Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Dave Parker: American Hero

It's usually impossible to address the plight of the Pittsburgh Pirates with any sort of optimism, even in a relative sense. However, today is a good day, all praises due to Lloyd Waner, Bob Prince and Chico Lind. A light is shining through a pinhole in the sky, making it impossible for Chris Duffy to field a routine fly ball.

Saturday, June 9th, 2007 will be, by all acounts, the equivalent of Live Aid for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Only through the execution of a comically disasterous performance will the Pirates inspire the sympathy and charity of a suddenly attentive nation, watching the return of Roger Clemens on national tele. All signs must point to destitution and disgrace. Faced with an inescapable metaphor for the stinking carrion that is our nation's once proud golden calf, Baseball, fans will cry out for economic equality in baseball. Perhaps they will guillotine The Boss and the Nuttings on Federal Street, but unlikely.

The Pirates' disadvantages will not stand so stark in contrast with the return of space-age cyborg Roger Clemens 7L3m v.2 without a number of deliberate moves designed to highlight the gross inequalities which have acted to debase the once proud Pirates franchise like a widowed aristocrat turned saloon whore. Here are my suggestions:

-Pre-game, the Pirates' franchise player, Jason Bay, announces a demand to be traded because of the team's inability to purchase enough baseballs to hold practice.

-This announcement comes on the heels of David Littlefield's release of a prepared statement that he would be happy to accomodate any wishes Barry Bonds might have to "come home and retire a Pirate."

-Jim Tracy takes the field in a soiled uniform and conducts post-game interviews smelling of human waste.

-A secret explosives team conducts a controlled demolition of the right field bleachers during the 6th inning.

-The Bucs strike out out 20 or more times while surrendering 20 or more walks as a team.

-Jim Tracy attempts to apprentice Ronny Paulino to Jorge Posada. The request is denied when it is revealed that Paulino has ricketts.

-Post-game, the players make many allusions to "next year" along with appeals for help to a number of workers for NGOs conspicuously distributing grain in the locker room.

-The Pirates bring Salomon Torres in to pitch at some point.

Oh, wait, what's that? The Yankees aren't actually any better than the Pirates this year? Fuck.

Pirates Magic Number/Elimination Number: 111