.

Things Casey Hampton Ate

2010-11-09T12:53:00.007-05:00

Hi, I'm Casey Hampton, mayor of Casey Hampton, Pennsylvania. Why don't you come inside? Have you ever seen a pachinko machine with hush puppies instead of pinballs? This is my bathtub, it has three taps - hot, cold and ranch.

-Traditional (2000s, Pittsburgh, PA)

Today I received word of an "news" item, entitled "Steelers Player Destroys Ribs Before Game." Obviously, with the Steelers injury woes, I was curious as to who was a last minute scratch before yesterdays game, on account of a rib injury. Well it wasn't exactly a Pro Football Insider kind of story(see the above screen shot). The article read as follows-

The Pittsburgh Steelers aren't just hungry for a win tonight -- they're also hungry for BBQ ... and TMZ has learned three stars, including RB Rashard Mendenhall just inhaled a massive pregame meal at a Cincinnati rib joint ... and then left a stellar tip.
Mendenhall (left) -- along with backup QB Byron Leftwich (right) and nose tackle Casey Hampton stuffed their guts this afternoon at Montgomery Inn -- a famous rib joint less than two miles from Paul Brown Stadium in Cin city.
We're told the three NFLers threw back a rack of the restaurant's famous barbecued choice pork loin back ribs ... one order of the pork chops and one pulled pork sandwich.
The guys also tackled an assortment of sides including onion straws, sweet potatoes and potato chips.
Even though the guys were in enemy territory -- we're told they left an 80% tip on the bill ... and were extremely nice to the staff.

Such a hack article, I can't decide where to begin with this one. For starters, I've identified an obvious typo in the second paragraph, where the author identifies the players in the header photograph. It should read

Mendenhall (left) -- along with backup QB Byron Leftwich (right) and nose tackle Casey Hampton (center) stuffed their guts this afternoon at Montgomery Inn

I'm not sure whether this was sloppy editing on TMZ's part or maybe just a case of an ambulance chasing food writer caught up doing a sports story for which he wasn't prepared. Since Casey Hampton (pictured below) tends to alter the Earth's field of gravity, I gather the writer wasn't on the astrophysics beat.

Second, I should note that one of the related links on the page is "NFL Star Drops Hundreds on Chicken Wings." I can't help but think that TMZ has some sort of "Marginally Notable Person Makes Extravagant Purchase of Racially Stereotypical Foodstuffs" beat. I'm poking around TMZ for a "Photos: Gabe Kapler and Models Nude in a Hot Tub Full of Matzoh Ball Soup, Bubbe Kapler Reported Irate." No dice. I will also accept "Bobby Jindal Orders $11K Worth of Curry" as newsworthy, but only during an election cycle. This is probably why my friend Brendan refuses to let white people see him eating watermelon.

Clearly TMZ has made a commitment to reporting on the gastronomical exploits of sports "stars," so why did they neglect to focus on 5-time Pro Bowler Casey Hampton, who is listed at a laughably light 325 lbs. Why didn't they mention that three men, listed at a combined weight of 800 lbs, only ate one rack of ribs, one order of pork chops and one pork sandwich plus sides? I can eat a rack of ribs, I'm not impressed. The news here is that their grandmothers wouldn't have let them leave the table eating so little. Here is a brief list of things I've imagined Casey Hampton eating:

-A bathtub full of waffle batter
-The secret burger at In & Out where you can get infinite patties
-Smaller members of the Steelers, including Mendenhall
-A comically large lasagna (using Garfield's "down the hatch" move)
-A terducken inside of an eagle inside of an ostrich
-A coil of red licorice on one of those industrial cable coils (while reclining)

I've also imagined him publicly carrying a powder horn with condiments in it.

I'll fess up - I've spent a lot of time in bars or watching Steelers games with my buddies, voicing a caricature of Casey Hampton that we invented, describing outrageous feats of eating. This is my life right here and the inadvertent humor of that graphic alarmed me to the careful advance of the tabloid media into it. I'm pretty offended that they got this so wrong. Obviously, Mendenhall has a bright career in front of him, but his resume is only a season and a half. Leftwich has spent more than half his career as a back up. Neither of these dudes has a right to overshadow Casey Hampton in an article about ribs.

It's just not right.

I'm glad to know they were nice to the staff though.

re: useless cds

2010-09-27T01:50:00.002-05:00

IN WHICH I RESPOND AND EXPOUND UPON WOODY'S USELESS CD POSTS AT 3 AM ON A SUNDAY.

Ahem.

I got rid of most of my CDs a few years back. When I moved to New York, having all my CDs seemed really important, and I bought a really nice Crate and Barrel CD rack on craigslist for them a few months after I got here. It used to be you could walk into somebody's room and get a nice idea of what they were about by looking at their CD collection, and I felt it really important for people to know I was the kind of dude who owned the screwed and chopped "Just Tryin To Live" and the Mono Puff CD, as well as some random Rap-A-Lot tapes. (It wasn't.)

That heavy-ass metal rack is long gone and now my CDs, beloved and otherwise, are either in a box in my dad's basement or in a pile under my bed gathering dust. That's not to say I haven't added to that pile. I still have trouble throwing away CDs (whatup copy #3 of the "Big Bills" CDS!), and it took a long time to kick the habit of buying albums I always thought I should own on CD when they are $5 or less (whatup copy of the first Dogg Pound CD that's been on my desk for at least a year!). And for a while, I was still actually buying CDs. Like, on purpose, for posterity. Like "I think this dude deserves my money." So I have actual copies of, like, Turf Talk's "The West Coast Vaccine," one of the finest (and last) hyphy records (I think?).

The one thing I miss about CDs is mix CDs. Especially the "here's the last 18 things I downloaded" mixes that are totally random. They're like soil core samples of whatever you were listening to at that exact moment. People with cars (unlike me) still do this, but it's a cool way I managed to document what I was into for the first five or so years of the decade, pre-ipod but post-mp3 boom.

Yeah that's how I feel about CDs.

the persistance of memory

2010-07-31T14:11:00.003-05:00

INCEPTION SPOILERS AHEAD.

Short review:

VIGNETTE 1:
If you were a nerd like me, you probably remember a bloody but not very good fighting game called BloodStorm which was around in the early 90's. (It was the sequel to the even-worse-but-more-ubiquitous Time Killers, and got a mention in The Simpsons episode "Marge Be Not Proud. Anyways.) The producers had packed the game with secret shit, especially for an arcade game: upwards of 5 secret characters, hidden codes to switch weapons and fighters, interactive backgrounds, etc. All of this was supposed to increase replay value, but because the game was kind of bad, it never really caught on and nobody bothered to find the secrets.

VIGNETTE 2:
Every year in high school, I had to do an independent study project. Junior year, my friends and I made a laughably bad suspense/thriller/woulda-been-a-horror-movie-with-more-time-and-a-budget called "Guilt." The script was bad, the acting was bad, the special fx were cool for 1998 (he looks in the mirror -- and SEES THE GIRL HE KILLED!). For what it's worth, I composed an entirely original score on a bootleg midi music program called MusicTime, and it remains one of my more proud moments of my life. It was really good!

Anyways, the premise was that this dude and his girlfriend get robbed at gunpoint while having a romantic walk through the park. He tries to play tough guy and in the struggle, his girl is shot and killed. The dude survives but then his guilt is manifested physically as her ghost and starts terrorizing him. It all ends in a ridiculous scene where he's teleported back to the moment they were robbed, and he kills the robber WHO IS, FOR SOME REASON, ACTUALLY HIS DEAD EX-GIRLFRIEND.

EXPLANATION:
Inception, like Bloodstorm, was packed with hints about what really happened, but wasn't compelling enough to make me care about what really happened, and hinged on a central plot point which mimicked the awful movie I made in high school.

ELABORATION:
The first half was cool. It did a great job of establishing a complex premise and featured some surprisingly good acting from Lil Ellen Page. The Morocco scenes effectively laid out the higher stakes of the Fischer job. And the job itself was fun. Good zero-gravity fight scenes, nice "what do we do now" moments with the elevator kick, Yusef being generally hilarious. And despite being filled with agents with high-powered weaponry but worse aim than Stormtroopers, the snow fortress was good popcorn cheez. And I found the movie so disappointing because there was so much to like, but also so much that bothered me.

First and foremost, why are people thinking so much about what happens in the movie? I consider myself an inquisitive, intellectual person but I didn't come out of Inception with the barrel of questions that everyone else did. Everything seemed wrapped up in a nice little bow at the end, especially if (as rumored) Mal's totem falls after the credits.

I saw the hints that Dom might still be dreaming. It occurred to me when he saw Mal in "real life" in the Moroccan basement, and when the alley seemed to shrink when he was running from Cobol. But there weren't enough of them for me to think anything other than dude was just losing his grip on reality from too much shared dreaming. (Also I read Susan Orlean's article on donkeys in Morocco, which explicitly mentions the tight spaces built into the old city in Fez, which isn't where they were, but still!)

Compare and contrast with Primer, a simple and beautiful movie about the messiness of time travel. It devolves into a series of wtf moments that literally had me and eight friends sitting in the theater for 20 minutes trying to figure out what happened after the lights came up. I couldn't spoil that movie for you because I still don't know what happened. But that was the point of the movie.

For Inception, the uncertainties about what's really going on take a back seat to an action-packed, simple "will they or won't they succeed? just kidding, of course they will" plot which dominates the viewer's attention. Dom's sanity or lack thereof is a recurring theme in the exposition, and but once the explosions start, it seems like its primary function is to throw wrenches in the team's plans. End of story. When we follow Dom home at the end of the movie, it feels tacked on.

Which brings me to my second point, that Nolan did a terrible job of establishing emotional stakes. I have a lot of trouble caring about dudes living or dying when the end result is pretty routine corporate sabotage. That's all we're working for! It's not the freedom of humanity (whatup Keanu!) or the fate of the planet or to catch a criminal mastermind. It's whether or not one big ass energy company can compete with a bigger ass energy company. Who the fuck cares? Saito still had enough paper to buy a damn airline on a whim. His problems are not ones I give a shit about. The only character we're really urged to care about is Dom, and whether Mal will ever stop haunting his dream life and if he will ever see his kids again. So we come full circle.

In writing this, I realize that the frivolity of the rest of the plot might be yet another hint that all of this is in his mind and he's still in a basement in Morocco. That this is a movie about Dom Cobb losing his grip on reality after having tampered too much with his understanding thereof. But that's a bridge too far for me, after spending an hour+ watching an elaborate James Bond flick in which Dom Cobb's problems fuck everything up for everyone.

SIDE NOTE:
Did anyone else sense an unsettling Ayn Randian-streak? Reverence of architects, great respect for power, self-made men, emphasis on building something yourself instead of inheriting it, trust in corporate parents (seriously, how the fuck did Saito end up being a good guy?) ... no sir, I don't like it. Just sayin.

SIDE NOTE 2:
If you buy into this "just a business traveler's dream" theory, you really need to reconsider why the hell you are going to movies in the first place.

structure, and fucking discipline

2010-07-01T11:15:00.006-05:00

So they canceled Party Down.

If you didn't watch Party Down, get thee to Netflix streaming and watch both seasons. Get your $10 a month worth. It's a small, funny, well-written show which stars a lot of people who are famous already (whatup Jane Lynch) or are going to be (Adam Scott and Lizzy Caplan, look forward to seeing more of yall around, especially you, Lizzy!).

The first season was entertaining, if formulaic, but the second season turned into a weird, quiet discussion of success, failure, the American dream, showbiz and self-delusion. In the later episodes of the second season, almost every disaster turned into a major opportunity, and by the season (now series) finale, it looked like even the most hard-headed (by which I mean rational and reasonable) Hollywood strivers had gotten the message: not everyone gets their break, but you have to play the game to win. Also, getting mad about others' success is a non-starter, and getting back up after failing is as important as succeeding. In that, Party Down is also a microcosmic commentary on America, as these are the qualities that make us both wildly prosperous and totally inane. Rap music wouldn't exist without it, but it also turned the genre into the gay Young Republicans conference which it is today.

(No shots, just sayin.)

The central lessons of Party Down are especially near and dear to me, as I struggle to pay my rent as a DJ and producer, and constantly see people close to me, or at least friendly acquaintances across the country make big moves. Any movement is progress and there is almost no such thing as failure. And it's much better to be Kyle than Henry or Casey, because Kyle's ego is so big he doesn't even process bad news.

But I digress.

What I really wanted to talk about is why Party Down failed from a business standpoint. First off, who the fuck has Starz? Is Starz part of your average premium package? A lot of my friends (myself included) don't even have cable. I watch everything on Hulu and Netflix. And I would go so far as to say "Netflix streaming" and Party Down were damn near synonymous. I had a lot of conversations which began with one and ended with the other, either "oh you have Netflix? you should watch this show" or "you haven't seen this show? it's on Netflix!" and thus the connection was made.

I have a minor obsession with the gigantic generation gap between pre-internet and post-internet culture, as it is applicable to literally every topic. My father and I had an hour long conversation about the arrogance of doctors a couple weeks ago, in which we concluded that my generation's "tell everyone you know about everything" mentality could reform modern medicine by fostering a generation of medical professionals who aren't afraid to ask for help and collaborate on tough cases. And this is a development that came around in the last five years.

Similarly, I have to wonder how much Starz is keeping tabs on Netflix viewership, or if they simply write it off because of an old-world mentality that TV ads rule the world. And if Party Down had been on a network with a little more relevance (or a rich corporate parent, like FX), if we would still have a show. Even if America will never learn to love 30 Rock and its litany of inside jokes with the liberal elite, NBC will keep it around for prestige. HBO knows risky, creative shows take time to grow, and that keeping a low-profit critical darling around for a few seasons while it gathers buzz can reap huge rewards on the back end with DVD sales (or, y'know, more prestige). But Starz, with little going for it other than being the reason I can watch Wall-E on Netflix, I suppose doesn't have the luxury of catering to the nerds, at least not until they find their Sopranos or their Sex In The City. A network cannot live on Lizzy Caplan's glorious rack alone! (Especially after they changed her look in the second season, what was up with that?)

So what we are left with is one of those shows, like Freaks and Geeks which will launch the careers of a handful future stars (on both sides of the camera?) but didn't really do shit for its patrons.

Starz: as a fair-weather Pittsburgh Pirates fan, I need to tell you this is not a great strategy. My team has spent the last two decades grooming players for bigger markets, the Jason Schmidts, the Aramis Ramirezs, the Brian Giless, the Jason Bays. At some point you need to go for the gold. I don't know nearly enough about the inside workings of TV to complete this analogy but I will say someone on your team was smart enough to greenlight this show, albeit apparently tentatively. Give that person a raise and tell them to go look for something a little dumber and a little more marketable.

EDIT: just found out the show was on at Friday night at 10 PM? are you fucking kidding me? a) what the hell else is Starz showing all week and b) what show has ever done any kind of numbers at Friday night at 10 PM? SMH.

Anyways. RIP to a great show. I leave you with Karma Rocket's accidental Aryan nation anthem "My Struggle":

slow creep

2010-04-12T13:43:00.001-05:00

Davis McAlary's character on Treme (who is incidentally based on a guy in New Orleans who didn't like me, then may or may not have begrudginly grown to respect me, but probably not) is really the most annoying archetype of a music snob you could write up. He's a white dude super deep in traditionally black music almost to the point of fetishization, as well as a long-striving musician who still sells "funk" CD's on commission at Tower Records. He screams "two decades ago" on so many levels. It's really easy to hate this dude on principal.

But, in his defense, New Orleans is one of, if not the only place in the universe where this dude really exists, is really a credible force for good and isn't insufferable. The New Orleans scene is a weird melting pot where everyone's broke, everyone grows up soaking in second line jazz and bounce music and goddamn "when the saints go marching in." The music scene is somewhat meritocratic to a point where race isn't much of an issue and an aging white funk keyboardist can get high with old black trumpet players and be the rule, not the exception. And it's the kind of place where a local rock radio station still might matter to everyone in the city.

And so I was thinking that New Orleans would be the only place where David Simon who is, let's be honest, an aging rich Jewish dude with a Bushwick hipster's music obsession for Dad music, could make a show abut a music scene that wouldn't be unbelievably corny.

Unfortunately, he couldn't, and it was.

Let's talk about the Davis/Mystikal scene, where Davis pisses off his "square" neighbors by bumping Neptunes-produced Mystikal tracks too loud for neighborhood consumption. Yesterday Noz tweeted something snide about the "over-under" on bounce music getting any kind of shine in the show. I was cautiously optimistic, as bounce wasn't a secret in Nola and even my private schooled ex-girlfriend waxed nostalgic about hearing "Monkey On A Stick" at her prom. So I thought "Bumpin Me Against The Wall" was a strange choice (to say nothing about Mystikal's rape charge: without passing judgement, I thought it was bold to use him), although not as strange a choice as the house party in season 1 of The Wire where they're playing Cage album cuts. But if you're going to use Mystikal, why not something earlier? "Big Truck Driver"? I don't know.

But that's just the rap nerd in me talking and ultimately I'm not really stressing that. What I am stressing is this scene which was apparently meant to highlight Davis's "connection" with "the scene" that "you people" just don't get. What theoretically makes New Orleans different and cool is that everyone in the city is in tune with the music in way that denizens of other cities are not. In New Orleans, what should have happened is Davis plays Mystikal real fucking loud and his neighbors are cool with it *despite* being middle-aged white dudes. What is actually depicted in the show just makes Davis look like an asshole and says nothing about the city.

And this is, in a nutshell, my problem with Treme. It's trying very very very hard to be "New Orleans," and the extent to which Steve Zahn's spazzy ass (and nutsack!) is being portrayed as a stoned Willy Wonka of the seedy underbelly of the New Orleans music scene is case in point. The Wire was about Baltimore, but it didn't try that too hard to be about Baltimore. The show said everything it needed to say about Baltimore simply by letting the various plots of the show unfold naturally. While the city itself was a character on the show and the show was about Baltimore as much as it was about the plight of (urban) America, it also doubled as a compelling crime drama.

Treme on the hand, is playing out like a commercial for post-Katrina New Orleans. It looks like a damn Zatarains ad.

"Authentic New Orleans" is the "hip-hop culture" of American tourism. At some point, it was a dangerous and fun place to go, with crazy things to learn, strange mystical traditions and a rich history which doubled as the story of modern America. Now rap music is poppy as pop can be and while there's still plenty of great, fun rap music being made in dangerous places, "real hip-hop" has been stylized and its history revised to a pile of safe cliches. In the same vain, while New Orleans is still a dangerous, fun place with crazy secrets and strange mystical traditions, the majority of those have been thoroughly assimilated into pop culture.

There really isn't anything "cool" about brass bands, crawfish etouffe, mardi gras, voodoo and Professor Longhair. They are national treasures, and a show about them can only really be as edgy as a show about the Lincoln Memorial. Except to an aging dude with pretty abysmal taste in music.

(Note: you don't even need to play any kind of race card to make this point, but it really doesn't help that New Orleans is sort of the cultural mecca of shucking and jiving. I wasn't mad at the Mardi Gras Indian scene at all, but it did scream "racialism." I hope there's more bounce music to come but if there isn't...you came in the Nolia on new years eve ha? You got stuck in that bitch and couldn't leave ha? It was hard for you to breathe ha?)

On the other hand, Kim Dickens' chef highlight's New Orleans cuisine with the subtlety that Zahn's does not bring to its music. Yes, she is a chef, but she doesn't waste her time rhapsodizing about the wonders of Cafe Du Monde. She busts her ass running a restaurant. And the same goes for Wendell Pearce, who is more concerned with paying bills than the rich history of his music.

So that being said, the show has potential. I wasn't that concerned with the pace, which seemed to be everyone's complaint. I like the rest of the characters fine. John Goodman is great as always and very believable as an (amateur?) historian. The hunt for sexy-ass Khandi Alexander's missing brother will be a compelling way to tell the story of one of the many specific tragedies of Katrina. I'm looking forward to more exposition about people who left town coming, or better yet, dealing with the struggles of their new location. Ironically, I would love to see some hustlers from the Nolia trying to establish themselves in Houston.

But unfortunately, Treme is pretty focused on New Orleans music and its music scene and, given that, I'm kind of expecting season 5 of The Wire quality, while I went in expecting season 3. Well shit.

elementary

2009-12-26T01:03:00.003-05:00

A few points about Sherlock Holmes:

-This was either a really dumb movie which got a substantial rewrite to make it less dumb (but more confusing), or a smart movie that got chopped to pieces in editing. I like to think it was the former, and I like to envision the producer screaming "why the hell does Sherlock Holmes know how to fight? this isn't the fucking Matrix," and then whipping a coffee mug at the writer's dome like the sheriff of Malibu in Lebowski.

(Incidentally, I spent half the movie wishing they'd cast John Turturro to play the villian.)

-Has there ever been a more bromantic hero/sidekick dynamic than Holmes/Wattson? This could have been another Guy Ritchie movie with nuff invincible male bad-asses, or at least gangsters with heart. Instead we get the old-married-couple bickering of close friends who have spent too much time together (what up Apt One).

Side note: is the rise of bromance a side-effect of the mainstreaming of gay culture? I didn't really read that many reviews of I Love You, Man, but I can't be the first person to think of that.

-That being said, Sherlock Holmes is basically like a long episode of House with more punching and less Olivia Wilde. A quick visit to the Wikipedia reveals that Gregory House was actually inspired by the original Sherlock Holmes, so I guess this isn't surprising. But was Doyle's Sherlock an immature genius with an enabling sidekick (Wattson/Wilson) as well?

And if so, DID SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE INVENT BROMANCE?

-when Drop the Lime starts expounding on the power of fear as a tool of government, I realized every action movie made in the last decade is, on some level, an analogy for either the Iraq War or the Bush presidency.

-all the mystical locales were dipped in Hebrew and the cyanide tubes in the last few scenes looked exactly like a Torah, plus there's an insignia over Blackwell's tomb that looks like a dollar sign. NOT A COINCIDENCE.

The Middle Ground

2009-09-24T18:47:00.001-05:00

That appears to be James' roommate.

Fly the chopper back to Brooklyn

2009-09-24T17:02:00.004-05:00

Counterpoint to Skinny's post, only I substitute hyperbole with arguments

Perhaps the most salient problem with "anarchists" is the way that the bad behavior of certain segments tends to distract from and become the message. I don't agree with the political philosophy of "anarchism" (although I know it's not monolithic) but I largely agree with their idea that the increasing rigidity and entrenchment of bureaucratic structures tends to concentrate the flow of ideas and the processes of democracy at the top.

I don't believe that it is necessary to work through existing or conventional means towards change in order to address problems, nor do I believe that these are the only outlets for dissent or opinion. I also have no problem with people dressing like buffoons, eating cheese from dumpsters or any of the rest of the hallmarks of the stereotypical anarcho-crusty lifestyle whose identity is superimposed externally over the entirety of any broad lefty protest movement.

To digress to the topic at hand - it is nearsighted to conflate street begging trustafarian Steel-Reserve-swigging crusties with a broad gathering of individuals with a wide range of protest issues, just because they are in the same place at the same time. Furthermore, knee jerk reaction of this kind by liberals is at cross-purposes with their own aims.

Let's not forget that the Seattle protests of 1999 were a pivotal moment in the mainstreaming of discussion about all issues related to globalization. The grievances voiced in 1999 were not the unique province of the protesters - many on the left were concerned about issues ranging from climate change to farm subsidies to Third World resource privatization. But the existence of a visible and vibrant protest element on the left has always served to create a middle ground for moderate left individuals like Skinny to actually gain bargaining power with the moderate right.

The logic here is that the moderate left agrees with the radical left on many issues, but has a strong difference of opinion about the means towards an end and the value of compromise which keeps them working at 501(c)3's and not riding freight trains from protest to punk show to protest. The visibility of a leftist protest element provides an opening for the moderate left to say to the rest of the political world, "Well obviously these issues are important if people are getting so irate about them, but you don't want to deal with those guys. Talk to us."

The viability of this model is longstanding. The American government's two party system (and separation of powers) preserves overall systematic stability at the expense of immediate change and thus mainstream politicians and political organizations are slow to action - wary of being wildcards in a slow moving system. But on issues ranging from civil rights to the environment - once characterized by protest movements subject to intense FBI scrutiny, public skepticism and political marginalization - they've come around in time.

The element breaking store windows and bathing in the bathroom at a hardcore show is beyond counterproductive, but let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Without these guys - YOU are the crazy ones.

P.S. FEDS- LEAVE ED UM ALONE.

P.P.S - G20 music post up on philadelphyinz.com

you don't know what we do

2009-09-24T15:52:00.002-05:00

To the dudes smashing bank windows as a protest against the G20 this week in Pittburgh: what exactly is your goal here? Yes, you don't like capitalism. And what then? Anarchy? Are you 13 years old?

I can't remember the context for this quote at all, but someone on NPR made the very good point that while Al-Qaeda and Bin Laden etc had a massive following they don't really have an endgame. Oh you want to establish a Caliphate? How exactly do you plan on doing that? I guess it would be something like a military dictatorship except with more random stonings for women who think out of turn. But law and order is a small fraction of actually running a government.

My least favorite type of people are those who complain without proposing a solution. Saying something is wrong is easy, fixing a problem is hard. I understand the problems with the G20 and why people want to protest it. I have no beef with Free Tibet protesters because that's a movement with a goal. The Chinese government are a bunch of assholes and need to fall the fuck back and let the country of Tibet live. That's pretty straightforward.

I don't think I'm really breaking new ground with this rant, but I think it's important to restate this in the era of Obama. I protesting Bush. I protested the war in Iraq. I cut my teeth campaigning for John Kerry, Jeff Smith and really just anyone who was on the left and progressive and forward thinking. Honestly, were it not for Bush being such an easy target, I may have never joined Billy Wimsatt's League of Pissed Off Voters, gone to Columbus, OH for the national conference in 2003 and really gotten a taste of how shit works.

I don't think I'm the only one for whom Bush was a catalyst for political action and, to make a very easy analogy, a legion of politically active and motivated leftists could have been the crop that sprung from the fertile soil left behind in the wake of a destructive volcanic eruption. So here we are, with the most progressive president in American history. This should be an insanely productive period! There's stimulus money out there! We're in the middle of a green revolution! Put down your damn black flag and go write a grant! Or start a bike exchange! Or a local garden!

But those things take effort and organization and responsibility and hard work, significantly less so than squatting under a bridge for a week, putting on a bandana and screaming until you get shot with a rubber bullet.

Don't get me wrong, the fear-mongering jackasses on the right telling tales out of school about piss balloons and "Children Of Men"-style attacks using burning cars can eat a big bag of dicks too. And cops are cops, some are real cool, some are genuinely enjoying tossing tear gas canisters at the commies. But if you are destroying private property and you can't tell me succinctly what your long-term agenda is (and I don't mean "the end of capitalism"), you are on some Benedict Arnold shit.

Hood Pass Intact

2009-08-28T00:29:00.005-05:00

There are only two categories of people it is 100% ok to hate in America anymore: pedophiles and nazis.

When I say "ok to hate," I mean nobody will stand up and defend the idea of pedophilia or the idea of nazi Germany. There are a lot of people worth hating in America -- republican senators, pyramid schemers, Tom Brady -- but you will have no problem finding assholes to defend anyone in those categories (including myself, sorry Olympia Snow and Susan Collins, etc). Most pedophiles, taken case by case, are sympathetic figures struggling tragically against mental illness. Even most white supremacists are sociable enough to give interviews in Vice and see their accumulation of guns and their belief in the superiority of the white man as more political than revolutionary. I highly recommend everyone check out the article on their music scene in Heeb a few months back, it was pretty good.

Anyways, I digress. Nobody likes Nazis. Even the German army didn't like Nazis and they tried to kill Hitler a few times. And there is no other group of people so unsympathetic that you could showcase so many of them dying, often graphically, in a movie without causing an uproar. Which is exactly what happens in Inglorious Basterds -- a lot of Nazis die graphically, and you chalk it up mostly to Tarantino's signature gore.

But as Jew, good lord did I love seeing Nazis die.

Here's a mega understatement: there have been a lot of movies telling the sad tale of Jews in World War II, either in camps or escaping from them, or hiding silently to avoid capture. It's heavy shit. Very few of the stories have happy endings and the ones that do still leave a lot of trauma in their wake. There haven't been very many movies which consist of a revisionist history where World War II ends with the US sending in a bunch of Jewish killers to terrorize the German infantry and hack the third reich to pieces.

So while as Americans, we still unconditionally hate Nazis, I don't think you can really appreciate Basterds as anything but an entertainingly ridiculous B+ of a Tarantino flick. But as a Jew, this was pure catharsis.

See, in the short hand of public school history books, Jews got caught out there by a bunch of Euros who were more or less indifferent to them, if not outwardly hostile (as they had been since, like, the beginning of time), and when Hitler came through, we were all sitting ducks. So GI Joe stepped in and blew up Auschwitz with blue lasers, victory gardens and Rosie the Riveter, and us Jews got freed. There's something emasculating about that.

There's no shame in being saved by the American military, but still, we needed saving. Several decades later, we get this guy. You know what's much better for my self-esteem? Seeing a lot of Nazis get their really nasty come-uppance. A movie in which we get to see a sweaty, anxious Fuhrer wondering what the hell he's going to do about "The Bear Jew," whose love of bashing in the faces of German soldiers with a goddamn baseball bat is crippling the once-great Nazi army.

(An aside: Donny's entrance was my favorite scene in the movie. Starts ominous, with the sound of him clanking the bat against the tunnel wall, seen but not heard while Aldo interrogates a soldier. But when he finally enters, it's entirely blase. In most movies, the guy with the rep for being especially violent in a crew of dudes running around taking fucking scalps would have some mystique, if only from juxtaposition. Nah, he's just a dude from Brooklyn (?) who likes baseball. The only reason he's even scary is because Eli Roth looks like Sylar from Heroes, who is both psychotic and terrifying.)

On the whole? Pretty good. Thoroughly entertaining, lots of crazy dialogue and a heroine who looks like a younger, sexier version of Juliet from Lost. Also, Ryan from The Office killing people (though more or less playing Ryan from The Office before his plot arc really took off). Brad Pitt's character was great, even with the terrible accent. But it could have lost a half hour or more and still been intact.

But if you are a Jewish kid who spent the better part of his youth constantly being reminded about The Holocaust, you really need to see this.

Live Coda from Twitter, re: the joys of killing Nazis
Balagan: play Wolfenstein.

Touche, Sam.

The All-Fat Team

2009-05-08T16:49:00.002-05:00

OK it's been a while but I have nowhere else to put this musing.

Today, I interviewed ESPN's Jayson Stark for a piece I'm working on. We were joking about how the Manny suspension story is kind of ruining his week and I said that if Pujols gets implicated, there will be almost no great, untainted natural hitters from this generation. I said that Griffey might be the last guy under the bar. Jayson said he's rooting for Ryan Howard to be the slugger everybody remembers.

Then it occured to me - baseball has come full circle. It went from fat guys hitting the ball forever to musclemen, now it's fat guys.

So here it is - the All-Time-All-Fat team. This is a list of the best baseball players who fall under the "fat" category. You don't get points just for being comically fat or having a fat "phase" a la "Fat Elvis" or "Fat Miggy Cabrera."

C: Ernie Lombardi

I've never looked at Pudge Rodriguez and thought "fat," in all honesty. Plus Lombardi scores big points for being known in baseball folklore as the slowest guy ever to play the game.

1B: Ryan Howard

Fat guy, hits the ball very far, very often. Off to a good enough career start to beat out Boog Powell, Cecil Fielder and Prince Fielder for this slot.

2B: Ronnie Belliard

Only fat guy I can think of at second.

SS: n/a

Fat guys don't play shortstop.

3B: Terry Pendleton

Third is kinda "thin" on fat guys too.

LF: Kevin Mitchell

Fat guy, hit the ball far.

CF: Hack Wilson

Kirby Puckett wasn't "fat" until he had health problems and you know it. Hack Wilson was 5' 6", 195 and allegedly had a neck the size of a telephone pole.

RF: Tony Gwynn

Not a slugger, but one of the greatest hitters of all time. I used to get cheap seats to Padres-Pirates games at Three Rivers Stadium in right field just so I could sit near Tony.

P: Babe Ruth

You save an outfield spot this way. In my world, the DH was never invented.

Manager: Tommy Lasorda

Duh.

Honorable mention: Boog Powell, Cecil Fielder, Prince Fielder, Kirby Puckett, Bartolo Colon, CC Sabathia, Fernando Valenzuela, Andres Galarraga, David Ortiz, LaMarr Hoyt

New PW article

2008-09-22T17:54:00.001-05:00

I wrote this a while ago but it's been on the shelf at the PW. Fortunately, some current events made it timely again, so it got published.

Philadelphia Weekly: List Mania

Take me out to the crowd

2008-09-02T16:04:00.002-05:00

Peep game: A new story I wrote about the life and death of the old North Philadelphia ballparks:

Philadelphia Weekly: Take Me Out To The Crowd

Look for it in print tomorrow.

There's Noone to Stop You

2008-09-01T02:03:00.002-05:00

The Thermals - Ballad Of Big Nothing (Elliot Smith cover)

I'm going to spend tomorrow afternoon and evening drinking bloody mary's and eating rice and beans, watching a monstrous and uncontrollable weather system stomp all over the city of New Orleans with some of my friends who grew up there.

People from New Orleans have a sense of inevitability about hurricanes. About ruin in general, actually. The city's legendary party culture is different from Vegas's corporate hedonism. In New Orleans, you party because you need to maximize the pleasure when times are good to balance out the absolutely assured ass-kicking which is coming to you as the sad son of a bitch you are. Juvenile gets gold teeth, the city's oil barons build the Superdome and ex-pats watch yet another meteorological disaster befall their fair city while getting retarded drunk.

I spent a summer in the city back when it was an amusing, aging drunk of a city and, though the summer of 2003 (?) was among the worst I've ever had (RIP Money Mike), I spent enough nights drinking away the humid tedium at Butler's (also, RIP) and saw enough shows at The Maple Leaf to tear up when Randy Newman opened one of the myriad fundraisers for Katrina victims with "Louisiana, 1927" out of both nostalgia and grief. I was working at LSU medical center and I'm quite sure any progress I made in my research of protein motifs was destroyed when most of the power to downtown New Orleans went out and all the windows in the towering building I had worked in blew out during Katrina.

Katrina almost wasn't "the big one." It actually fell short of the worst predictions and things weren't apocalyptic until the levees broke and dumped up to twenty feet of water on almost 80% of the city (according to some e-mails I wrote at the time). The tragedy of Katrina was that it was avoidable. Not so sure about Gustav, although at least evacuation plans are going smoother this time around. I will let GW9K give the geological knowledge on the dangers of the bol Gustav.

Three years ago, I was dealing with the end of a very intense three-year relationship with a girl from New Orleans. I had been in Brooklyn for about a month and her on-again-off-again situation with a new man played a big role in getting me to leave St. Louis in the first place. As it would happen, the stability that said man provided to her while her family tore itself apart during the aftermath of Katrina led to them settling down. They recently got engaged.

(I'm working through another break-up right now, less complicated but still painful, and here comes another hurricane. This, of course, means I control the weather.)

I don't really have a point, I'm just thinking about it a lot right now. I hope everyone who has people living in harm's way knows their people are out of harm's way and I'm hoping for the best. With a refreshing beveredge.

History of the DNC

2008-08-26T12:58:00.001-05:00

This is pretty fascinating

NYT: A History of the Democratic National Convention

Decline

2008-08-18T14:09:00.004-05:00

Cities declined when their "bubble" burst- when they no longer offered the perception of limitless growth and investment opportunity relative to other options (and when white people ran away from non-whites instead of reaping the institutional racism they'd sewed for 400 years).

But what happens now that John Q. Public is seeing the uselessness of his suburban utopia as he finally realizes he lives in a resource-limited world?

What is the Future of Suburbia?

Clash

2008-08-13T12:16:00.003-05:00

In case you wanted some insight into America's role in the situation in Georgia, peep Fred Kaplan's article in Slate this week. The details on what Europe understood about NATO and Russia, and what Bush et al did not in their quest to get a posse together to ride on Sadaam, are heartbreaking.

The article also includes a very good rebuttal to any kind of Hitler/Sudetenland argument you might hear from idiots who think it really would be a good idea to tussle with Russia ourselves: why isn't our government acting accordingly if we're really going to start WWIII?

If so—if this really is the start of a new war of civilizations—why aren't you devoting every waking hour to pressing for the revival of military conscription, for a war surtax to triple the military budget, and—here's a twist—for getting out of Iraq in order to send a few divisions right away to fight in the larger battle? If not, what exactly are you proposing?

Not that I'm at all in favor of that, but it would be some kind of small comfort to see American hawks putting their money where their mouth is, even if it meant higher taxes and cutting and running on Iraq.

Night Time in the Switching Yard

2008-08-05T13:26:00.006-05:00

Every time I go to New York as an adult, something stands out in a mind-blowing contrast to the New York I remember as a child. Say what you will, but shit's just not Gotham to me anymore.

My mental pictures of New York were formed from the mid-1980s through the mid-1990s, when New York was a juggernaut hurling forward into today's era of tastelessness. But back then, it was Style Wars, King of New York, CBGBs. Riding around on the train alone for the first time, scared to death but fascinated endlessly.

That New York is gone. It's over. It's still huge, it's still singular and it can never be duplicated, but it can never be what it once was because it's full of the bastards Giuliani had in mind when he sanitized the city to make it safe for the monied and boring. I sincerely doubt that the new, sanitized retro-narcissism of New York could generate any of the New York-derived subcultures that dominated the world's youth culture for three decades.

Case in point- this photo essay by Q. Sakamaki that documents Tompkins Square in Alphabet City- just a block or so from where we have our monthly at Arrow Bar- a monthly in a neighborhood swimming with admin staff straight out of college and onto Wall Street.

I'm not so naive as to advocate for stagnation or a patronizing return to some sort of liberal-fantasized noble poverty, but honestly, there's less of a place in New York for the people in those photographs than there was when they were taken. And with that ironic realization should come a concurrent belief that New York can no longer self-justify it's hegemony over sub and counterculture. It's just like everywhere else now, only moreso.

[NYTimes : Q. Sakamaki Slideshow]
[NYTimes : East Village Before the Gentry]

thinkin of a master plan

2008-07-31T02:02:00.002-05:00

Thanks to years of mismanagement that would rival the early years of most newly independent African republics, it's been a long time since the Pirates came up anywhere near the trade deadline, except maybe to make some kind of pathetic, defiant statement of existence, like a toddler doodling on the wall with a marker, which is to art what the Matt Morris deal -- the deal which drove me to renounce my Pirates fandom last season -- is to smart general management of a professional baseball team.

So let's give Neil Huntington his propers. Whether you agree with the spoils, dealing Marte and Nady was the right thing to do. And stocking up on pitchers is a viable strategy when trying to improve on your team's pitching. This trade is, at worst, defensible, and at best pretty shrewd. And now we're in the thick of a strange group session in which the Buccos will play a role in deciding who gets one of the best hitters in all of baseball. WHAT.

The updates are pouring in sporadically and nobody really knows what's going on, but the working model is Jason Bay goes to the Marlins for prospects and Jeremy Hermida, then Bay gets flipped to the Red Sox for Manny Ramirez and, like, Theo Epstein's 300C with factory rims. The Marlins have prospects to spare and Hermida can slug for a couple years. I'm OK with this, especially considering Littlefield would have probably flipped Bay, Marte and Nady for Jason Giambi and the urinal from Yankee Stadium.

But mere relevance isn't enough here. As Pat points out, negotiations with Tampa Bay are ongoing and the whole Red Sox deal could be a charade to inflate the Rays' counteroffers. This is basic negotiation but when was the last time anything remotely this conniving came out of the Pirates front office?

Just sayin.

Highlights

2008-07-25T12:11:00.004-05:00

For those of you in the land of the lost, here are some odds and ends:

-Philadelphyinz was featured in Spin Magazine and on Filter Magazine's Blog.

-I wrote a couple of pieces for the Philly Weekly. The first is about neighborhood development policy in Philadelphia, the second is one of my characteristic high-handed ramblings about sports and the tortured psyche of the Philly fan.

PW: Slowing Initiative

PW: Par For the Curse

More PW stuff on the way soon. Pretty soon I'm going to put together a blog/site that is strictly dedicated to my writing. One lesson I learned from "Just Sayin" was that web space is cheap and you might as well put your work in thematic silos so that you don't have people digging through essays on Sex Planet when they're just trying to find out when your next gig is.

That's about all I got off the top, but go and subscribe to the philadelphyinz.com RSS feed to get all the goodies.

This may be the greatest thing I ever write. Ever

2008-06-19T13:57:00.000-05:00

Uwishunu.com - The Underground Market

Diary of a pwning: 4-1

2008-05-20T00:20:00.003-05:00

Well THAT was definitve. What have I said all along? Pens in 5.

For good measure, here's Georges Laraque and Co. taunting Flyers fans after game 3-

src="http://www.youtube.com/v/l69Vi5IDc0g&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash

For extra good measure, the top 10 Mike Lange goal calls of all time-

Diary of a pwning: 3-0

2008-05-14T13:10:00.000-05:00

Diary of a pwning: 2-0

2008-05-12T14:18:00.001-05:00

Diary of a pwning: 1-0

2008-05-10T14:29:00.002-05:00

Real Live Women

2008-05-08T09:16:00.004-05:00

Caught Iron Man last night. Not bad. All the best parts of the movie were dialogue (ok and adorable robot jokes). The action seemed secondary. When dude is actually flying around in the Iron Man suit, the witty repartee he has with the AI is more entertaining than the explosions. It actually felt like a smart movie about relationships wrapped in a dumb action movie, like one of the many Sesame Street scenes that is ostensibly about counting but actually built around an obscure pop-culture reference.

The whole movie is more of a character study of a gifted man-child's interactions with assorted parental figures. Gwenyth Paltrow's mom'd out Pepper Potts is great, flipping what could have been a real patriarchal hot secretary role into a bad ass who lets Robert Downey Jr. know at every occasion how hopeless he is without her. Save one creepy Oedipal scene where they dance, entirely downplaying some pretty creepy sexual tension was a good look. I can't even imagine how much restraint it takes to make a summer blockbuster without a damsel in distress. I guess at the end Paltrow sort of fits that category but the assembly line movie would have had at least one shot of gratuitous cleavage and some sort of "you saved me" b/w "i love you" situation. Iron Man barely comes anywhere close to that.

You could make the argument that she's playing the Carmela Soprano role, willing to look the other way for her man's countless indiscretions in exchange for security and some nice things. But she doesn't seem all that bitter about the bitch-disposal part of her job. More likely is she's buying low and putting an emotional investment into a genius who could be a stand-up guy once he grows up a little.

And the movie really is about dude growing up a little. Even the prying reporter who he digs out in the first five minutes of the movie is a recurring character who gets vindicated when all is said and done.

(She was kind of a horse face though.)

Shot across the bow

2008-05-07T11:28:00.004-05:00

Here it is, the op-ed so heinously partisan that it was turned away from half of Philadelphia's alternative publications, including my former home, Philebrity.com. Joey said "we refuse to publish this pro-Pittsburgh drivel. We suggest you try Pittsburghebrity."

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF, PHILADELPHIA?

Philadelphia's relationship with Pittsburgh has always been somewhat uneasy- perhaps the western partner is too small or foreign to warrant acknowledgment from the former national capital and current underdog champion of I-95. But when the first puck drops this weekend, both cities will put their pride on the line with 30-odd skating Canucks and Slavs as proxy. Much like Philadelphians relish (and New Yorkers loathe) the degree to which sports obscure the economic and cultural asymmetry between their cities, the Turnpike war, renewed after several years of dilapidation, will again test civic pride in the Commonwealth using speed, violence and savvy instead of verbal barbs... Just kidding, there will be shit-talk as well.

The dear "D-Mac" of Philadelphia Will Do has devoted his week to bashing Pittsburgh (the Michael Fichman birthplace and homestead). I couldn't help but return from the shadows to respond in kind- largely because I'm astonished that my esteemed colleague would even cop to having left his mother's basement to enjoy the fruits of the greener, better educated, more-times-crowned city over the Alleghenies... only to trash them.

Frankly, my colleague's bad fucking attitude is no surprise. Philadelphia's outward sporting personality is deceptively honest. When it comes to the Flyers, a vicious slash is almost as good as a goal- an outward expression of hardbitten toughness, but more privately a tribute to Philly's "any means necessary" approach to asserting its existence, either as the persistent underdog or as the stern and defensive favorite. Either way, there are some existential and emotional crises just under the surface here- Philadelphia, can't you just love yourself for who you are, or do you have to get drunk and make empty boasts? Are you really that mad about New York that you have to momentarily remember, and then insult your successful and placid neighbors on I-76 just to keep from crying?

I eagerly await a response, but make it quick, because the Prince of Wales trophy will be back at home in Pittsburgh before you know it.

In a related story, my former colleague at Philebrity, Kelly White, told me that she bet her vegetarianism on a Flyers' victory. I told her she was terribly misguided, but that if the Flyers won, I would eat my hat.

Similarly, the dear Mr. Sweeney has taken to describing a Penguins jersey as a "Michael Fichman." A fitting tribute to my obtuse behavior I suppose.

Words from the prophet

2008-05-04T12:49:00.003-05:00

Really awesome interview with Andy Van Slyke on Yahoo sports.

Q: Where does "eyewash" come from?

AVS: I don't know the term "eyewash."

Q: Didn't you just say it?

AVS: I did. I don't know where the term came from. I guess it's just a nice way, a politically correct way, of saying that a guy is being disingenuous.
______________

Q: You shouldn't do that with cops, Andy.

AVS: I thought it was a funny line.

This leaves no wonder as to why Van Slyke was pretty much everybody's favorite player back in the day.

Steelers cut a starter!

2008-04-09T22:19:00.004-05:00

The Steelers release Kenneth Hahey after ~~beating off Sean Mahan in the shower~~ being charged with drunk driving. Hahey started all 16 games last season at Mascot. He contributed mostly to poor special teams play and also is responsible for Willie Parker's broken leg and $7.50 cups of shitty beer.

Unfortunately, they're not eliminating the position.

Scene of the crime.

2008-04-09T11:08:00.004-05:00

News today that the Pirates re-signed Craig Wilson to a minor league contract. Wilson, who was with the Pirates' organization for about a decade, was the zeitgeist for the Buccos' off-Broadway bullshit these last three presidential administrations (soon I'm going to measure their failure using geological jargon for appropriate scope). Homeboy obviously had many of the tools necessary to be a consistent low-average long-ball threat (read: Major League fat dude), but he was always toiling behind some b-rate, stopgap sensei while the Pirates waited for him to "mature."

The way that story always ends with the Pirates is that they keep their prospects behind dollar-bin free agents and middling also-rans until said prospects turn 30. Rinse. Repeat. In this case, Wilson was behind Kevin Young, split time with Randall Simon, and sat idle while Reggie Sanders used the Pirates to keep his name in GMs mouths. Only once (2004) did Wilson go to the plate more than 375 times. That year he hit 29 homers (and drove in shit because the team OBP was 12th of 16 in the NL). The next year, he was traded- possibly because his value was at its likely ceiling, but most likely because Wilson was 28 years old and the Pirates were aware that his prime was almost over. They had wasted it.

Anyways, welcome back Craig Wilson, you're awesome and I'm sorry the Pirates fucked you over, but now, if you're lucky, you get to be Kevin Young for a few years and maybe you can help keep Steve Pearce, our best prospect, in the minors this year so that he can turn 27 without ever playing in the majors. Either way, it's cool that you got to play for the Yankees.

Credentialled

2008-04-05T11:23:00.002-05:00

Watch for an important revelation at about 1:13.

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2008-04-04T12:02:00.002-05:00

If you came here looking for your fix, you can get it over at Philadelphyinz.com.

NY, DC and Philly this weekend!

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2008-03-28T08:54:00.004-05:00

Yeah, so Skinny and I are kicking off our US tour this weekend in Brooklyn tonight and Providence tomorrow, but the big news is that you can read about it (and more) at the newly launched

PHILADELPHYINZ.COM

Make sure you bookmark it, and make sure you go and root around so you can see all the stuff we've got over there. So holler at the new site, check our tour dates, check our free tracks, and make sure you add it to your must-read list of blogs.

From now on, only serious business about Steelerdom and Rappity Rap and such over here, and all the "what it do" and "here's a track" type business over there. Basically, we decided that since we're both moving towards DJing and producing as a big percentage of our income and our time, we should probably consolidate all that stuff in a more professional-looking package (i.e. not a fucking myspace).

So yeah, there's a blog over there, but it's about Philadelphyinz business, not JustSayin business. Keep coming here for all your Pirates-Shortstop-Jack-Wilson-Zombie-Hunter news and all your far flung rap analogies.

But yeah, like I said above, we're going on a US tour, so peep game and come see us!

Cedrick Wilson, we hardly knew ye...

2008-03-22T20:08:00.004-05:00

...cuz you never got open.

Cedrick Wilson not starting or catching a touchdown pass.

So Dan Rooney posted a bulletin here saying that they cut Wilson because he beat his lady. But that it was different with James Harrison, so they're not cutting him. And no mention was made of Santonio Holmes missing training camp last season for beating his lady and going to court, but that was so long ago and Steeler fans have drunk a lot of beer and can't recall that happening.

Here's the real reason:

Cedrick Wilson - G: 16, GS: 1, REC: 18, YDS: 207, TDS: 1
Cap Value: $2.6 million, Salary: $1.9 million

Santonio Holmes - G: 13, GS: 13, REC: 52, YDS: 942, TDS: 8
Cap Value: $1.7 million, Salary: $600,000

James Harrison - G: 16, GS: 16, SCK: 8.5, FF: 7, INT: 1, Pro Bowl
Cap Value: $1.5 million, Salary: $1.2 million

Why does the public face of a near blood-sport have to give us this pseudo-moralist bullshit? They wanted to cut Wilson so bad it felt like they had to piss on a roadtrip.

Damian Hurst Is A Bitch

2008-03-22T14:06:00.002-05:00

As my absolutely pitiful fantasy draft indicates (I slept through half of it -- what's good, Jose Valverde???) I don't have much in the way of insight into the upcoming baseball season right now.

Luckily there's this video of Michael Cuddyer gettin his David Blaine on to distract you.

That's cool, but he's no Illusionator.

Apostles

2008-03-21T09:56:00.005-05:00

That graphic above is the basic design of the new Philadelphyinz tee. And yes, that's Biggie, 2Pac and Myron Cope.

The shirt itself says "RIP" in bigass letters underneath and has a small Philadelphyinz wordmark on the back.

The order to the shirt dude is going in real soon, and we're making an unscientific attempt to assess demand. If you want one (they're $12, $15 flat if shipping is required), in an ASAP kinda way, email your name, size, address etc., to philadelphyinz (at) gmail (dot) com. We'll tell you where to send the check and adjust our order size accordingly.

If you're in Pittsburgh, we can get it to you personally, if you come to our shit. Our Pittsburgh tour date is 4.26, but more on that later...

-In a related story, the NFL is thinking of banning the display of flowing, beautiful hair out of the back of your helmet. The "justification" is that it obscures the uniform number and gets grabbed onto and blah blah blah. Truthfully, this is just a powermove to do Polamalu and Rashean Mathis et al like Samson. Also, the league competition committee is racist v. Samoans and Italian shoes dredheads.

We don't wanna have to add Troy's wig to that shirt. SAVE TROY.

O HAI

2008-03-19T20:23:00.002-05:00

What with the upcoming Philadelphyinz tour, mad music to be made and all sorts of other jenky business, it's been like a ghost town around here. Until we get our shit together over here, enjoy this:

Discobelle.net - Philadelphyinz Mega Post

Live from Korea

2008-03-17T10:50:00.000-05:00

Fog Machines and Laser Rays - Quannum Edition

2008-03-14T13:17:00.006-05:00

Another weekend of gettin buckwild in several states. We have a lull of a few weeks before the Philadelphyinz spring tour kicks off. Much, much more information on that later, but for now we've got some dope events and more free music for you.

First things first- we did a promotional mix some time ago for Quannum Projects, which many of you know as the longtime home of acts like Blackalicious and DJ Shadow. The mix was party of a series for their SXSW showcase this year, which ended up not happening, sadly. However, they just released the mix yesterday:

Philadelphyinz x Quannum Projects - SXSW Promo Mix

DOWNLOAD HERE (Yousendit)

Tracklist:

Ap/Sci - Windows Rattle Off (Remix)
Curumin - Caixa Preta
Pigeon John - Money Back Guarantee (Yinzapella)
Joyo Velarde - Take You Home
Blacklicious - You Didn't Know That Though (Philadelphyinz club edit)
Honeycut - Shadows (Trackademics Remix)
General Elektriks - Opaque Gender
Lifesavas - Shine Language (Sipped Out Yinzer Drum Edit)
Tommy Guerrero - No Guns More Glory

Give it a listen to see how we infusted the Quannum catalogue with the 215-412-718 flavors.

Friday - Philadelphia

Apt One @ Let Me Ride w/ Art Cuebik, Joey Breakdown, Kevin Kong and the bol Illy Emcee.

Fluid Nightclub, 4th and South Streets, Philadelphia

Entry free before 11PM, $5 afterwards. $2 domestics, $3 well drinks and Jager from 10-12.

Saturday - Brooklyn, NY

In support of the aforementioned Philadelphyinz x Quannum mix, we are playing a Quannum NYC Showcase this weekend with Curumin (Brasil), Chico Mann (Antibalas, NY) and Los Pirata (Brasil, first US show).

@ Union Pool in Brooklyn, 484 Union Ave @ Meeker

Saturday, March 15th.

we're spinning between sets and from 12-4

$10 before midnight, free afterwards.

If you want to read more about the Philadelphyinz x Quannum mix, go to Dollar Bin Jams for our take on the alchemy required to put the Philadelphyinz signature on the Quannum catalogue.

More information about the show and the mix is available from Quannum.com.

Punchline

2008-03-11T08:43:00.000-05:00

So Billy Crystal was signed to a minor league contract with the Yankees for one game... a spring training game against the Pirates. It's official, the rest of the league regards the Pirates with utter contempt.

Only one thing to do here- bean Billy Crystal.

Seriously. If he comes up to bat, put it in his ear.

This is the big leagues and the Pirates, despite some evidence to the contrary, are still a big league franchise. This is insulting. So Billy Crystal really likes the Yankees, fantastic. It's a ballgame to some of us, not a place for publicity stunts. They don't send fanboy celebrities to my office to mock me by moonlighting as my supervisor, why should the ballfield be any different?

The great thing about the game is that vigilante justice is possible.

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2008-03-07T15:51:00.003-05:00

Before we get to the ol' Fog Machine bit, here's a new track I threw together last night that I'm quite proud of. Homoelectro, if you will.

Sebastien Tellier - L'amour et la Violence (DJ Apt One Remix) (Mediafire link)

It's another Philadelphyinz double this weekend.

Friday - Brooklyn

Philadelphyinz @ the Lucky Cat in Brooklyn. 245 Grand Street, Williamsburg. Free. We're playing after an afrobeat band, so get there before 11 and take that all in. We've also got a secret special guest that we're real excited about.

Saturday - Philly

Philadelphyinz @ Medusa Lounge. THE REAL MOTHERFUCKIN DEAL. You know how it is. No cover, and simply the bestest.

he was the baddest buck buck breaker in the world!

2008-03-01T15:16:00.002-05:00

Skinny Friedman - Buck Buck Champions '08

Shouts to the dude DJ JJC, who had the brilliant idea to invent a new type of club music called Buck Buck. When JJC originally told me about the idea, he pitched it as an alternative to Baltimore club, tired of so many fucking songs that flipped "Sing Sing" or "Think." It was to have a new bass drum pattern and sample heavily from Bill Cosby's "Fat Albert (Buck Buck)". I couldn't really get with the anti-Baltimore sentiment, but I loved the idea of flipping the Cosby ish. So I went with it.

I sent the track to JJC. He hit me back at 4 in the morning to tell me that this track wasn't actually Buck Buck because the bass drum pattern is too similar to Baltimore shit and expressed concerns about "vitiating [his] vision." The heated intellectual debate and the battle for the soul of Buck Buck is on-going. This is a historic moment, the split between underground Buck Buck and commercial, shiny suit Buck Buck. Let's hope we can keep it on wax!

Regardless, the shit bangs hard and you should check it out.

Cope on Sports in the Sky

2008-02-27T14:28:00.004-05:00

This is one in a series of posts in reaction to the passing of Totemic Deity, Journalist and Football Broadcaster Myron Cope. All of our posts on the topic, ordered chronologically, can be found here: GentleWhoadie, Paul, Burnso, Dos and Skinny.

Our guest writer is Dos Noun:

So it finally happened. A man who was more idea than human to us proved his ultimate mortality in passing. Myron Sidney Kopelman passed today at the age of seventy nine. It is rare today in the era of media proliferation and the internet to have a man whose impact resonated so locally and yet with such profundity. Cope was our guy, the insane Jewish great uncle who screamed mangled proclamations on any and everything football related. His Yiddish ululation captivated Steeler fans for over thirty years. He coined terms that are part of our lexicon, already a language not spoken in the rest of America. YOI!!! GARGANZOLA!!!! "THE BUS"!! "SLASH!!" He invented the "Terrible Towel", a fact that most of us know. What many didn't was that he licensed all the proceeds to go to his son Daniel's autism school and travelled around Western PA talking about his experiences as the parent of a child with the condition.

For all of his "what the fuck?" non sequitors and blatant home team boosting, Cope was also a respected sports journalist and undisputed PHD in gridiron science. HIs abrasive voice, catskills demeanor, and happy lunacy, from appearing in a labcoat on television as Dr. Cope for postgame dissections only to end the show shrieking about some third string linebacker's performance in purple adjectives to endorsing his own line Kielbasa subs, only served to make him more part of a city that held onto its past with no shame or recrimination. Myron was forever a participant in Pittsburgh. The soul of our city is the Steelers and the soul of the Steelers resided in his five foot four frame. This was the man who'd drown out an opposing announcer by simply bleating "MYAHHHHHHHH!!!!", or liken Jerome Bettis to a "naughty lady" for his goal line gyrations.

Today we have a million polished and coiffed sports gurus on syndicated networks, each with their own sound effects and catch phrases. All of those "BOOYAHS!" and snarky meta references hail from a man who unashamedly admitted to pissing out of the Cleveland Browns press box during an away game. Modern commentators and sports anchors attempt to mimmic Cope's effervescence, his craziness, even his corny camp. But there's only one of him. One of the last true Pittsburghers. And now there isn't even that.

Rest in Peace
Myron Sidney Kopelman

Daniel Muessig
2/27/08

R.I.P. to our Hometown Hero of the Airwaves

2008-02-27T10:28:00.007-05:00

This is one in a series of posts in reaction to the passing of Totemic Deity, Journalist and Football Broadcaster Myron Cope. All of our posts on the topic, ordered chronologically, can be found here: GentleWhoadie, Paul, Burnso, Dos and Skinny.

It's cold, windy and snowing a little in Pittsburgh today. Perfect football weather. Perfect for bloodthirsty toothless linebackers and big hoagie eatin' running backs. Perfect for cracking a beer and yelling "Stomp on his fucking neck!!!" at the television. And on a day like this, in a decisive late November game against a division rival perhaps, Myron would be likewise yelling over the radio because the volume was turned down on every tv in town just to hear him.

He was the leader of the Steelers Diaspora, a man who invented so much Steelers culture and a man who compounded Pittsburgh's odd ethnic gumbo with with its odd love of football. What would this town be without the Terrible Towel, a back called "The Bus" or the Kielbasa Sub? And to someone living in this town, it's totally understandable that Myron once got drunk and was locked out of the radio booth in Cleveland during a game so with no toilet access, he pissed all over the door and it dripped all over the hapless Browns fans.

And while the myriad of tiresome sportscastors snooze their way through games namedropping the QB for the Colts and saying "...that kid has an arm/legs/hand" about anyone who converts for a first, thank fucking G-d we had a guy who honestly and rabidly loved the team. A guy who would bark at the playcalling with a progressive quality assurance scale of "Yoi!" and "Double Yoi!" and "Triple Yoi!", who would commend a runningback for juking like a chorus-line dancer, or decry any sort of on-field debacle.

My buddy John finally got it together with this one girl from Nashville and they stopped through Pittsburgh for a day, her first visit. He showed her some of the landmarks: skyline, strip district, incline, finally ending up at my apartment. When John asked me "What more of Pittsburgh should I show Courtney?" I replied by putting into my vcr "Pittsburgh: City of Champions", a Thrift Drug production I found for a dollar at Goodwill or something. I fast-forwarded the tape to Myron Cope raconteuring.

"This man right here," I said "is the voice of this town."

Submitted for download in memoriam: Schoolbell

RIP Myron.

2008-02-27T10:15:00.006-05:00

This is one in a series of posts in reaction to the passing of Totemic Deity, Journalist and Football Broadcaster Myron Cope. All of our posts on the topic, ordered chronologically, can be found here: GentleWhoadie, Paul, Burnso, Dos and Skinny.

As someone who has only lived in Pittsburgh for about five years, my experience of Mr. Cope began late in his career; however, I spent quite a lot of time listening to his radio broadcasts on Sunday afternoons at my shit jobs in warehouses and bars, and his influence in this city is undeniable.

I once compared Myron's voice to what Pittsburgh would be like if it could talk: shrill yinzer accent, random Jewish expressions, and a penchant for sausages. The man was a human landmark in this town, whether you were a Steeler fan or not, and will be missed terribly. I wish I could write a more eloquent obituary, but I'll leave that up to Skinny, Whoadie and Burnso. I'm sure they've got a lot more to say than a humble Pittsburgh import like me.

In any case, rest in peace, Myron. I hear the hot dogs in heaven are amazing.

MYRON COPE DEAD. LONG LIVE MYRON COPE.

2008-02-27T09:52:00.010-05:00

This is the first in a series of posts in reaction to the passing of Totemic Deity, Journalist and Football Broadcaster Myron Cope. All of our obituaries and essays on the topic, ordered chronologically, and posted throughout the day, can be found here: GentleWhoadie, Paul, Burnso, Dos and Skinny.

Myron Cope (nee Myron Sidney Kopelman), 1929-2008.

The inventor of the Terrible Towel and the singluar and awesome voice of the Steelers. The only drunk, Jewish, Allderdice Graduate, football announcer dingbat in the Radio Hall of Fame. Generations of Pittsburghers grew up watching the Stillers with the sound down on the television and the radio blasting so they could listen to Myron.

If you don't know, there's almost no way I can explain it to you.

Many times in my life, as a Pittsburgh ex-pat, I've had to explain exactly what the Steelers mean to me. I have a collection of cliches I use- "It's like the Eagles only love-love instead of love-hate," or "take the way they feel about football here during the playoffs, and turn it up to 11, during July." But I've never really been able to explain Myron Cope to people. Back when Cope was still doing broadcasts and they were still available over the internet for free (AKA "in my day"), I could turn the Steelers game on and let the listener absorb the Steelerdom through osmosis.

Now, there are sound bytes and there are anecdotes, but there's no real way to tell somebody why it's a transcendant experience to see a football game through the eyes of a frenetic, drunken sportswriter who has left his eloquent vocabulary at the door and replaced it with the kind of Yinzer-Yiddish creole that would make my grandmother liken his upbringing to that of a butcher's child. I don't know why, but that's just how we do things. If you have to ask, you'll never know.

It occurs to me that as I write this, Myron is shit-faced drunk off Rolling Rock on a sunny Sunday afternoon in October, eating kolbasi with Mike Webster, Art Rooney and the Prophet Abraham, watching the Steelers, God's team, blow out the Browns.

Fly you drunk old yinzer, fly.

------------------------------

Some tidbits:

Courtesy of Myroncopesounds.com, here's possibly my favorite Cope moment, although there were a zillion like this every week:

The Schoolbell Rang (direct link)

Myroncopesounds.com has the full audio range of Myron.

Burnso and my old DJ outfit- The Myron Cope Experience.

Sentimental reasonz

2008-02-25T11:00:00.002-05:00

The above photo comes from a story in the Post-Gazette about some totally Philly-style violence in the West End. Apparently a shooting of eight (eight!) people at once? Damn. Anyway, the story's not the point, the photo is.

Oh, and speaking of Philly-style violence, murder is apparently down like 15% or something this calendar year. Awesome. Now if we could only stop international news publications like the Economist from ceasing to farm out their stories on Philadelphia to the staffers that write about third world conflicts. "Philadelphia - more laid back than Serbia or Darfur!"

Oh, but apparently you can get shot in the head point blank for hitting somebody with a snowball.

Wallawallabingbang

2008-02-24T12:53:00.006-05:00

Today's post narrated with images found through a search for the term "wallawallabingbang"

Friday was a crazy internet day for me, inasmuch as the internet actually has days. We'd been sitting on a new mixtape for some time now and finally kinda leaked it... and then said "we should wait, actually"... but it was far too late by that point. We did it on commission for our buddy's blog but said blogger has some major technical issues currently and couldn't actually listen to the thing or post it. (Isn't a blogger without a computer just "a dude?") With no end to the digital drought in clear sight, we decided to go the "aw fuckit" route.

Long story short, I forgot to post the "Fog Machines and Laser Rays" weekend preview, which has essentially become shorthand for "hey, I'm DJing." Played at Bleached Black last night, and there was free pizza and it was generally an awesome time. I played Miami Bass Machine and a number of songs from the new mix, including Shaker Shake, Mickey Dreidels in Rome and Yo Yo Get Funky by Fast Eddie. My scheme to play a whole shitload of Miami bass was foiled when I correctly remembered that everybody loves the idea of Miami bass, but nobody except really freaky transsexuals have ever (in my experience) had Miami bass hold them enraptured on the dance floor for more than one song. So my apologies to Drac and Dom, who I had told would be privy to "Shake Them Titties," not as a song, but as a general social statement.

A good time was had by all- in no small part because there was a ton of free pizza, and as Jeffery astutely reasoned, everybody loves pizza. More accurately, nobody hates pizza... except the girl who I saw pass out in the arms of her boyfriend, who himself was so drunk that he fell down with her and they got broke off the hood of a parked car and then he started slapping her in the face like that's some way to actually wake up somebody who has just passed out. As a result, their entire crew was ejected from the premises, in an appropriately draconian disciplinary maneuver on the part of the management. Kudos.

OK, I'll chill because this is turning into a livejournal entry, and that shit's for Skinny, not for a reputedly bristling, emotionless ass like myself. This post is also rapidly spiraling towards "worst post ever" status, so I'll just slow my roll and get right to it.

Here's the tracklisting to the mix- you can go and grab it at the link at the bottom of the post.

UPSTAIRS by Apt One

Jimmy Ross- First True Love Affair
Giggles- He Said She Said (Bonus Beats)
Bobby LaBeat- Partay People
Les Rhythmes Digitales- Dreamin
Interlude - West Philly is Fucked Up
Time- Shaker Shake
Armand Van Helden- I Want Your Soul
Wiz Khalifa- Youngin On His Grind (Relative Q Remix)
DJ Apt One- Mickey Dreidels in Rome
Fast Eddie vs. The Flirts - Funky Danger

DOWNSTAIRS by Skinny Friedman

Project Pat - North Memphis
DJ Omega - Can't Hold Back
Dudenem - Watch My Feet remix f/ Twista
Trick Daddy - Nann (Ghost on Tape remix)
Starski and Clutch - East to West
Professor Murder - Free Stress Test (Caps and Jones remix)
Kid Sister - Switchboard
Outkast - B.O.B. (Skinny's Juke blend)
Skinny Friedman - Wallawallabingbang
Crime Mob - Stilletos (Skinny's Scrap Yard Juke remix)

GET IT HERE

And speaking of mixtapes we're sitting on, we'll be sure to let you know when our other cloistered work- a mix for Quannum Records- is birthed.

Child starz

2008-02-18T00:10:00.001-05:00

MONEY FOLDERS 2

This is a vid from the January 25th Money Folders jawn. Unfortunately, we aren't pictured...

Not front and back, but side to side

2008-02-13T19:35:00.004-05:00

I'm off to see what trouble I can cause in the land of Cali-forn-I-A for a few days, and I regret to inform y'all that I have discontinued my column at Philebrity. I left on good terms, just time to move on to other things.

I'll still be posting stuff there every blue moon, including a farewell-type column sometime in the near future. Tip of the cap to Joey and Ruth, it's been fun.

If you wanna read my archive there, look HERE.

And now, in the spirit of California Love, I bring you a new G-Funk and reggae inspired jam I cooked up over the past few days:

DJ Apt One - Mickey Dreidels '92 (zshare- 320 kbps)

Until then, I'm leaving the next few days of stewardship (read: not posting shit) up to Skinny, Burnso, Paul and the ever secretive Milo, who has only posted here once, although it was thrilling. If I randomly run into E-40, I'll be sure to tell him "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH" from everybody back east.

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2008-02-08T16:07:00.000-05:00

THIS SATURDAY, COME FLY WITH US

Philadelphyinz @ Medusa Lounge. 21st and Chestnut. You know the deal- more throwback goodness than the Swedish Bikini Team. I don't usually do this, but I can safely guarantee that I'll play some Snap and Skinny will play some Charlie.

Also, while we were busy not posting on this blog, some musical happenings, uh, occured. Here's one-

DJ Apt One - West Philly Windstorm (320 kbps, zshare)

DJ Apt One - West Philly Windstorm (Relative Q Remix) (320 kbps, direct link)

Next week will likely feature JJC's new and odd Buck Buck trend he's tryin to fire up, and a new Philadelphyinz mix for Ourtalk.

Word

2008-02-04T00:24:00.000-05:00

today's mathematics.

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2008-02-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

Another I-95 weekend over here.

FRIDAY - BROOKLYN

We roll with Cousin Cole and Pocketknife into Brooklyn and do the damn thing right. We had such fond memories of Cole's Philly debut at Medusa that we had to wind it back, change the venue and do it double.

FYI- the drink special is actually $2 off until midnight.

SATURDAY - PHILLY

Brendan Bring'em plus our heroes in a "doin-it-big" stylee.

FREE before 11PM and $5 afterwards if you are on the guestlist, which you can sign up for right here.

FREE PBR 10-12

A reminder- the party goes until 3:30 AM, so get on the list and come by afterhours if you've got other shit cookin.

SUNDAY - PLANET EARTH

Teh Stupor Bowl.

Read my thoughts on it at Philebrity.

Wheels Within Wheels

2008-02-01T00:44:00.000-05:00

Let's get a few thoughts about season five of The Wire out the way.

When I finished sobbing over Prop Joe's not-exactly-untimely end, I saw the parallels between him and Burrell. Not direct parallels -- don't be misled by that classic global collision between Joe and Herc in Levy's office -- but yet another moment in the show when we get to compare and, in this case, contrast police work with the drug trade.

There was a scene in season 1, maybe season 2 where Carver (?) sees Bodie and his boys beating down some other corner kids and comments that when they fuck up, they get hurt and when cops fuck up they get promoted. Back in those happier days, the Barksdales weren't exactly the model of efficiency, but they handled their business more than well enough to embarrass the Baltimore PD by way of juxtaposition. It took a few seasons, but the twin falls of Joe and Burrell give the flipside of both these situations.

Burrell got a golden parachute, but he also got publicly humiliated. In civil service (and in management, really) it's not that hard to fail your way to the top, as long as you kiss the right asses and work just a little harder than the next man. But the higher you rise in a broken institution, the more you expose yourself to its faults.

On the streets, you pretty much have to outmaneuver all threats to excel, which means being on point for as long as you are in the game. The further you get, the higher the stakes. Being at the top, Joe erred slightly and got shot in the fucking head for it. It's a sad commentary that the error in this case was having the audacity to think he could be Henry Higgins to Marlo's Eliza Doolittle.

(MUSICAL THEATER. WHAT.)

Anyways, as for Joe's actual demise, I really can't fall into the "what goes around comes around" camp. Dude had been bargaining his way out of trouble his entire career and when the chips were down, made it clear he would be happy to hand over his entire empire to save his own life. He was basically the only character on the show besides Omar who was able to keep it entirely business. (As opposed to, say, Cheese, who sold out Butchie because "that faggot put a gun in my face.") No white whale tendencies.

Biggie said it and a whole bunch of people said it before that: you deal drugs long enough, you end up either dead or in jail. Cool. But The Wire isn't and has never been about proving that SELLING DRUGS IS EVIL, as much as proving that a society that leaves almost no viable economic alternatives to THE EVIL PRACTICE OF SELLING DRUGS for tens of millions of its people is even more evil.

I'm not saying Joe didn't have it coming, somehow, eventually -- keep in mind what actually got him killed was being strategically nice -- but this just seems like another case of no good deed going unpunished in the quasi-fictional Baltimore streets. Season 5 has gone way off the rails anyways. How much does reality even matter?

Any character up for emotional investment will meet a tragic end. We know that by now. The Wire has slumped into the mopey denouement where the highs have lost their thrill and everything is one slow, unpleasant decline. Don't get too excited about the way Dookie's eyes maybe sorta kinda light up when Cutty tells him there's more to the world than the streets. Omar's feud with Marlo will take out Michael one way or another, as he is the lone likable member of the Stanfield posse. It's possible Dookie and Bug's sole purpose this season is to make his inevitable death that much more painful.

Tune in next week, when I consider whether or not the same shit is happening with Lost.

Bolitics, Wolitics et al

2008-01-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

With the news that Edwards is going to drop out of the primary race, I can't help but think- the primary process is super duper fucked up. Essentially, a bunch of libertarians in New Hampshire, a bunch of farmers in Iowa and a bunch of drawling South Carolinians made most of the choices for the rest of the country. Not to mention that the Democrats stripped Michigan and Florida of their delegates for voting earlier, disenfranchising those big, politically important states. By the time Pennsylvania votes on April 22, long after the upcoming "super Tuesday," I'm sure I won't even have any choices left at all. What a stupid process.

Should you vote all at once? Probably not- cross-country campaigning is too costly for a lot of the candidates. The localized process makes it so that the Bill Clintons and Mike Huckabees get their message out and gain momentum. Once again, the highly monetized political system in the US sinks a good idea.

How about voting in regional blocks, separated by a few weeks? Four or five regions? Debates in between. That keeps travel somewhat manageable and it keeps the issues slightly narrowed- Michigan is more similar to its midwestern neighbors than it is to, say, South Carolina.

I suppose I'm most disappointed because Edwards was the guy who refused to give in to the Democratic campaign's "sporting event" vibe. While Obama and Clinton were busy scoring media points while making oblique statements about grand ideals like "change,""leadership" and the like, Edwards was talking about poor people and health care. He basically sunk his own campaign by refusing to give in to the media's sound byte boxing match and instead talking about boring shit like policy. I guess he got what he deserved for thinking people were voting on the basis of competence rather than voting for the person with whose personality they would most like to project themselves.

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2008-01-25T15:04:00.000-05:00

This week is kind of sparse after last week's insanity (if you'll recall, Philly was the center of the universe last week). Here's what we got.

Friday (Philly)

Money Folders @ Arts Garage (15th and Parrish)
The second installment of Zilla Rocca and Co.'s rappity rap party with Skinny and I on the wheels. The whoadie DJ Stumble of SmartTech is coming out of hibernation to fill in for Skinny, whose Dad is getting married this week. Mazel Tov to Flatbush Charlie.
10-3:30AM. $10, ladies free before 10:30.

Saturday (Philly)

Bleached Black @ Medusa Lounge (21st and Chestnut)

Mike, Andrew, Kyle and Jeffery welcome Lovefingers and the bol Ron Morelli, who looks like me but is in fact an entirely different person.

10-2, Free.

You should know

2008-01-23T07:53:00.000-05:00

Sebastien Tellier is cold dumbdumb retarded. I'm not mixing my ethnomusical geographic descriptions wantonly here either. He goes dumb with his fanny pack on. He's French, but he wishes he was Italian. He dresses like he's ready for some yachting. He's hype in that mellow sort of way. He makes atmospheric electro-disco. Following me? No?

OK, so the hyphy part comes in because he has a very particular type of hipster sex predator aesthetic he's trying to cultivate. It's marketing, man. Dude is the Scweez (The Dummy Retarded Mexican, for those unfamiliar) to Bangalter's E-40. He goes dumb in between the sheets. Gas, scrape, dip = Coke, champagne, dick. This is 2008, we're too materialistic and AIDS-ridden to have insane coke orgies in the back of a disco. We just caricature debauchery and sell it.

La Ritournelle was probably the track of '06. Basically, it was the only piece of music in late 2006 or early 2007 that make my basalt musical superego register anything resembling a less-than-superficial human emotion.* Sexual Sportswear, buried in Q4 like any decent Jay-era Def Jam album, shredded December, '07.

So he's got an interview up in The Fader, plus a new promo track called Divine, which kind of sucks. It's like an early French Beatles Cover band went forward in time and brought back a Casio. Not a good look. But the interview is entertaining to read and leaves me with the impression that I don't want any girl I fancy anywhere near Sebastien Tellier because he's going to seduce them with mood disco and his swishy white pants and have unspeakably filthy sex with them. He's like one of those dudes who preys on foreign exchange students at the Sorbonne or something- he's got an accent, and even though he can't help it, that gives him an advantage.

Whatever.

Some select quotes:

First I wrote the album for a year. Guy-Man came home, heard some songs. After a couple glasses of Champagne, he agreed to work on the album...

I wanted to record erotic music, I wanted to excite people in an Italian way...

In my erotic fantasies, sportswear is very important. I prefer to put down a mini short rather than lift up a mini skirt...

A yo.

Sebastien Tellier - Sexual Sportswear

*- I heard a remix of La Ritournelle by some dude named Jake Bullitt at some point and it was fresh. I looked around for it and found shit. If you know where to find it, holler.

R.I.P. Ernie Holmes

2008-01-18T12:42:00.000-05:00

Passed away last night in a car wreck. Rev. Holmes was an original Steel Curtain tackle and a beast on and off the field. He'll be remembered for being a man who shaved his head into an arrow, who killed a cow for his birthday and who shot at a helicopter with a shotgun. He still shares the team record for most consecutive games with a sack (6). After winning 2 rings with the Steelers, he became an ordained minister. He'll be missed by his parish and the Steelers diaspora.

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2008-01-18T12:05:00.000-05:00

To call this weekend "insane" would be a gross understatement. Basically it's ONLY heavy hitters.

FRIDAY

Tonight at Fluid nightclub (4th and South Streets), Skinny and I are holding it down at a special Philadelphyinz night featuring DJ Tittsworth, who not only a good dude but one of the best and most in-demand club music DJs out there.

If you don't believe me, check out Discobelle's 12 Days of Tittsmas series of mega posts.

This event is FREE before 11:30 (and just $5 afterwards) if you sign up for the internet-only guestlist. GET ON IT HERE.

SATURDAY

I don't have all day to tell you about how great these events are, so I'll just trust that you know that these are all illin:

-Emynd and Bo Bliz featuring one of my other favorite Baltimore whoadies, Scottie B at the Barbary- Frankford and Girard.

-Glass Candy of Portland, Cullin Stalin and Dave Nada of Taxlo, Diplo, Low Budget and Dave P at the Mad Decent Mosoleum, 12th (Ridge really) and Spring Garden.

-Akon, Freeway, Beanie Sigel, Kid Sister and A-Trak at Solo Nightclub on Delaware Ave.

-Mad Pu$$y Fool's Gold afterparty at Transit (6th and Spring Garden) featuring Kid Sister, Nick Catchdubs, Dirty South Joe, DJ Sega and Brendan Bring'em.

HOLY SHIT.

Get on the funk train

2008-01-16T08:22:00.000-05:00

Former Phillie/Cub/Ranger Doug Glanville has an Op-Ed in the New York Times about baseball and the fear of getting old. I would have liked to include it over on Philebrity, but it has nothing to do with my column this week.

Glanville is Penn-educated, and he was always the locker room go-to-guy for a quote- mostly because he understood how to speak without using cliches. Reporters loved the fact that he was intelligent enough to comment on the game using some second-order thinking. Baseball players, for all their folklorish glorification, are high school educated at best, even the "college" educated ones. Most Latin players have less. Furthermore, most of these guys are the jock assholes who had kids like YOU doing their homework that whole time anyway. I always kind of imagined baseball writers looking at pencil-neck, .250-hitting Glanville as "one of us."

Anyway, his Op-Ed piece isn't exactly profound, but it's the best first-person insight we're going to get into the mind of an aging ballplayer in the steroid era. Everything else we read about that time (and trust me, there will be a zillion books when Sosa et al retire), is going to be a dry "as-told-to" book. Here's the meat of it:

I retired at the ripe old age of 34 following a season of sunflower seeds and only 162 at-bats. I had been a starter the year before. In this game, change happens fast.

Human nature wants to put the brakes on that rate of change. While your clock is ticking, faster, stronger and younger players are setting up their lockers next to yours. They usually have better sound bites and lower salaries, too. In 1998, I was the new kid in Philadelphia, battling Lenny Dysktra for the center field job. Five years later, I was mentoring another new kid, Marlon Byrd, so he could replace me. Faced with that rate of career atrophy, players are capable of rash, self-serving and often irresponsible decisions. Enter steroids.

There is a tipping point in a player’s career where he goes from chasing the dream to running from a nightmare. At that point, ambition is replaced with anxiety, passion is replaced with survival. It is a downhill run and it spares no one.

Read the whole thing here.

We're Fucked

2008-01-11T12:35:00.000-05:00

Steelers 2008 opponents and why they'll beat us:

Home:
Texans - Mario Williams got 14 sacks this season against good left tackles.
Colts - Sayin'...
Chargers - Nothing shows off aging inside linebackers like LT.
Cowboys - God just don't like us right now.
Giants - New Yorkers get real upset when they have to come to Pittsburgh. They'll play mad.

+division (3-0)

Away:
Jaguars - They've won 4 in a row. The last time we beat them was in 2004 by 1 point.
Titans - If the second best scrambling QB in the AFC South can make our D look like a wet paper towel twice in one season...
Patriots - "...and so that's when Donnie and I stopped watching the game in the 3rd quarter."
Eagles - We'll beat the Eagles. Fuck the Eagles.
Redskins - Bill Cowher will be their coach. Or so I've heard

+division (2-1, loss to Ravens)

good thing we drafted a punter...

Up jump the boogie

2008-01-10T17:33:00.001-05:00

No, don't adjust your whole steelo, that's Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter rapping a perfect cover of Sugarhill Gang's Rapper's Delight at his inaugural ball Monday. ?uestlove of The Roots on the wheels, fuckin up a bit actually. Nutter was actually a DJ in the early 80s, so that's his shit right there. When I was writing for Phawker I had a Q & A with him about DJing that never got published because campaign season got too hectic. It was vetted with his publicist, he saw the questions and then never got around to it.

On his first day in office, Nutter declared a crime emergency and then threw a big party at City Hall with free food and coffee. He stood and shook hands with people for six hours. Anybody could come, it was free. The line was easily close to a mile long.

It's a new day in Philly. I, for one, am excited.

tell tell tell

2008-01-07T09:56:00.000-05:00

Thoughts on The Wire episode 5.1 coming this week. Still mulling. But respect the cake my girl baked for the occasion.

Sad trombone

2008-01-07T00:02:00.000-05:00

That fucking sucked. It was made somewhat better by the fact that a half-dozen people at The Rub in Brooklyn came up and offered condolences of some kind or another. And Cosmo Baker shouted out Pittsburgh. So that was good. Besides, this team clearly wasn't Super Bowl caliber anyway, relative to the rest of the field. But, most of the Steelers woes were a matter of poor execution, not a matter of lack of talent (the offensive line excepted). Despite what people may say about the puzzling 3rd down quarterback sweep near the end of the game (would anybody have bitched if they just ran Najeh for no gain and took 40 seconds off the clock?), the coaching was generally good on both sides of the ball. Arians put together a fantastic offensive unit given the protection problems and Tomlin avoided judgement errors for the most part. On to next year.

Offseason laundry list:

1. Fire Special Teams coach
2. Trade up to draft the best O-lineman available
3. Potentially put an exclusive franchise tag on Alan Faneca, money allowing (why has nobody mentioned this yet? This lets Faneca get his money without having to make the 3-year commitment.)

hit em hit em hit em hit em

2007-12-30T12:43:00.000-05:00

My disdain for the Patriots is well-documented, but I have to give it up for the dudes. It was a little fun watching history last night. I have little or no love for the Giants, and the Schadenfreudic glee of watching the lesser Manning's slow, painful come-uppance isn't as fun as it used to be, but I still expected myself to push harder against the Pats. As unlikable as they are, we're probably not going to see another 16-0 team for a while.

Perfection takes as much luck as it does skill. It's playing well while dealing with the pressure of continuing to play well. It's like setting any kind of record. Or hitting the cycle. Or pitching a no-hitter. But going undefeated is a singular accomplishment in team sports because it involves that level of performance from a pile of people. Which means more opportunities for failure. With football, with so many moving parts, it's an even more impressive feat.

I make that somewhat asinine point to say this: the '07 Pats are the counterpoint to Vince Young's one-man-army. Young is the most dominant player in the NFL (also: Adrian Peterson), while the Pats are the most dominant team, and those are two entirely different statements. Being a dominant football player doesn't exactly translate to victory, it just means you can will yourself to success. The Patriots, on the other hand, collectively will themselves to victory.

But it's one thing for a ballsy, physically gifted athlete to deconstruct the terrain and move, Matrix-like, to do what needs to be done. It's another thing for 11 people to act as an extension of a 12th and do the same thing. For four months straight.

It's almost like they know what the other is going to do before they do it!

(Just kidding.)

Posting from the club

2007-12-28T23:15:00.000-05:00

Is where it's at!

(Subtext- you should be here)

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2007-12-28T14:59:00.000-05:00

Philly, tonight we have a treat for you- we're rockin' with the boys from Beat Garden Entertainment and Yadibox.com at a mixtape release jawn at the Arts Garage. Get ready for rap music, party jams, and a whole buncha emcees including the bols from Clean Guns.

Big O and Zilla Rocca put together a highly amusing promo video:

I do believe we are going to be rolling deep with the block party jams and classic rap and new jack swing cuts, so get ready to bounce to some of the shit that held you down when you were just a wee little whoadie. I'm looking forward to get deeper into that sort of stuff tonight, because, truthfully, that's my favorite stuff to play, although I'm certainly not averse to going bonkers with Italo and electro, as y'all well know. Keep your ear open for some fun surprises.

And, as if you needed anything else, here's a great video of Michael Jordan, Brad Daugherty and Sam Perkins's North Carolina team vs Len Bias's Maryland team. Make sure you watch Jordan finish the game with a downright retarded jam in what later became trademark style.

(Hat tip to Fanhouse's Michael David Smith)

You want I should freeze?

2007-12-25T10:52:00.000-05:00

The new Jewish Christmas- Chinese Food and a Hamilton Bohannon loop

Gillie Da Kid - Get Down On The Ground (Philadelphyinz Remix)

Be careful you don't start just destroying everything within arms reach too early in the song, as there will be nothing to destroy later in the song. And please, for the children, don't go wrecking shit until everybody has carefully stowed their Christmas presents. Apt One and Skinny Friedman are not responsible for anybody tearing the club up... in their house.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-21T16:28:00.001-05:00

I know Skinny posted something...

2007-12-21T14:22:00.000-05:00

But I just wanted to add my two cents about the game of Madden last night where James Hart was apparently the Steelers offensive coordinator. My assumption of this fact was that: a) the game begins with an 85 yard pass, b) the next possession features a fake punt pass.

I'm happy to see that we managed to top one of the worst teams in the league last night. It seems Ben has won against every NFC team that isn't named after a bird and has red uniforms. Even without Fast Willie. We see your Marshall Faulk throwback jersey ceremony and raise you our 270 pound sex offender.

Najeh Davenport Poop Joke Compendium

2007-12-21T12:23:00.001-05:00

Fast Willie Parker snapped his fibula (dayum!) last night, in a rare victory by our struggling 'Lers over Mark Bulger and a couple of 50-year-old hall of fame receivers. Najeh stepped in handsomely, putting up a grip of yards.

What matters isn't that Willie is out for the season. What matters isn't that Najeh's shortcomings as short-yardage power runner in the mold of St. Jerome of Motown have made him somewhat of a disappointment to the Steeler Nation, but will actually make him more useful as the primary back while Willie is out. What matters is that Najeh Davenport may or may not have shit in some girl's laundry hamper in 2002.

I'm way too cultured to bust out any shit-centric one liners about these circumstances, but I'm defs not above listing the best ones I've heard thus far. These are mostly gleaned from the Deadspin comment section, but I only took the funny ones, and that'll save you time.

"So you don’t think Najeh Davenport will “hamper” the Steelers’ chances the rest of the season?"
"I guess this means the Browns are going to the Super Bowl."
"If there is a God, he'll let Najeh run in a 2-point conversion so we can hear some unaware announcer say 'And Davenport gets the Deuce'."
"He's not really starting caliber. Davenport is at his best as a number two."
"2Najehs1Football"
"I can't wait for Davenport to bowel over some defenders."

and the best...

"Colon opens up a huge hole, and Davenport squirts through it."

Just Sayin Pentagon Papers - Street Hockey Club Rap

2007-12-17T17:49:00.000-05:00

(Image from The Fader)

Preface: Skinny had just sent me a link to a story from a major newspaper about a rapper who went to our high school getting signed to a major rap label.

GentleWhoadie Apt One: here was his model:
become b-level independent rap star -->
fail to break out due to laziness and inflated sense of importance --->
have career fall apart --->
reinvent self as hipster rapper with hot topic belt --->
make vapid club rap song that mimics stuff on radio --->
get signed to major --->
get better belt
move to LA is in there somewhere.

Skinny Friedman: hot topic belt

GW AO: man, i can't even get excited like this validates the scene we grew up in because this kind of makes me say "ugh, gross"

SF: it doesn't validate shit

GW AO: pretty vapid stuff too

SF: it validates that selling out works

GW AO: i think that wiz khalifa is actually much more representative of what i like to consider "pittsburgh hip hop"- the emphasis on skill
i mean, i wouldn't mind if [redacted] weren't big upping the blue collar pittsburgh spirit
i'd be like "ok, whatever, i heard you're a sexual deviant anyway so this is kinda your song"- but dude got his 8x10 glossy shot the moment he left [name of neighborhood]

SF: i was listening to the philly pop station last weekend and it finally hit me that rap has crossed over entirely
like being a pop rapper is now a viable mainstream career
you can get signed by something resembling a big label
they will make you look like a star
you will do a song with akon and/or t-pain
it will be about the club, money, guns and hoes
and you will rap like you have a brain injury
and it will have nothing to do with rap radio

GW AO: [redacted] should make a track about bitches in thongs making out on [redatcted]'s lawn while we play street hockey with [redacted]
true story (except replace the bitches with [redacted])

Also, this post features the first of many appearances of Just Sayin's resident Cuttlefish, Cuttles

We servin

2007-12-16T21:52:00.000-05:00

Today's guest writer is Dos Noun

I was going to write about the lethality of syrup addiction but a new kind of drug with different implications has caught my attention. The Mitchell Report dropped today. I downloaded it and began to reading and I must say it is no "Da Vinci" code. Kind of reminds me of the "Warren Commission" report. A lot of hype for something that reads like an audit, which it basically is. Obviously someone (John Kruk?) waded through its entirety to give the public the goods. Those goods being of course who is guilty by hearsay and therefore guilty regardless of performance enhancing drug use in Major League Baseball.

Lots of names...lots of careers....lots of implications.....Bonds, whose name is mentioned on forty percent of the report's total pages. Randy Velarde, say ain't so Catasaqua kid..say it ain't so. What did he utilize them for? His amazing prowess with the bat? Lots of talk has been directed toward steroids making great players computer game perfect, but what of the Mendozas of the athletic world whom steroids and other illegal supplements allow to remain in the league. Did anyone notice a spike in Velarde's performance. That one year he hit .267 I could tell he was juicing. His singles lined themselves to the opposite field waaay too quickly to be the product of Velarde's natural conditioning. And he cooperated! The fuck!!!! What a lack of street smarts! Someone should have told him that the investigation was targeting bigger fish. Like say starters who aren't retired for example.

But I am happy. Very happy. Overjoyed even. Why? Because for once there is justice in this mortal thread. They named someone who is not only guilty but deserves every scrap of punishment that will be aimed at his fat, stupid, head. Its also an implication that will force the hypocritical, closet racist, sporting fan to confront their prejudices.

I am speaking of Roger Clemens. A colossal douchebag who has received nothing but praise for years while behaving in a way that attracts condemnation for any athlete. His cowardice/sociopathy: breaking Piazza's face with a pitch because dude owned him and then begging out of facing retaliation. His ego: He once stated that he was glad his mother had held on through years of debilitating illness for once reason, "To see me win three hundred games..."..or the fact that his children are named Koby, Kasey, and Kory, as in strikeouts. His mercenary nature: skipping to any team that offered him money without ever looking back. Say what you will of Bonds, dude played for two squads. Clemens is the MLB equivalent of Bob Mcadoo yet he still gets Truck Commercial music played anytime his name gets mentioned. Even his house is stupid and fatheaded: that jawn looks like twenty five white aluminum sided McMansions literally lined up in a row. He said he designed it. What a renaissance man. And I'm not saying that he is racist but he sure looks it. Cmon' you know that he is in his giant aluminum sided airplane hangar out of public eye....You KNOW THAT SHIT. I have no proof, but that doesn't stop me from being right.

All of this wouldn't bother me one but but the guy gets break after stinking break. Every outburst of selfish bad behavior from him, every fit of ego is swept under the rug. I wondered why. I wonder no more. The average white, male, overweight, middle aged sports fan can't handle Black millionaires strutting around in jewelry, insulting reporters, or discharging firearms in exotic dance establishments. But this sort has has some kind of affinity for the overweight, middle aged, hyper-competitive Southern Cy Young award winner.

Already Clemens apologists are online and writing articles taking a "wait and see" attitude toward Clemens's HOF status. How is this any different than Bonds? Why did it take so long to come to light? If Bonds was his era's most dominant hitter and he is irreparably tainted by steroid use then why isn't the era's most statistically dominant pitcher getting the same amount of flack? Much was made of Bonds's enormous head, his change in body type, his statistics that defied aging. Ok. Was I the only one to see that Clemens had an enormous head, a fatboy body that got more defined as he got older, stats that improved in his late thirties after a period where he sucked for a few years, and of course manifested sociopathical behaviors that showed a murderous temper?

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What about the time he threw a bat at Mike Piazza for committing the capital offense of making contact off him, using sinister engineering to make his bat shatter in such a way that it landed a mere two feet from where Clemens stood. Roger glowering like the Aryan Brotherhood leader in a supermax prison. I was in the stands that night. I watched that shit happen in disbelief. They didn't even eject his ass. Why? If Dave Stewart had done that shit he'd have been ghost for the duration of the series. But no. Beanball throwing, bat wielding, roid raging on nation television, fat ass head having ass muthafukkkin Roger Clemens got a pass. Just like always. Well no more. Dude is guilty as sin. Guilty as Bonds, and everyone, Yankee fans to sportswriters, to white bol apologists need to recognize.

talkin cats

2007-12-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

NORE f/ Tru-Life and Peedi Crakk - Eat Pussy

Having grown up in a generally sex positive slice of urban life, the sexual foibles of other cultures never cease to baffle me. You may recall No Doubt's "Hey Baby", a likable song with an out-of-left field verse from dancehall superstar Bounty Killer. BK even showed up in the video, in a well-conceived move for crossover appeal.

Right before he spits, No Doubt's drummer Adrian Young gets naked and pulls himself up on some gymnastics rings (if there is a term for these, I have forgotten it). Word was BK caught hell for appearing in the same video as, and on screen so close to another man's ass cheeks. Apparently this makes you gay by association. Frankly I think his Lee Press-on Bobby Digital Metal Fingernails are much more questionably sexual than dude being in the same video as the disrobed male form, but what do I know.

Anyways, there was an even more insane rumor about the video. Somebody apparently cut a dub plate dissing BK for being on the track at all, for pulling some sell out shit, and insinuating that Gwen Stefani had made Bounty Killer eat her out in exchange for the placement. What the fuck?

That story made me a little self-concious about my generally easy-going attitude about cunnlingus. It had never even occurred to me that that was something for which you could get clowned. The plot line in the first season of The Sopranos, where Junior pies the girl he was getting all cute with because word got out he was going down on her, didn't help things.

This hasn't changed my attitude but it has made me a little paranoid: when I'm famous, what other common sexual practices could be used to leverage my downfall? What else am I missing, beyond my sexual behavoir? Diet? Shower routine? Furniture choices?

Several years later, a trio of Puerto Rican rappers have returned my sanity and calmed my paranoia. Apparently it's ok to eat pussy if you're Puerto Rican, and possibly even encouraged. "Eat Pussy" is an awesome song, and not only because Peedi Crakk's on it.

(Thanks to DI1 for the tip)

Don't get it twisted

2007-12-15T11:53:00.000-05:00

We've got a nice backlog of material to share with you in the coming week, including an essay from Dos about how Roger Clemens fooled white male America into thinking he's "just like them" because he likes to "mow shit" and measures things in "country miles" or whatever.

But TONIGHT

You'd be not only a bad person, but also a treasonous one if you miss this:

The Juan MacLean featuring Apt One and Skinny Friedman (Philadelphyinz) at Transit Nightclub. 6th and Spring Garden Streets, Philadelphia.

Brendan Bringem is downstairs, and there's free beer 10-12.

What more could you want?

Git em

2007-12-10T14:49:00.000-05:00

Get your $6 advance tickets to see The Juan MacLean (DFA Records) with me and Skinny at Transit this Saturday RIGHT HERE.

And, oh, yeah Brendan Bringem+JesOne and Dirty will be holding down the basement and top levels, respectively.

Can you say "holy fuck?"

Wack juice

2007-12-10T08:25:00.000-05:00

Stupid

Some observations:

1. The Steelers have no big play offense
2. Even if you can run ALL OVER the other team, you fuck your running game by taking penalties
3a. Blitzing everybody leaves single coverage
3b. Three step drops and dinky passes short circuit the blitz (West Coast super-teams have done that to the Steelers for years, remember)
3c. I hope nobody noticed how the Patriots neutralized the blitz in the second half
4. I'm not worried about the Steelers pass defense- if you exclude the big play to Moss and that jenky fumble/WR Throwback broken play (e.g. ignore the over-eager 2nd year safety), their failures were more a product of New England's amazing execution than self-destruction
5. The Pats are way better than the Steelers, but they are beatable

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2007-12-07T14:33:00.000-05:00

Friday - Brooklyn

I (Pirate) NY at the Lucky Cat, 245 Grand Street, Williamsburg. FREE

Saturday - Philadelphia

Philadelphyinz at Medusa Lounge, 27 S. 21st Street. FREE

Apt One + Skinny Friedman + Relative Q (from the Interfaith DJ exchange service)

Latkes + Dreidels + Gelt + Candles

Disco + Electro + Club + Rap + Classics + Funk

Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice

2007-12-05T08:10:00.000-05:00

Now, this isn't a site known for it's hard hitting economic analysis. This isn't the Wall Street Journal, and we aren't I-bankers (we'd probably kill ourselves if we were). But there's one thing we can tell you- the economy is on the rebound. It's a lock.

How do we know?

Luke Entertainment Group, which brought you such products as "Can a Nigga Get a Table Dance," "Me So Horny," "Get The Fuck Out My House," "We Want Some Pussy," "Face Down, Ass Up," "Doo Doo Brown" and "Pop that Pussy" is going public on NASDAQ under the ticker name LKEN.

And no, I didn't make that up, thank you.

Tell your mutual fund manager that this is the perfect way to expand the Booty Bass percentage in your mid-cap blend portfolio.

BUY! BUY! BUY!

RIP Pimp C

2007-12-04T14:53:00.000-05:00

Chad Butler: 1973-2007

Rapper Pimp C of seminal Houston rap group UGK was found dead in a hotel room in Hollywood of an apparent drug overdose. Pushermania of HoustonSoReal has spoken to sources familiar with the situation and confirmed.

My sources tell me that KBXX radio in Houston has switched over to an all UGK format right now. Listen here.

A sad day.

Mine now

2007-12-04T08:27:00.000-05:00

Though you may not drive a great big Cadillac

Gangsta whitewalls, TV antennas in the back
You may not have a car at all
But remember brothers and sisters, you can still stand tall
Just be thankful for what you got

All the new Rocksmith is at Pedestrian, 3rd and South.

Bitch I got the Mondays

2007-12-03T08:03:00.000-05:00

OK, which of the following stories is more ridiculous:

Some dude in Montana hit a shopping mall Santa in the face with a pie. That's not really that funny, but the peripherals here are awesome:

Clint Westwood, 22, said he "lightly smooshed" the pie into the man's face Wednesday and shouted, "What do you think of that, Santa?"....He said that after the pie ruckus, he expected to approach Santa for a signature on a film-release form, but police arrived first.

I should also mention that the pie was a pumpkin pie, which strikes me as a very non-standard choice.

CLINT WESTWOOD?

I never would have seen that story if it weren't in the AP News feed in the sidebar of Ron Cook's official WORST COLUMN EVER WRITTEN today in the Post-Gazette. Now, I should start by saying that I like Ron. He's a nice guy, and when I worked the late shift at the Post-Gazette, I often sat at his desk because he works from home a lot and there aren't enough desks in the sports department because the staff largely works in shifts. So Ron would come in and grab things from his desk and say hello and he is a smart and pleasant guy. Good writer too, but I have to imagine he had something really pressing to do when he decided to write a column entitled...

Benching Big Ben for slow start bad idea

Wha? Yeah, Ben threw like 5 or 7 wet footballs over his receivers' heads in the first quarter last night, but benching the Super Bowl-winning franchise quarterback who is 2nd in the league in passer rating has never exactly been an option. It wasn't last night, or any time this season. Even last year when he was feeble-minded from putting his head through a Chrysler windshield, nobody considered it too seriously. The kid had just won the Super Bowl, let him take his lumps.

So, uh, where exactly did this column come from? I think Ron knew he had a column due but his car got towed or who knows what, so he decided to write the most unassailable column in the history of sports writing, one entitled "Why you don't bench a player everybody agrees is playing really well."

Bomb drops

2007-11-29T09:21:00.000-05:00

Just finished working on a new joint. It's a reworking of a track I actually made a couple of years ago.

DJ Apt One - Mickey Dreidels Theme (320)

Frankly, it's the jam.

Sardines for dinner part 2

2007-11-27T22:51:00.000-05:00

Motherfucker had style

Tomorrow, my column in Philebrity addresses (in part) the murder of Redskins safety Sean Taylor. It was a year ago in this space that frustration forced me to pen a long and involved essay on the underbelly of the professional sports- the machine which thrusts often ill-equipped, impoverished man-children into the media limelight and exposes them to the double world in which Dos described T.I. not so long ago.

In my column, I ultimately direct readers towards the essay I wrote regarding the murder of Darrent Williams, and I encourage readers of this blog to do the same.

You can find that post here.

I'll post the Philebrity link when it goes live.

Dada street life part 2 (peenie pills edition)

2007-11-26T12:08:00.000-05:00

The whoadie Christian TeBordo (pictured above) has a new novel out. I heard him read from it a few months back and it was excellent. Or at least I thought so at the time because I spent most of the reading trying to stop the bar's 45-year-old sound system from translating his excerpts into whale language, so I guess I wasn't really paying attention. Just kidding. I was listening. I needed a good way to work in that whale joke. But seriously folks. It's a good book, and Christian is a good dude. A bad rapper, but a good dude.

CT did an interview over at benkharakh.com. Here's an excerpt:

Much later, my mother passed away, and I really did begin to receive spam from her account. After a while I decided to fictionalize that, and it resulted in a longish novella that is pretty similar to the book in its current form.

Yeah, it's like that. He also advocates for the firing of Isaiah Thomas, which is admirable, though not as adventorous or groundbreaking as a supernatural penis enlargement spam scheme.

Read the whole thing here.

Buy his book on Amazon or your genitals will rot off. Seriously. They will.

Free Lunch (No Homo)

2007-11-26T01:42:00.000-05:00

The Tuesday night drive to the ancestral motherland of Yardley, PA was dope because your favorite violent Muslim rapper Freeway put out his sophomore album on that same day. It's called Free At Last and it's very very good. I liked his mixtape from the summer, Live Free Or Die Hard, but a number of people who hated that tape (everyone but me, apparently--DUDES BLACK THOUGHT WAS ON IT!) agree with me. So let that be some kind of endorsement.

The whole album sounds a little bit like "Line Em Up" from his first joint, and that is in no way a bad thing. Just old soul loops and a whole lot of rough rhyming. "It's Over," "Still Got Love" and "Spit That Shit" are just wild east coast hard core rap. There's a sick posse cut called "Walk With Me" with Jadakiss and Busta, where Busta talks about fucking bitches in Park Slope and that cracks me up. Scarface shows up on "Baby Don't Do It" and it's a really good match because Face has that desperation drawl on lock. There's not much for the clubs here, besides "Big Spender," which has been strangely renamed "Roc-A-Fella Billionaires." There's a joint with 50 Cent called "To the Top" and it was on the radio when I was in Philly, and though it's not that bad, Free doesn't sound right doin anything for the ladies. I mean, he's a Muslim.

(Side note: is there any rapper with less crossover appeal than Freeway? Everyone else has this smooth side that can flip and become LL Cool J should need be. At least Beanie Sigel has good drugs. What girl is gonna fuck with a dude with a giant beard, stringent religious beliefs, a permanent screwface and a weird high growly voice? Do you think the ladies like gettin EARLY'd?)

Yung Hiatus

2007-11-25T23:13:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the sparseness of the posting round here. Everybody has been doing lots of traveling with the holidays and such. To keep you entertained, here's a college ref explaining a penalty in a ridiculous way:

dear mssrs. tomlin and arians,

2007-11-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

What the fuck were you thinking running that draw on 3rd and 14? A full explanation will be due as soon as possible.

Thanks,
Pittsburgh

fog machines and laser rays, pittsburgh edition.

2007-11-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

There seems to be a fair amount of stuff going on this weekend and next. Here are all the things that I won't be going to:

Tonight

DJ DB @ Z:Lounge, E. Carson St., Southside - DJ DB has been a pretty big deal in the American Drum & Bass scene for a long time. If you're into D&B, this is the place for you. $5 cover with flyer, which can be printed out from http://www.zloungepgh.com/.

Saturday

Random Therapy @ Millsite Tavern, 2512 E. Carson St., Southside - This week is featuring a 4x4 set from the Humanaut crew (Matt Monroe, Aaron Clark, Paul Alexander, and Adam Oliveri). Humanaut have been throwing some of the biggest parties around here, and are sick DJs. The place to go if you wanna hear some minimal tech house funk bleepy shit. Also playing are residents Nolan and Rezon-8. No cover, drinks are cheap.

Wednesday

Luke Fair @ Privilege, Smallman St., Strip District - Wanna be a complete wreck for hanging out with your rays on Thanksgiving? Go to this. House madness. Opening duties will be performed by Matt Monroe. Presales are $12, and you can probably get them by checking out http://www.humanaut.net/. I'd imagine door tickets will be $15.

Next Saturday

Our own Whoadie @ Brillobox, Penn & Main, Bloomfield - DJ Apt One with Ed Umm and someone else, I think. This will be the place to be. No idea what the cover is, but it'll be cheap, and the drinks are cheap too. Show up and throw down.

Next Sunday

The Harlan Twins @ Howler's, Liberty Ave., Bloomfield - This is my band. We play country/rock shit. I'm pretty sure we don't suck. Opening up are the Beagle Brothers, who play awesome burned-out-punk-rocker bluegrass. There's no cover, and a free Vegan buffet, and the beer at Howler's is dirt cheap. I'll see y'all there.

Tat-tat-tatted Up

2007-11-14T20:39:00.000-05:00

More spaced-out modern soul beats, k thx bai.

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

2007-11-09T15:26:00.000-05:00

This is a pretty jam-packed weekend folks. Here's what's going on in Philly.

Friday

-Homeboy Nick Hook's band Men Women and Children is playing with RX Bandits at the TLA (4th and South)

-The best band in Philadelphia, Normal Love, is releasing their long anticipated debut album at Pilam (39th and Spruce). Why this is in a Penn frat, I don't know. And no, I don't care that it's the hipster frat. It's a fucking frat. At Penn. That said, Normal Love- best band in Philly. Not kidding.

-Dirty South Joe and Brendan Bringem unleash young bol DJ Sega on the Mansion (19th and Sansom). In case you forgot, Sega fucking slayed it at our last Medusa jawn. Flyer here.

-Mike Tee and Billy Werner get all up in your robogrill at Robotique at Medusa Lounge.

Saturday

As Keith Jackson used to say- this is the Granddaddy of Them All... or at least for us it damn sure is-

Philadelphyinz is celebrating 2 years of making your face melt off with everything that you know and love about partying, DJing, music and nuclear physics. Celebrate the good and the bad with us at Medusa Lounge. No Cover as always- and look out for the special surprises!

Take em to war

2007-11-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

Color coordinated for perhaps the first time in my life

Last night's smasheroo with Flosstradamus was a smasheroo indeed. Had a great time, and the crowd was an ideal group for the stuff I wanted to play. I also had a bunch of people come up and tell me that the Philadelphyinz Bar Mitzvah was a big favorite of theirs, which was great to hear considering all the hard work we put in on it earlier this year.

Just a reminder, you can still download it HERE.

The dudes at two.one.five magazine took the flicks you see above and below. You can see them all HERE (including one that I think is the weird and voyeuristic Underboober).

Yes, that's Bushy, the man behind the excellent Ourtalk blog.

Flossy

Amanda Blank, who apparently has a wiki.

Sippin