Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Will blog for rain

Is "making it rain" possibly the best fad ever? Not for me, or for Pacman Jones, but for strippers? Making it rain, the act of tossing an extreme number of bills at strippers, seems to be mostly about:

A. Making yourself appear so wealthy that you can be wasteful and not care.

B. Creating moments wherein you can appreciate your superior social position relative to strippers, who scramble to pick up money you casually threw away.

C. Imitating videos where the rain makers actually get to pick up the money after the camera stops. It's probably not theirs anyway.

This seems like an awfully stupid thing to do. I can think of a lot of self-aggrandizing activities that are entirely free, or at least you buy something that you get to keep, like a big dookie chain or a jungle cat. But hey, who am I to tell people that they can't let strippers- who have a pretty damn low social status- get paid for the customer's hubris.

Let's put aside dangerous, criminal rainmakers like Pacman Jones (who make it rain and then try to take the loot back) and just focus on your average, needlessly ostentatious rainmaker. So let's say you're Dontrelle Willis, and you feel compelled (along with Dan Uggla. Dan Uggla?) to make it precipitate ever so slightly in a gentleman's establishment. Hey, we all know how much money you make, but if you feel compelled to make a spectacle along with Dan Uggla, would it be better to make it rain with other stuff that the strippers will ultimately buy with that money? Let's examine:

-Making it rain cans of baby formula. This is very dangerous. Do not make it rain canned goods.

-Making it rain cocaine. This is a surefire way to lose some coke. Do not make it rain drugs.

-Making it rain community college night courses. This is functionally impossible. Do not make it rain books either.

So I suppose it's much better to make it rain money than to make it rain other stuff. With money, you can get your tubes tied or you can pay for school or buy shit for your kids. In fact, it's much better to make it rain money than making it rain school, because as we established earlier, you cannot actually make it rain classes. Also, Dontrelle Willis gets paid in money, so this is a lot easier for him to accomodate than say, a mix of various groceries.

OK, great. So guys are throwing money at women who feel compelled to sell their bodies because these dudes ironically think that these women are so dirty that they deserve a whole lot of money. Furthermore, they have conveniently decided to use currency, which is more liquid than canned goods. I need to figure out how I can get some rich dude with a fragile ego to come to my job and throw huge amounts of cash around. I'm not a woman, so I guess I'm at somewhat of a disadvantage (no John Amaechi) but I can imitate all different kinds of accents and I also like to blog. Hmmm.

Calling all professional athletes- apparently as many as a hundred people read this blog every day! I will specially coordinate a liveblog (with photos) of you throwing a whole bunch of money all over the floor. Everybody will see how rich you are, and then I will pick said money up and then you need to leave. If I blog, will you make it rain?

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