Monday, April 23, 2007

The weatherman says open your playbooks



WARNING: MAGNUM OPUS AHEAD

I just picked up a juicy tidbit up from the chief administrator of the Gasface Club (and sworn but uwitting adversary of JS200), Mondesi. See that flyer? That's a fat hanging curveball. Poppin Bottles with Models? Steelers' safety Mike Logan? DJ Phinesse? Let's not mention the roots of the phrases "making it rain" and "bottles with models"- clues on a trail that leads to the zeitgeist of ignorance and absurdity himself, one R. Kelly. But all the bol's got is a Pacman Jones crack and a Mario Williams video- more salient as coincidence than as genuine science. Let's hear it:

[BUZZER SOUND!]

I guess some of us just aren't cut out for the ulcer-inducing profession Sports and Rap Market Analyst. Get learned.

Skinny and I have made a formal attempt to renounce unprovoked spot-blowing, but I'm not above taking that wild swing that always comes after your boy has you collared outside the bar, blood stains on your Wallabees. So instead of taking playfully cryptic swipes, it's time for the ether. But we come not to conquer like FreeDarko or Straight Bangin', we've come merely to instruct... for the seeds. Watch how it's done:



There are several easy points one could make pertaining merely to the physical appearance of the flyer and the info contained therein:

1. Bad photoshop game

Can you see what the fuck is in the background? No. See the P on your boy's hat? Why is the photo backwards? This is also a good place for a commentary about photoshop's intended use- making models look better than they do in real life.

2. Why exactly did they choose a guy who has averaged less than 10 tackles a year to be the special guest? Was Jeff Reed's dick unavailable?

3. DJ Phinesse

Any of the following observations about DJ Phinesse would be appropriate. Phinesse is:
A) A blogger
B) The B'more Club pointman of the 412 with 5 mixes out at last count.
C) A DJ on the CMU radio station and he's at the Poppin Bottles jawn- crossover appeal!

This is where it helps to not listen to Nickelback.

4. Dude's hand is in the back of her pants. C'mon. That's an easy one.

5. Another sports-related point: Steelers center Chukky Okobi is a rapper (and he's good!), why isn't Chukwun perfoming? Make an oberservation about the absurdity of a three hundred pound man rapping over golden era beats with Sied from Strict Flow at a stripper party.



Once you've touched briefly on those superficial points, it's time to take it to the second level- "Make it Rain" and "Poppin' Bottles With Models." This is the part that requires a slightly elevated game- you've gotta pop in some of the old classics and shake that mono-chromatic consciousness. Watch:

1. Remark as to the origins of said phrases.

Although "models" has rhymed with "bottles" since the early 50s and such a rhyme has been utilized by luminaries such as Biggie, the correct reference is Fat Joe's Make It Rain Remix featuring R. Kelly, Lil' Wayne, Birdman, T.I. and Rick Ross, produced by our favorite rediculoid whoadie Scott Storch. This would probably be a good thing to know. Now you can make the salient observation that The Steelers have more Super Bowl rings as the home cities of all those rappers combined. Such a statement would impress upon your readers that you are worldly and deep-thinking.

2. Analyze the origins:

Listen to the track and watch the video. The video contains numerous references by which you can associate such personnages as Mike Logan, Pacman Jones, or fuck, even Dontrelle Willis to great juxtapositional effect. For example, you could say that "Pacman Jones is lucky that when he made it rain, nobody shot the fiddle player," or "Mike Logan's nickel pass defense has more holes than R. Kelly could handle." You know, that kind of thing.

3. Post a cryptic picture



4. Synthesize some second-order thinking and jokes:

The specific line comes from R. Kelly's verse, which is, in and of itself, enough to make you have to sit down for about ten minutes in order to breathe regularly. The operative lines are as follows: "You see I order one bottle, then I fuck with one model/ Then I order more bottles, now I got more models." Fortunately, a cursory awareness of the internet and its contents would lead one to realize that a thorough analysis of said couplet has already been undertaken on The Hollerboard. Thus, the relationship between bottles and models has been established as follows, according to Young Max:
One bottle = one model
n + 1 bottles = F(n) + 1 models.
Going with the assumption above that models increase as the square of bottles:
F(n) models = n^2 bottles^2 * Kelly
Where Kelly is a constant pimp game correction factor, with units of models per squared bottles. Let R Kelly's pimp game = 1, so we can ignore this correction factor for now.
n = 0, we have one bottle and one model.
n = 1, we have two bottles and two models.
n = 2, we have three bottles and four models.
n = 3, we have four bottles and nine models.
n = 4, we have five bottles and 16 models.

Assuming an average bottle service price of $400 per bottle, we've spent $1,600 to get 16 models. What if we mortgage our house to buy bottles? The median home sale price in the USA in 2004 was $185k, which gives us enough scratch for 462 bottles.
n = 462, we have 463 bottles and 213,444 models.

The population of orlando, florida is 199,336 people.
Now we can make mathematically appropriate jokes about Mike Logan's poor performance and the NFL's policy that players can be cut without notice or buyout. As such, you could say something to the effect of "Mike Logan better pop bottles with models while he can, because if they draft a safety, his ass may not make it though spring camp." We could also speculate as to whether Mike Logan has the physical stamina to fuck an entire metropolis.

5. Say something about R. Kelly whenever the opportunity presents itself.

DO:
Post a picture of the R. Kelly mannequin
Post a picture of R. Kelly wearing a Zorro mask
Say "[Name] you remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride/wax it"
Make a subtle pedophila or pee pee joke

DON'T:
Make a Dave Chappelle reference (you know you were going to)

Lastly, make sure you end with a flippant sendoff, like so:

THAT'S...HOW...IT'S...DONE



(Thanks for bearing with me)

[Mondesi's House: Poppin bottles with Models and Logans]
[Fat Joe f. R. Kelly, Lil' Wayne, Birdman, T.I. and Rick Ross- Make it Rain RMX]
[Make It Rain Video]

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