Sunday, December 16, 2007

We servin

Today's guest writer is Dos Noun

I was going to write about the lethality of syrup addiction but a new kind of drug with different implications has caught my attention. The Mitchell Report dropped today. I downloaded it and began to reading and I must say it is no "Da Vinci" code. Kind of reminds me of the "Warren Commission" report. A lot of hype for something that reads like an audit, which it basically is. Obviously someone (John Kruk?) waded through its entirety to give the public the goods. Those goods being of course who is guilty by hearsay and therefore guilty regardless of performance enhancing drug use in Major League Baseball.

Lots of names...lots of careers....lots of implications.....Bonds, whose name is mentioned on forty percent of the report's total pages. Randy Velarde, say ain't so Catasaqua kid..say it ain't so. What did he utilize them for? His amazing prowess with the bat? Lots of talk has been directed toward steroids making great players computer game perfect, but what of the Mendozas of the athletic world whom steroids and other illegal supplements allow to remain in the league. Did anyone notice a spike in Velarde's performance. That one year he hit .267 I could tell he was juicing. His singles lined themselves to the opposite field waaay too quickly to be the product of Velarde's natural conditioning. And he cooperated! The fuck!!!! What a lack of street smarts! Someone should have told him that the investigation was targeting bigger fish. Like say starters who aren't retired for example.

But I am happy. Very happy. Overjoyed even. Why? Because for once there is justice in this mortal thread. They named someone who is not only guilty but deserves every scrap of punishment that will be aimed at his fat, stupid, head. Its also an implication that will force the hypocritical, closet racist, sporting fan to confront their prejudices.

I am speaking of Roger Clemens. A colossal douchebag who has received nothing but praise for years while behaving in a way that attracts condemnation for any athlete. His cowardice/sociopathy: breaking Piazza's face with a pitch because dude owned him and then begging out of facing retaliation. His ego: He once stated that he was glad his mother had held on through years of debilitating illness for once reason, "To see me win three hundred games..."..or the fact that his children are named Koby, Kasey, and Kory, as in strikeouts. His mercenary nature: skipping to any team that offered him money without ever looking back. Say what you will of Bonds, dude played for two squads. Clemens is the MLB equivalent of Bob Mcadoo yet he still gets Truck Commercial music played anytime his name gets mentioned. Even his house is stupid and fatheaded: that jawn looks like twenty five white aluminum sided McMansions literally lined up in a row. He said he designed it. What a renaissance man. And I'm not saying that he is racist but he sure looks it. Cmon' you know that he is in his giant aluminum sided airplane hangar out of public eye....You KNOW THAT SHIT. I have no proof, but that doesn't stop me from being right.

All of this wouldn't bother me one but but the guy gets break after stinking break. Every outburst of selfish bad behavior from him, every fit of ego is swept under the rug. I wondered why. I wonder no more. The average white, male, overweight, middle aged sports fan can't handle Black millionaires strutting around in jewelry, insulting reporters, or discharging firearms in exotic dance establishments. But this sort has has some kind of affinity for the overweight, middle aged, hyper-competitive Southern Cy Young award winner.

Already Clemens apologists are online and writing articles taking a "wait and see" attitude toward Clemens's HOF status. How is this any different than Bonds? Why did it take so long to come to light? If Bonds was his era's most dominant hitter and he is irreparably tainted by steroid use then why isn't the era's most statistically dominant pitcher getting the same amount of flack? Much was made of Bonds's enormous head, his change in body type, his statistics that defied aging. Ok. Was I the only one to see that Clemens had an enormous head, a fatboy body that got more defined as he got older, stats that improved in his late thirties after a period where he sucked for a few years, and of course manifested sociopathical behaviors that showed a murderous temper?


What about the time he threw a bat at Mike Piazza for committing the capital offense of making contact off him, using sinister engineering to make his bat shatter in such a way that it landed a mere two feet from where Clemens stood. Roger glowering like the Aryan Brotherhood leader in a supermax prison. I was in the stands that night. I watched that shit happen in disbelief. They didn't even eject his ass. Why? If Dave Stewart had done that shit he'd have been ghost for the duration of the series. But no. Beanball throwing, bat wielding, roid raging on nation television, fat ass head having ass muthafukkkin Roger Clemens got a pass. Just like always. Well no more. Dude is guilty as sin. Guilty as Bonds, and everyone, Yankee fans to sportswriters, to white bol apologists need to recognize.

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