Sunday, December 30, 2007

hit em hit em hit em hit em

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My disdain for the Patriots is well-documented, but I have to give it up for the dudes. It was a little fun watching history last night. I have little or no love for the Giants, and the Schadenfreudic glee of watching the lesser Manning's slow, painful come-uppance isn't as fun as it used to be, but I still expected myself to push harder against the Pats. As unlikable as they are, we're probably not going to see another 16-0 team for a while.

Perfection takes as much luck as it does skill. It's playing well while dealing with the pressure of continuing to play well. It's like setting any kind of record. Or hitting the cycle. Or pitching a no-hitter. But going undefeated is a singular accomplishment in team sports because it involves that level of performance from a pile of people. Which means more opportunities for failure. With football, with so many moving parts, it's an even more impressive feat.

I make that somewhat asinine point to say this: the '07 Pats are the counterpoint to Vince Young's one-man-army. Young is the most dominant player in the NFL (also: Adrian Peterson), while the Pats are the most dominant team, and those are two entirely different statements. Being a dominant football player doesn't exactly translate to victory, it just means you can will yourself to success. The Patriots, on the other hand, collectively will themselves to victory.

But it's one thing for a ballsy, physically gifted athlete to deconstruct the terrain and move, Matrix-like, to do what needs to be done. It's another thing for 11 people to act as an extension of a 12th and do the same thing. For four months straight.

It's almost like they know what the other is going to do before they do it!

(Just kidding.)

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Friday, December 28, 2007

Posting from the club

Is where it's at!

(Subtext- you should be here)


Fog Machines and Laser Rays

Philly, tonight we have a treat for you- we're rockin' with the boys from Beat Garden Entertainment and at a mixtape release jawn at the Arts Garage. Get ready for rap music, party jams, and a whole buncha emcees including the bols from Clean Guns.

Big O and Zilla Rocca put together a highly amusing promo video:

I do believe we are going to be rolling deep with the block party jams and classic rap and new jack swing cuts, so get ready to bounce to some of the shit that held you down when you were just a wee little whoadie. I'm looking forward to get deeper into that sort of stuff tonight, because, truthfully, that's my favorite stuff to play, although I'm certainly not averse to going bonkers with Italo and electro, as y'all well know. Keep your ear open for some fun surprises.

And, as if you needed anything else, here's a great video of Michael Jordan, Brad Daugherty and Sam Perkins's North Carolina team vs Len Bias's Maryland team. Make sure you watch Jordan finish the game with a downright retarded jam in what later became trademark style.

(Hat tip to Fanhouse's Michael David Smith)

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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

You want I should freeze?

The new Jewish Christmas- Chinese Food and a Hamilton Bohannon loop

Gillie Da Kid - Get Down On The Ground (Philadelphyinz Remix)

Be careful you don't start just destroying everything within arms reach too early in the song, as there will be nothing to destroy later in the song. And please, for the children, don't go wrecking shit until everybody has carefully stowed their Christmas presents. Apt One and Skinny Friedman are not responsible for anybody tearing the club up... in their house.

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Friday, December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas

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I know Skinny posted something...

But I just wanted to add my two cents about the game of Madden last night where James Hart was apparently the Steelers offensive coordinator. My assumption of this fact was that: a) the game begins with an 85 yard pass, b) the next possession features a fake punt pass.

I'm happy to see that we managed to top one of the worst teams in the league last night. It seems Ben has won against every NFC team that isn't named after a bird and has red uniforms. Even without Fast Willie. We see your Marshall Faulk throwback jersey ceremony and raise you our 270 pound sex offender.

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Najeh Davenport Poop Joke Compendium

Fast Willie Parker snapped his fibula (dayum!) last night, in a rare victory by our struggling 'Lers over Mark Bulger and a couple of 50-year-old hall of fame receivers. Najeh stepped in handsomely, putting up a grip of yards.

What matters isn't that Willie is out for the season. What matters isn't that Najeh's shortcomings as short-yardage power runner in the mold of St. Jerome of Motown have made him somewhat of a disappointment to the Steeler Nation, but will actually make him more useful as the primary back while Willie is out. What matters is that Najeh Davenport may or may not have shit in some girl's laundry hamper in 2002.

I'm way too cultured to bust out any shit-centric one liners about these circumstances, but I'm defs not above listing the best ones I've heard thus far. These are mostly gleaned from the Deadspin comment section, but I only took the funny ones, and that'll save you time.

"So you don’t think Najeh Davenport will “hamper” the Steelers’ chances the rest of the season?"
"I guess this means the Browns are going to the Super Bowl."
"If there is a God, he'll let Najeh run in a 2-point conversion so we can hear some unaware announcer say 'And Davenport gets the Deuce'."
"He's not really starting caliber. Davenport is at his best as a number two."
"I can't wait for Davenport to bowel over some defenders."

and the best...

"Colon opens up a huge hole, and Davenport squirts through it."

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Monday, December 17, 2007

Just Sayin Pentagon Papers - Street Hockey Club Rap

(Image from The Fader)

Preface: Skinny had just sent me a link to a story from a major newspaper about a rapper who went to our high school getting signed to a major rap label.

GentleWhoadie Apt One: here was his model:
become b-level independent rap star -->
fail to break out due to laziness and inflated sense of importance --->
have career fall apart --->
reinvent self as hipster rapper with hot topic belt --->
make vapid club rap song that mimics stuff on radio --->
get signed to major --->
get better belt
move to LA is in there somewhere.

Skinny Friedman: hot topic belt

GW AO: man, i can't even get excited like this validates the scene we grew up in because this kind of makes me say "ugh, gross"

SF: it doesn't validate shit

GW AO: pretty vapid stuff too

SF: it validates that selling out works

GW AO: i think that wiz khalifa is actually much more representative of what i like to consider "pittsburgh hip hop"- the emphasis on skill
i mean, i wouldn't mind if [redacted] weren't big upping the blue collar pittsburgh spirit
i'd be like "ok, whatever, i heard you're a sexual deviant anyway so this is kinda your song"- but dude got his 8x10 glossy shot the moment he left [name of neighborhood]

SF: i was listening to the philly pop station last weekend and it finally hit me that rap has crossed over entirely
like being a pop rapper is now a viable mainstream career
you can get signed by something resembling a big label
they will make you look like a star
you will do a song with akon and/or t-pain
it will be about the club, money, guns and hoes
and you will rap like you have a brain injury
and it will have nothing to do with rap radio

GW AO: [redacted] should make a track about bitches in thongs making out on [redatcted]'s lawn while we play street hockey with [redacted]
true story (except replace the bitches with [redacted])

Also, this post features the first of many appearances of Just Sayin's resident Cuttlefish, Cuttles

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Sunday, December 16, 2007

We servin

Today's guest writer is Dos Noun

I was going to write about the lethality of syrup addiction but a new kind of drug with different implications has caught my attention. The Mitchell Report dropped today. I downloaded it and began to reading and I must say it is no "Da Vinci" code. Kind of reminds me of the "Warren Commission" report. A lot of hype for something that reads like an audit, which it basically is. Obviously someone (John Kruk?) waded through its entirety to give the public the goods. Those goods being of course who is guilty by hearsay and therefore guilty regardless of performance enhancing drug use in Major League Baseball.

Lots of names...lots of careers....lots of implications.....Bonds, whose name is mentioned on forty percent of the report's total pages. Randy Velarde, say ain't so Catasaqua kid..say it ain't so. What did he utilize them for? His amazing prowess with the bat? Lots of talk has been directed toward steroids making great players computer game perfect, but what of the Mendozas of the athletic world whom steroids and other illegal supplements allow to remain in the league. Did anyone notice a spike in Velarde's performance. That one year he hit .267 I could tell he was juicing. His singles lined themselves to the opposite field waaay too quickly to be the product of Velarde's natural conditioning. And he cooperated! The fuck!!!! What a lack of street smarts! Someone should have told him that the investigation was targeting bigger fish. Like say starters who aren't retired for example.

But I am happy. Very happy. Overjoyed even. Why? Because for once there is justice in this mortal thread. They named someone who is not only guilty but deserves every scrap of punishment that will be aimed at his fat, stupid, head. Its also an implication that will force the hypocritical, closet racist, sporting fan to confront their prejudices.

I am speaking of Roger Clemens. A colossal douchebag who has received nothing but praise for years while behaving in a way that attracts condemnation for any athlete. His cowardice/sociopathy: breaking Piazza's face with a pitch because dude owned him and then begging out of facing retaliation. His ego: He once stated that he was glad his mother had held on through years of debilitating illness for once reason, "To see me win three hundred games..."..or the fact that his children are named Koby, Kasey, and Kory, as in strikeouts. His mercenary nature: skipping to any team that offered him money without ever looking back. Say what you will of Bonds, dude played for two squads. Clemens is the MLB equivalent of Bob Mcadoo yet he still gets Truck Commercial music played anytime his name gets mentioned. Even his house is stupid and fatheaded: that jawn looks like twenty five white aluminum sided McMansions literally lined up in a row. He said he designed it. What a renaissance man. And I'm not saying that he is racist but he sure looks it. Cmon' you know that he is in his giant aluminum sided airplane hangar out of public eye....You KNOW THAT SHIT. I have no proof, but that doesn't stop me from being right.

All of this wouldn't bother me one but but the guy gets break after stinking break. Every outburst of selfish bad behavior from him, every fit of ego is swept under the rug. I wondered why. I wonder no more. The average white, male, overweight, middle aged sports fan can't handle Black millionaires strutting around in jewelry, insulting reporters, or discharging firearms in exotic dance establishments. But this sort has has some kind of affinity for the overweight, middle aged, hyper-competitive Southern Cy Young award winner.

Already Clemens apologists are online and writing articles taking a "wait and see" attitude toward Clemens's HOF status. How is this any different than Bonds? Why did it take so long to come to light? If Bonds was his era's most dominant hitter and he is irreparably tainted by steroid use then why isn't the era's most statistically dominant pitcher getting the same amount of flack? Much was made of Bonds's enormous head, his change in body type, his statistics that defied aging. Ok. Was I the only one to see that Clemens had an enormous head, a fatboy body that got more defined as he got older, stats that improved in his late thirties after a period where he sucked for a few years, and of course manifested sociopathical behaviors that showed a murderous temper?


What about the time he threw a bat at Mike Piazza for committing the capital offense of making contact off him, using sinister engineering to make his bat shatter in such a way that it landed a mere two feet from where Clemens stood. Roger glowering like the Aryan Brotherhood leader in a supermax prison. I was in the stands that night. I watched that shit happen in disbelief. They didn't even eject his ass. Why? If Dave Stewart had done that shit he'd have been ghost for the duration of the series. But no. Beanball throwing, bat wielding, roid raging on nation television, fat ass head having ass muthafukkkin Roger Clemens got a pass. Just like always. Well no more. Dude is guilty as sin. Guilty as Bonds, and everyone, Yankee fans to sportswriters, to white bol apologists need to recognize.

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Saturday, December 15, 2007

talkin cats

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NORE f/ Tru-Life and Peedi Crakk - Eat Pussy

Having grown up in a generally sex positive slice of urban life, the sexual foibles of other cultures never cease to baffle me. You may recall No Doubt's "Hey Baby", a likable song with an out-of-left field verse from dancehall superstar Bounty Killer. BK even showed up in the video, in a well-conceived move for crossover appeal.

Right before he spits, No Doubt's drummer Adrian Young gets naked and pulls himself up on some gymnastics rings (if there is a term for these, I have forgotten it). Word was BK caught hell for appearing in the same video as, and on screen so close to another man's ass cheeks. Apparently this makes you gay by association. Frankly I think his Lee Press-on Bobby Digital Metal Fingernails are much more questionably sexual than dude being in the same video as the disrobed male form, but what do I know.

Anyways, there was an even more insane rumor about the video. Somebody apparently cut a dub plate dissing BK for being on the track at all, for pulling some sell out shit, and insinuating that Gwen Stefani had made Bounty Killer eat her out in exchange for the placement. What the fuck?

That story made me a little self-concious about my generally easy-going attitude about cunnlingus. It had never even occurred to me that that was something for which you could get clowned. The plot line in the first season of The Sopranos, where Junior pies the girl he was getting all cute with because word got out he was going down on her, didn't help things.

This hasn't changed my attitude but it has made me a little paranoid: when I'm famous, what other common sexual practices could be used to leverage my downfall? What else am I missing, beyond my sexual behavoir? Diet? Shower routine? Furniture choices?

Several years later, a trio of Puerto Rican rappers have returned my sanity and calmed my paranoia. Apparently it's ok to eat pussy if you're Puerto Rican, and possibly even encouraged. "Eat Pussy" is an awesome song, and not only because Peedi Crakk's on it.

(Thanks to DI1 for the tip)

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Don't get it twisted

We've got a nice backlog of material to share with you in the coming week, including an essay from Dos about how Roger Clemens fooled white male America into thinking he's "just like them" because he likes to "mow shit" and measures things in "country miles" or whatever.


You'd be not only a bad person, but also a treasonous one if you miss this:

The Juan MacLean featuring Apt One and Skinny Friedman (Philadelphyinz) at Transit Nightclub. 6th and Spring Garden Streets, Philadelphia.

Brendan Bringem is downstairs, and there's free beer 10-12.

What more could you want?

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Git em

Get your $6 advance tickets to see The Juan MacLean (DFA Records) with me and Skinny at Transit this Saturday RIGHT HERE.

And, oh, yeah Brendan Bringem+JesOne and Dirty will be holding down the basement and top levels, respectively.

Can you say "holy fuck?"

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Wack juice


Some observations:

1. The Steelers have no big play offense
2. Even if you can run ALL OVER the other team, you fuck your running game by taking penalties
3a. Blitzing everybody leaves single coverage
3b. Three step drops and dinky passes short circuit the blitz (West Coast super-teams have done that to the Steelers for years, remember)
3c. I hope nobody noticed how the Patriots neutralized the blitz in the second half
4. I'm not worried about the Steelers pass defense- if you exclude the big play to Moss and that jenky fumble/WR Throwback broken play (e.g. ignore the over-eager 2nd year safety), their failures were more a product of New England's amazing execution than self-destruction
5. The Pats are way better than the Steelers, but they are beatable

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Friday, December 07, 2007

Fog Machines and Laser Rays

Friday - Brooklyn

I (Pirate) NY at the Lucky Cat, 245 Grand Street, Williamsburg. FREE

Saturday - Philadelphia

Philadelphyinz at Medusa Lounge, 27 S. 21st Street. FREE

Apt One + Skinny Friedman + Relative Q (from the Interfaith DJ exchange service)

Latkes + Dreidels + Gelt + Candles

Disco + Electro + Club + Rap + Classics + Funk

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice

Now, this isn't a site known for it's hard hitting economic analysis. This isn't the Wall Street Journal, and we aren't I-bankers (we'd probably kill ourselves if we were). But there's one thing we can tell you- the economy is on the rebound. It's a lock.

How do we know?

Luke Entertainment Group, which brought you such products as "Can a Nigga Get a Table Dance," "Me So Horny," "Get The Fuck Out My House," "We Want Some Pussy," "Face Down, Ass Up," "Doo Doo Brown" and "Pop that Pussy" is going public on NASDAQ under the ticker name LKEN.

And no, I didn't make that up, thank you.

Tell your mutual fund manager that this is the perfect way to expand the Booty Bass percentage in your mid-cap blend portfolio.


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Tuesday, December 04, 2007

RIP Pimp C

Chad Butler: 1973-2007

Rapper Pimp C of seminal Houston rap group UGK was found dead in a hotel room in Hollywood of an apparent drug overdose. Pushermania of HoustonSoReal has spoken to sources familiar with the situation and confirmed.

My sources tell me that KBXX radio in Houston has switched over to an all UGK format right now. Listen here.

A sad day.

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Mine now

Though you may not drive a great big Cadillac

Gangsta whitewalls, TV antennas in the back
You may not have a car at all
But remember brothers and sisters, you can still stand tall
Just be thankful for what you got

All the new Rocksmith is at Pedestrian, 3rd and South.

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Monday, December 03, 2007

Bitch I got the Mondays

OK, which of the following stories is more ridiculous:

Some dude in Montana hit a shopping mall Santa in the face with a pie. That's not really that funny, but the peripherals here are awesome:
Clint Westwood, 22, said he "lightly smooshed" the pie into the man's face Wednesday and shouted, "What do you think of that, Santa?"....He said that after the pie ruckus, he expected to approach Santa for a signature on a film-release form, but police arrived first.
I should also mention that the pie was a pumpkin pie, which strikes me as a very non-standard choice.


I never would have seen that story if it weren't in the AP News feed in the sidebar of Ron Cook's official WORST COLUMN EVER WRITTEN today in the Post-Gazette. Now, I should start by saying that I like Ron. He's a nice guy, and when I worked the late shift at the Post-Gazette, I often sat at his desk because he works from home a lot and there aren't enough desks in the sports department because the staff largely works in shifts. So Ron would come in and grab things from his desk and say hello and he is a smart and pleasant guy. Good writer too, but I have to imagine he had something really pressing to do when he decided to write a column entitled...

Benching Big Ben for slow start bad idea

Wha? Yeah, Ben threw like 5 or 7 wet footballs over his receivers' heads in the first quarter last night, but benching the Super Bowl-winning franchise quarterback who is 2nd in the league in passer rating has never exactly been an option. It wasn't last night, or any time this season. Even last year when he was feeble-minded from putting his head through a Chrysler windshield, nobody considered it too seriously. The kid had just won the Super Bowl, let him take his lumps.

So, uh, where exactly did this column come from? I think Ron knew he had a column due but his car got towed or who knows what, so he decided to write the most unassailable column in the history of sports writing, one entitled "Why you don't bench a player everybody agrees is playing really well."

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