Friday, July 27, 2007

Just Sayin Pentagon Papers- Chechen Ox Police

Thanks a secret communication with a confidential informant familiar with news that everybody knows in Europe, we bring you the details of a scandal that is on par with Mike Vick's dogfighting indictment, Barry Bonds' fat ass head, the NBA referee gambling dustup or the Tour de France dopefest...

Deepest Throat: so i think as far as sports scandals have gone recently, f1 might be in the lead as far as bugged out shit
GentleWhoadie9000: really? there are some really bangin scandals right now- mike vick, barry bonds, nba ref, tour de france
DT: the f1 scandal involves some straight up spy shit
GW9K: straight bangin scandals
and fast ass cars
DT: espionage, man
nobody gives a shit about the tour de france thing
everyone outside of bike racing knew all along that everyone was using
my mom knew that they were doping
i'm pretty sure my neighbor's dog knew too
GW9K: but your neighbors dog is on roids, so he knew all the warning signs
DT: fair enough, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter
because all of four people in the entire world watch the tour de france
and they all wear ridiculous pants anyway
GW9K: that's like 60% of europe
GW9K: 4 dudes from kraftwerk, burnso and jaromir jagr
that's europe

DT: the other reason the f1 scandal is a big deal is that f1 has more money riding on it than any other sport in the world
GW9K: what's the scandal- is somebody pouring sugar in somebody's gas tank?
DT: so a few races ago, somebody at the ferrari team found some "inappropriate material" in one of their offices, but wouldn't say what it was, only said that the italian police were investigating
a while later, it turns out that the chief engineer at ferrari and the chief engineer at mclaren were collaborating on some shit
they found 708 pages of confidential technical documents at the mclaren dude's crib
GW9K: what does this mean exactly?
DT: ferrari immediately accuse mclaren of some serious cheating, stealing their shit, etc
to make matters worse, both the dudes involved had been interviewing at honda together, and ostensibly offering the same shit to them
GW9K: i see. did they slap fight?
DT: no, but it's turned into an enormous multinational legal fight
the fia got involved, had a council thing, and for some fucked up reason decided not to penalize mclaren
GW9K: sweet. the car chases in the ensuing spy thriller quasi-fictional film will be EXCELLENT. some cop flips his peugeot off a dam
DT: who the fuck would have a car chase in a peugeot? it'd fall apart before it even got onto the dam
GW9K: the police in europe drive these little shit cans with the weird sirens and the bad guys always rock italian sports cars or ill german sedans. it's never fair. the cops have really dumb hats too. that's why deniro was so clutch in ronin. nobody could hang

DT: that's what's up
GW9K: do they seriously drive those things or do they just pick up chicks?
DT: highway patrol
the german police drive porsche 911s
GW9K: chechen ox police

Deepest Throat is actually Relative Q, whose album we reviewed not too long ago. He blogs about cars, electronic music and West Virginia hootenannies at

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