Friday, July 06, 2007

heads or tails

On the way back from the homeland, I turned on Hot 97 when we hit Jerz. And fuck yeah, Funkmaster Flex was on.

Funkmaster Flex's show, for those of you not in listening range--which I would assume includes some weird corner of Siberia where, through a magnetic anomaly, children in Russian villages are learning English from Flex, and thus think every sentence ends with a bomb going off--is a weird experiment in minimalist turntable magic. I'm all for excited rewinds, but Flex plays the same song like three times straight, then lets dead air roll while he thinks about cars. During the week he has to stick to the script ("Buy U A Drank", bomb drop, "Buy U A Drank", "Bartender" four times in a row, "We Takin Over"), but at least when he plays T-Pain, he cues up the drop he got from Teddy in which a) he calls himself Teddy Bradshaw and b) talks about putting Lambourghini doors on a Scion.

Anyways, this particular Tuesday, it would appear 50 Cent's new single had begun making the payola rounds. It's common knowledge that the first two tracks from CURTIS--"Straight to the Bank" and "Amusement Park"--were, in the words of the immortal Ray Cash, a hot mess, so it's not surprising that the new jam "I Get Money" or "Dollar Sign Dollar Sign Dollar Sign" or "Gross National Product" or "Fiduciary Dividends" or whatever the fuck it's called, is getting the full-court press.

Take a second and guess, how long did Funkmaster Flex play "I Get Money" on Tuesday night?

a) 10 minutes
b) 20 minutes
c) 40 minutes
d) the fuck am I taking a poll on a blog about 50 Cent for?

If you chose c), you would be right.

The track isn't even that bad. I can't be mad at a good "Top Billin" flip and the hook uses the "I get money / money I got line". The rest of the beat is the drums from "Hustler" and some "Seductive"-esque synths. You know, capable bargain basement G-Unit production. But Flex ran it back continuously between 5:45 and 6:25 AT LEAST, because it gave my girl a migraine. Real talk.

So if you got loot and you know a Lighty, Funkmaster Flex will play your new single for damn near an hour, stopping every four or five seconds to drop a bomb and ask someone in the studio if they heard that line about Vitamin Water!!!!!! Or how disrespectful that shit is!!!!!! *bomb drop x 14*

But Funk Flex on the weekends is a different matter entirely. Dude really does whatever. I heard him play "Computer Love". I heard him play some incredibly gay hip-house. One time I turned on Funk Flex on Sunday and he was juggling "Mass Appeal". In 2007!! When was the last time someone neither Japanese nor Swedish juggled "Mass Appeal"?? Maybe I'm just mad fucking jaded, but we can tone the complaining about radio down about 2% on the strength of that paragraph. He's still on some weird spaced out shit, but instead of him pontificating on how much he loves Akon, he drops the "Who You Wit" instrumental and screams about what cars are no longer acceptable.

Anyways, Funkmaster Flex's July 4th set (which Hot 97 "was callin a weekend anyway!") was FIVE HOURS OF 90'S MUSIC. Go grab that shit.