it's not our fault you're not ready
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Fog Machines and Laser Rays
Christian Tebordo: dada street life, rockin furs, winning knife fights
Tonight, alias homeboy Christian Tebordo reads from novels he wrote. What the fuck have you ever done that compares to writing a fucking novel? Nothing. Give the man dap. Fellow scribes
Phil LaMarche and Betsy Herbert will be along to remind you why they are professional writers and can punctuate and spell much better than bloggers.
7 pm @ The Dive Bar, 947 E. Passyunk Ave. (corner of 7th and Carpenter).
Boris Yeltsin, the superhero of Miami Bass and one of the greatest bakers never to win Olympic gold will be remembered in song by DJ Apt One and Skinny Friedman at a touching Philadelphyinz. R.I.P. Boris.
Upstairs at the Khyber, 56 S. 2nd St. No Cover. $1PBR and Miller 9-11.
Just Sayin Pentagon Papers- Hawking in Space
GentleWhoadie9000: HE DID THIS FOR YOU: (Stephen Hawking goes on zero-gravity flight)
Skinny: yo the press conference for this was bananas
dude gave a speech in the robot voice
Skinny: then they interviewed the guy running the parabolic drop program
GW9K: did he sing elton john's "rocket man"?
Skinny: he goes "usually our astronauts start feeling sick after 8 or 9 drops, but we're gonna see if mr. hawking wants to do more."
GW9K: HAWKING WEARS WALLABEES
GW9K: watch the video, he's kickin it in a flight suit talking about how we need to figure out how to live in space because of the ever increasing dangers of life on earth....certified wally don
they pan down to his kicks
Skinny: them joints dyed baby blue and cream?
GW9K: yo, inspectah deck left him mentally scarred, and they compensated him with two tones in order to keep him from suing
my head is going to burst
Skinny: just put him in a caddy
Thursday, April 26, 2007
One is in the mouth, the other does the 0101001
Shell games, son. Shell games.
New Phawker piece up. Read it here. It's the continuation of my musings earlier this week about Cam'ron and the whole "Post-Imus" hip hop worldview. Careful, it's full of all sorts of sticky icky sociological ramblings.
I'm gonna get back to watching this PBS special about chemical warfare.
[Phawker: Pop In Tape- Stop Snitchin' is a Slogan, Not a Solution]
P.S. Congratulations to Pittsburgh for getting back on the horse and being named the #1 Most Livable City in America again after twenty-odd years. Here is your arbitrary engraved plaque and giant check. So I guess it's another twenty years of telling everybody about the time twenty years ago when Pittsburgh was the most livable city in the country. Maybe when I'm forty, some of the criteria Pittsburgh scored well in will be appealing enough to make me move back. Until then- here's to nightlife!
The new shit in Burnso's life
First off: Would you buy this?
Second off: Burnso moved! I got a new crib! It's bigger, cheaper and quieter than the last spot. Plus, it's on Beechwood north of Forbes if y'alls Pittburgh heads know what that means. So far only, James, Ben Feldman and Kitty Zyla have seen it. More people to view it soon, we promise. My vinyl collection currently resides in the solarium. There's a solarium.
Third off: As GW9k pointed out, the draft is coming up. Very soon. Our main concern will be depth at the D-Line and/or depth at linebacker. Might it be that whatever is drafted will reflect on the makeup of our defensive scheme next season?
"...Tomlin plans to match his defenses to the skills of the players he has -- and he is not yet ready to say which defense that will be."Either way, it's going to be either a DE, DT or a LB. Essentially, we have a chance at getting a decent one in the first round because the folks in the first round before us need other things.
-ESPN at some point
Oakland - QB
Detroit - They need offense stuff.
Cleveland - They need a gun in their mouth and also offense stuff. Do they have a center? They need defense, too, but not before offense.
Tampa Bay - QB
Arizona - O-line
Washington - Okay, they need some line shit.
Minnesota - QB
Atlanta - Receiver, maybe? They just got Joe Horn, right? They might get a DB? Michael Vick is DB.
Miami - They have Jason Taylor and a linebacker they picked up off the waiver wire... Houston - Houston need some D, too. They'll probably get some secondary because they are all 'bout drafting to fuck with Peyton Manning.
San Francisco - Needs D.
Buffalo - Needs a running back, now. Also D.
St. Louis - Do they want an RB or a DE?
Carolina - Yeah, they'll probably draft some D.
So Pittsburgh can get their tackle or linebacker without too many good ones being picked up first. What are they gonna grab. We have no depth at ROLB, just James Harrison. Aaron Smith has no backup, but I suppose they can shuffle Kirshke around. We have 2 nose-tackles, tho. Hampton is the knowledge wisdom cipher and so maybe another tackle and have Hoke back up Smith? That would mean 4-3. If we get an ill young buck linebacker and have him vie for Harrison's spot it means we keep the 3-4. Either way, pickins will be ok for us, I think...
Dave Parker: American Hero
This was originally slated to be some sort of Steelers draft preview, but I was pretty overwhelmed by the pessimism inherant in April football coverage. I usually don't give up on the Pirates until they are mathematically eliminated sometime around Memorial Day, so I figured I'd give them a few words while they are still kicking.
When he wasn't choking on chocolate covered almonds during last night's broadcast, Bob Walk said something so obvious and profound that I felt stupid I hadn't thought of it first. He said that all the Pirates have to do to be any good is take care of their young pitching staff and make sure they are confident. Ever since I shivered through a complete game Walk victory in the 1992 NLCS, I've pretty much believe anything the man says. I even sold my house so I could give the money to the Church of Walk.
So here's what I propose: everybody send a prostitute and/or a comparable cash amount to a member of the Pirates starting pitching staff. Also, in-kind gifts of yoga classes or self-esteem building cassette tape sets are acceptable.
Oh wait, they can't hit and Solomon Torres is a leaky roof of a closer. WHOOPS.
Maybe Walk isn't so wrong, but the Bucs never win by dominating (or at least excelling) in every phase of the game. That would be the sign of a good team. Right now the pitching is pretty decent, but I can't help but get pessimistic in a Fire Joe Morgan stylee. You can lose with good players, but you can't win without them. So who's good, or should I say, better than the league average? Seriously.
1B: Laroche- good (but not playing like it)
2B: Sanchez- maybe, but only if 06 wasn't a fluke
SS: Wilson- no
3B: Bautista- no
LF: Bay- good
SP: They'll be better than the league average someday, but not all at once, and not all in Pittsburgh
RP: Decent, ok, Good.
Closer: Probably not
Well, there you have it. NOT GOOD AT BASEBALL.
Pirates Magic Number: 146
Labels: Dave Parker: American Hero
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
It's hard out here for a euro
Signatune- DJ Mehdi (T. Banghalter edit)
I don't much fucks with Ed Banger, but I love this video because it's Eurotrash meets Rudy meets banlieu Norman Rockwell. Oh, and the track is pretty epic too. Kind of makes me regret the time when I was so broke that I had to sell my four-on-the-floor French house records to get new headphones and crisp needles. I miss that Rhythmes Digitales LP every day.
Oh, and when did they start making videos for edits??
Monday, April 23, 2007
The weatherman says open your playbooks
WARNING: MAGNUM OPUS AHEAD
I just picked up a juicy tidbit up from the chief administrator of the Gasface Club (and sworn but uwitting adversary of JS200), Mondesi. See that flyer? That's a fat hanging curveball. Poppin Bottles with Models? Steelers' safety Mike Logan? DJ Phinesse? Let's not mention the roots of the phrases "making it rain" and "bottles with models"- clues on a trail that leads to the zeitgeist of ignorance and absurdity himself, one R. Kelly. But all the bol's got is a Pacman Jones crack and a Mario Williams video- more salient as coincidence than as genuine science. Let's hear it:
I guess some of us just aren't cut out for the ulcer-inducing profession Sports and Rap Market Analyst. Get learned.
Skinny and I have made a formal attempt to renounce unprovoked spot-blowing, but I'm not above taking that wild swing that always comes after your boy has you collared outside the bar, blood stains on your Wallabees. So instead of taking playfully cryptic swipes, it's time for the ether. But we come not to conquer like FreeDarko or Straight Bangin', we've come merely to instruct... for the seeds. Watch how it's done:
There are several easy points one could make pertaining merely to the physical appearance of the flyer and the info contained therein:
1. Bad photoshop game
Can you see what the fuck is in the background? No. See the P on your boy's hat? Why is the photo backwards? This is also a good place for a commentary about photoshop's intended use- making models look better than they do in real life.
2. Why exactly did they choose a guy who has averaged less than 10 tackles a year to be the special guest? Was Jeff Reed's dick unavailable?
3. DJ Phinesse
Any of the following observations about DJ Phinesse would be appropriate. Phinesse is:
A) A blogger
B) The B'more Club pointman of the 412 with 5 mixes out at last count.
C) A DJ on the CMU radio station and he's at the Poppin Bottles jawn- crossover appeal!
This is where it helps to not listen to Nickelback.
4. Dude's hand is in the back of her pants. C'mon. That's an easy one.
5. Another sports-related point: Steelers center Chukky Okobi is a rapper (and he's good!), why isn't Chukwun perfoming? Make an oberservation about the absurdity of a three hundred pound man rapping over golden era beats with Sied from Strict Flow at a stripper party.
Once you've touched briefly on those superficial points, it's time to take it to the second level- "Make it Rain" and "Poppin' Bottles With Models." This is the part that requires a slightly elevated game- you've gotta pop in some of the old classics and shake that mono-chromatic consciousness. Watch:
1. Remark as to the origins of said phrases.
Although "models" has rhymed with "bottles" since the early 50s and such a rhyme has been utilized by luminaries such as Biggie, the correct reference is Fat Joe's Make It Rain Remix featuring R. Kelly, Lil' Wayne, Birdman, T.I. and Rick Ross, produced by our favorite rediculoid whoadie Scott Storch. This would probably be a good thing to know. Now you can make the salient observation that The Steelers have more Super Bowl rings as the home cities of all those rappers combined. Such a statement would impress upon your readers that you are worldly and deep-thinking.
2. Analyze the origins:
Listen to the track and watch the video. The video contains numerous references by which you can associate such personnages as Mike Logan, Pacman Jones, or fuck, even Dontrelle Willis to great juxtapositional effect. For example, you could say that "Pacman Jones is lucky that when he made it rain, nobody shot the fiddle player," or "Mike Logan's nickel pass defense has more holes than R. Kelly could handle." You know, that kind of thing.
3. Post a cryptic picture
4. Synthesize some second-order thinking and jokes:
The specific line comes from R. Kelly's verse, which is, in and of itself, enough to make you have to sit down for about ten minutes in order to breathe regularly. The operative lines are as follows: "You see I order one bottle, then I fuck with one model/ Then I order more bottles, now I got more models." Fortunately, a cursory awareness of the internet and its contents would lead one to realize that a thorough analysis of said couplet has already been undertaken on The Hollerboard. Thus, the relationship between bottles and models has been established as follows, according to Young Max:
One bottle = one modelNow we can make mathematically appropriate jokes about Mike Logan's poor performance and the NFL's policy that players can be cut without notice or buyout. As such, you could say something to the effect of "Mike Logan better pop bottles with models while he can, because if they draft a safety, his ass may not make it though spring camp." We could also speculate as to whether Mike Logan has the physical stamina to fuck an entire metropolis.
n + 1 bottles = F(n) + 1 models.
Going with the assumption above that models increase as the square of bottles:
F(n) models = n^2 bottles^2 * Kelly
Where Kelly is a constant pimp game correction factor, with units of models per squared bottles. Let R Kelly's pimp game = 1, so we can ignore this correction factor for now.
n = 0, we have one bottle and one model.
n = 1, we have two bottles and two models.
n = 2, we have three bottles and four models.
n = 3, we have four bottles and nine models.
n = 4, we have five bottles and 16 models.
Assuming an average bottle service price of $400 per bottle, we've spent $1,600 to get 16 models. What if we mortgage our house to buy bottles? The median home sale price in the USA in 2004 was $185k, which gives us enough scratch for 462 bottles.
n = 462, we have 463 bottles and 213,444 models.
The population of orlando, florida is 199,336 people.
5. Say something about R. Kelly whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Post a picture of the R. Kelly mannequin
Post a picture of R. Kelly wearing a Zorro mask
Say "[Name] you remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride/wax it"
Make a subtle pedophila or pee pee joke
Make a Dave Chappelle reference (you know you were going to)
Lastly, make sure you end with a flippant sendoff, like so:
(Thanks for bearing with me)
[Mondesi's House: Poppin bottles with Models and Logans]
[Fat Joe f. R. Kelly, Lil' Wayne, Birdman, T.I. and Rick Ross- Make it Rain RMX]
[Make It Rain Video]
To sayin or not to sayin
Stop Snitchin' on 60 Minutes:
[JustSayin2000: John Wayne Gacy uptown Patrick Swayze]
Video from OnSmash.
Edit: Apparently Cam hasn't always been so afraid to talk to the cops. From Bossip:
Well, when people talk tough in the media, there is always someone digging up some sh*t. The Smoking Gun has obtained documents where Camron did "snitch" on a crew of 15 dudes who beat him down back in 1999. Click here to read what Camron told the cops.Oops.
It sounds like the NYPD heard about Camron talking about snitching and leaked the documents.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
PSK, I know what it means
Happy springtime Philadelphia, here's some music for a Saturday.
WNYU Rap This! 4/1987 featuring Schooly D and DJ Code Money
Starts off with the ever affable Buff and moves into an absolutely fire MC Shan Down By Law remix.
(from Konstant Kontakt)
Friday, April 20, 2007
I had no fucking clue at all that it was 4/20 today. I haven't smoked pot in so long that this day has lost all relevance to me. I used to relish this day when I was in high school. I used to be really 'bout smoking pot. I loved the munchies. I remember we all were and it was the best thing in the world to cut after the "lunch" we had at 11am and spend the rest of the day in the park with a joint. I remember we built a gravity on Skinny's back porch one summer and Ryin said James looked like a Method Man album cover. Once, GW9K and I smoked a bowl in the Egyptian section of the Carnegie Museum on a field trip. Now, no more 4/20's for me. Probably ever again. The last time I smoked it was no hell good. Funny how shit change. There's all kinds of people out there. It's nuts.
Fog Machines and Laser Rays
Juelz & Papoose @ the TLA in Philly. It's a decent chunk of change and it's bound to be Phoned The Fuck In but hey, "bottles" still rhymes with "models." It's merely the interlude between my earlier Cam rant (see: Anderson Cooper running trains) and Cam on 60 Minutes.
-Homeboy Christian Tebordo reads from The Conviction and Subsequent Life of Savior Neck (Spuyten Duyvil Press) in New Yiddie (I can say that) at the KGB bar, 85 East 4th, at 7PM.
-Tech Support at the Bubble House in Philly featuring residents Kenny Raw, Propergander and special guest JJC (WestWax). 34th and Sansom.
John Wayne Gacy uptown Patrick Swayze
Forming like Voltron (or was it Christ and the disciples?) sure takes a toll on a writing staff. All that rap introspection demands post-list soul searching- existential crises played out to the sounds of Mecca and the Soul Brother. It's so bad that Burnso is covered in Port stains, on the floor spitting out "I used to read Word Up Magazine. I did. Me." in a half-moan.
I kid. We're just lazy. Passion Bangin and partners are busy calculating the logical pramaters of Tractatus Rap AKA the Straight Bangin' Challenge- results will be in shortly, and then we can all wonder who it was that picked Binary Star's Masters of the Universe as the 4th best all-time rap album and destroyed the musicological equilibrium of western culture. OK, that's a bit of an overstatement, and this is a conflict since resolved, but... sayin.
Last night, some of us were given the treatment by homegirl Sarah to see Cali-whoadie Mike Relm down at the Wachovia. We discussed with Mike the relative merits of the term MultiJock (ew) and AVJay (my idea- better). Then it was over to Key West for Menergy zeitgeist Jeffery Sfire of Ghostly International. Mike (R., not T.) pretty much flipped his lid when he saw the booth with the full-on rotary and bangin light controls.
For those who aren't familiar, Mike's steez is this- cut wax something rediculous while running a Pioneer digital turntable video sync-ed with audio. Your boy then flares and crabs on some movies, tv etc., It's pretty hot- a one man show that's a step up from many of the two man (or woman, no 'scriminating) DJ/video teams. Catch Mike at Coachella and points beyond,.
It's no secret that my adopted hometown plays host to some straight spectacular wild west shit. The new twist of the spiral has even fewer role models and even fewer reference points for normality than the last. It's pretty much New Jack in Southwest, North (Peedi!), Badlands, Point Breeze (Beanie!) and beyond. Bill Cosby has completely given up. This is what's left. Witnesseth:
My first thought* was that they should have found somebody more articulate than Cam to talk about snitchin' but actually, this seems like a good idea. I guess the logic was "let's find the guy who lacks the tact to be anything but transparent." It's pretty telling when you back somebody into saying they wouldn't rat out a serial killer (timely!). This is going to air on 60 minutes on Sunday (video from OnSmash). I wonder if they banter about their mutual love for Versace.
I told the shorty stop snitchin
She said I'm not snitchin
I told her get up in the kitchen
Killa Cam domestic vicious
The video almost obviates the need for any sort of editorialization, but of course I will oblige. I think it's going to be pretty interesting to see if this draws any sort of public reaction. In the immediate aftermath of Imus, Virginia Tech and the Hot 97 self-disciplining, Dipset's control of New York airwaves is under serious threat. Although it's unfortunate that mass murder and hysteria doesn't even merit any media association with hood ish, the implications of the Stop Snitchin credo have a weighty parallel. Furthermore, tolerance for flippantly ignorant (ignorant type II) behavior has decreased substantially in recent months.
I guess Anderson did his advance research and read Cam's rhyme book. In business that's called "due diligence" which of course rhymes with "due diligence."
*-My real first thought upon seeing that video had to do with Cam's sweater being some sort of optical illusion and then imagining Cam and Anderson hitting the town tryin to run the most illogical train ever.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Straight Bangin' challenge - Burnso... Wins
Yesterday, citizen Joey Straight Bangin' put out a call to prayer, distilled in the following excerpt:
I'd like to see if we can't create an internets top-25 rap albums list. I would use a simple weighted scoring system to rank the records. Albums placed at #1 would receive 25 points; those at #25 would get 1 point. I'd take the mean average of each nominated record and divide it by total votes received. The records that received the 25 highest vote totals would get slotted onto the list in order of average points, from most to fewest.Seeing as it's my turn, I'll go. I hark on a couple of points made by my compatriots.
Firstly, Skinny's reference to the paramount rule of NOT justifying choices was like a "thank fucking god" to me because it takes out a basic insurance policy against anyone saying "...because it was that hot shit and mad dope..." and because any hip-hopper worth their salt ought to know the bulk of those 25 albums and place their own rationale on to them.
GentleWhoadie brings up a point of singles being (somewhat) unfairly clipped. There's def. some old school singles that aren't gonna get run because of the disco mentality that still gripped hiphop. Rapper's Delight the album isn't a fantastic album. Cool Herc never even dropped an album. Therefore this compendium loses tread as a "what made hiphop" analysis. Hiphop rose out of disco and late funk (both single-driven genres by that point: nobody posts a top 25 disco album list) and house/block parties fueled by sound systems of Jamaican ancestry (dub was THE single based genre). Given the single's seminal role and that this is an album list, I think that whatever my list is going to be, it's probably going to focus on records that exemplify, rather than helped to define rap. Illmatic comes higher than Criminal Minded on mosts people's lists, I bet you. However, I'd like to mention one single that changed the game before I commence with my list because it deserves its shoutout.
NOW ON WITH THE LIST!
1. Wu Tang Clan - Enter the Wu Tang: 36 Chambers
2. Nas - Illmatic
3. Organized Konfusion - Stress: The Extinction Agenda
4. Company Flow - Funcrusher Plus
5. Black Moon - Enta Da Stage
6. Notorious B.I.G. - Ready To Die
7. A Tribe Called Qwest - Midnight Marauders
9. Common - Resurrection
10. Black Sheep - Wolf in Sheeps Clothing
11. Smiff-n-Wessun - Da Shinin
12. GZA - Liquid Swordz
13. Snoop Dogg - Doggystyle
14. De La Soul - Buhloone Mind State
15. Public Enemy - It Takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back
16. RUN DMC - S/T
17. Mos Def and Talib Kweli are Blackstar
18. Big Daddy Kane - Long Live the Kane
19. Aesop Rock - Float
20. Artifacts - A Rock and a Hard Place
21. Das EFX - Dead Serious
22. Cypress Hill - S/T
23. Ras Kass - Soul on Ice
24. Pete Rock - Petestrumentals
25. Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
Obligatory Honorable Mentions: There are so many records with one or two songs, where I skip a few of them but love the singles. I'd rank Jeru the Damaja - Sun Rises in the East, Redman - Muddy Waters, Onyx - Bacdafucup, The Pete and C.L. albums etc... There's records where the collective of them outstrips any one album, such as KRS One's output, sundry Madlib productions, the D.I.T.C. stuff, NYC indieground circa Fondle 'Em, etc... Lastly, fun spinnable extended play stuff, like Mantronix - The Album and Just Ice - Cold Gettin' Dumb.
Sweet! My list is done! I disagree already!
GW9K's list can be found here. Skinny's list can be found here.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Straight Bangin' challenge- Whoadie Edition
I actually still listen to Long Live the Kane. I'm that guy.
Earlier today, citizen Joey Straight Bangin' put out a call to prayer, distilled in the following excerpt:
I'd like to see if we can't create an internets top-25 rap albums list. I would use a simple weighted scoring system to rank the records. Albums placed at #1 would receive 25 points; those at #25 would get 1 point. I'd take the mean average of each nominated record and divide it by total votes received. The records that received the 25 highest vote totals would get slotted onto the list in order of average points, from most to fewest.OK. Despite the fact that these lists are going to be so colored with regional bias and the blinders of age, we're gonna take a crack at this- idiosyncrasies and blind spots be damned.
First, here is my pathetic attempt to justify this arbitrary list:
My list pretty much pegs me as an East Coast rap fan whose musical consciousness (rap-wise) formed in the mid-1990s. Many of the albums on this list simply had a stay atop my personal charts (headphones/car). There are some tips of the hat to the old-school here as well as some nods to albums I love just because I'm a DJ and I love to spin them before 11 o'clock, when nobody minds if you are strictly playing old rap.
It's a shame that singles don't count for anything here, because there have been tons of game-changing singles which ended up on forgettable albums or never even made it to album. I have also included instrumental albums that were universally determined to be "hip-hop" although they contain little or no rapping. This is sure to be a point of dispute. There's nothing particularly risky about the contents of the list, but the order is surely disputable. As you can tell, there were a lot of great albums I had to cut out, these near-misses are all at the bottom. Enjoy.
1. Nas- Illmatic
2. Notorious B.I.G.- Ready to Die
3. Wu Tang Clan- 36 Chambers
4. Dr. Dre- The Chronic
5. NWA- Straight Outta Compton
6. DJ Shadow- Endtroducing
7. Black Star- Black Star
8. Cannibal Ox- The Cold Vein
9. The Roots- Do You Want More?
10. Boogie Down Productions- Criminal Minded
11. Ghostface Killah- Supreme Clientele
12. A Tribe Called Quest- The Low End Theory
13. Outkast- Stankonia
14. Eric B. and Rakim- Paid in Full
15. Ghostface Killah- Fishscale
16. Big Daddy Kane- Long Live the Kane
17. Company Flow- Funcrusher Plus
18. Pharoahe Monch- Internal Affairs
19. Common- Resurrection
20. J-Live- The Best Part
21. Fugees- The Score
22. Gangstarr- Moment of Truth
23. Black Moon- Enta Da Stage
24. Slick Rick- The Great Adventures of Slick Rick
25. Schooly D- Schooly D
The next 25(ish) in approximate order: GZA- Liquid Swords, The Juggaknots- Clear Blue Skies, Mos Def- Black on Both Sides, Black Sheep- The Choice is Yours, Snoop- Doggystyle, Jay-Z- The Blueprint, Raekwon- Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Das EFX- Dead Serious, The Roots- Things Fall Apart, Main Source- Breaking Atoms, Wild Style Soundtrack, Organized Konfusion- Organized Konfusion, Aesop Rock- Labor Days, Masta Ace- SlaughtaHouse, EPMD- Strictly Business, Canibus- Can-I-Bus, Redman- Whut? Thee Album, OutKast- ATLiens, De La Soul- 3 Feet High and Rising, Blackalicious- A2G, El-P- Fantastic Damage, ATCQ- Midnight Marauders, Three 6 Mafia- Da Unbreakables, Whodini- Escape, The Pharcyde- Labcabincalifornia, Busta Rhymes- When Disaster Strikes, Dr. Octagon- Dr. Octagonecologyst, RJD2- Deadringer, Ultramagnetic MCs- Critical Beatdown, Devin the Dude- Just Tryin Ta Live, Salt n Pepa- A Salt With a Deadly Pepa
I was arguing with a friend in a bar on Thursday- 4th Chamber came on the jukebox (I know!) and he said Liquid Swords was the best rap album of all time. I disagreed and said it might not even be in my Top 25. As you can see, Christian, it's number 26.
Skinny's list can be found here. Burnso's list can be found here.
straight bangin' challenge aka noixe shows his cards like whoa
Def Jux 3, Juice Crew 0.
Earlier today, citizen Joey Straight Bangin' put out a call to prayer, distilled in the following excerpt:
I'd like to see if we can't create an internets top-25 rap albums list. I would use a simple weighted scoring system to rank the records. Albums placed at #1 would receive 25 points; those at #25 would get 1 point. I'd take the mean average of each nominated record and divide it by total votes received. The records that received the 25 highest vote totals would get slotted onto the list in order of average points, from most to fewest.As a veteran of the internet, where such lists are as common as empty threats, you really can't win unless you do them fast and you entirely throw out outside pressures. So instead of a list of THE GREATEST RAP ALBUMS, I made a list of rap albums that stayed in the whip/walkman/discman/ipod for a long-ass time. I'm gonna get heat for the total lack of Public Enemy, Juice Crew, Dr. Dre and Jay-Z. Fuck it. I was a disciple of the Rawkus era, which is to say I never had a choice about Nation of Millions or Criminal Minded. Every rap show I went to started three hours late, which meant three hours of golden age hip-hop by whatever poor DJ had to deal with Rap Time that night. I know "Top Billing" by heart and yet I don't think I've ever put it on by choice.
My own personal Guantanemo.
Rap--actually music in general--is sometimes a depressingly academic pursuit,
Here comes the red meat.
Sometimes the sheer volume of music (rap and otherwise) makes me question my own tastes; can I actually even tell what's good anymore? Am I too influenced by what the interweb is saying? What does Fresh see in Marco Polo that I don't? Who actually listened to Doctor's Advocate more than three times? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, nahmean? Looking over this list and feeling confident that I could drop about 500 words to defend any one of these choices is very affirming.
Anyways we were explicitly directed to not justify our choices, but feel free to beef with me in the comment section.
1) J-Live - The Best Part
2) Cannibal Ox - The Cold Vein
3) Nas - Illmatic
4) Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die
5) MF Doom - Operation: Doomsday
6) Devin the Dude - Just Tryna Live
7) Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders
8) T.I. - Trap Muzik
9) Kanye West - The College Dropout
10) RJD2 - Deadringer
11) E-40 - In A Major Way
12) Ice Cube - Amerikkka's Most Wanted
13) Aesop Rock - Apple Seed EP
14) Scarface - The Diary
15) UGK - Ridin Dirty
16) Three 6 Mafia - Da Unbreakables (Chopped and Screwed)
17) Ghostface - Fishscale
18) MF Doom - Viktor Vaughn Vaudeville Villian
19) Juggaknots - Clear Blue Skies
20) V/A - Soundbombing II
21) De La Soul - Stakes Is High
22) Outkast - Stankonia
23) The Roots - Do You Want More!??!!!??!?
24) Dr. Octagon - Dr. Octagynacologist
25) Mitchy Slick - Urban Survival Syndrome
GZA - Liquid Swords, Ghostface - Supreme Clientelle, Gangstarr - Daily Operation, Gangstarr - Moment of Truth, Showbiz and AG - Runaway Slave, Atmosphere - Ford One/Ford Two, Nas - Hip-Hop Is Dead, The Coup - Genocide and Juice, Outkast - Southernplayalisticc, Goodie Mob - Soul Food, Jay-Z - Reasonable Doubt, Redman - Dare Iz A Darkside, EPMD - Strictly Business, etc.
GW9k's list can be found here. Burnso's list can be found here.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
Fog Machines and Laser Rays
Photo by LeeGreenLeeGreen
New Phawker piece up. It's the best yet. Also, remember that I have nothing to do with writing the headlines.
Philly, here's the weekend stee-low:
Popped- Dr. Dog, Spinto Band, Bardo Pond, Illinois @ The Starlight Ballroom, 460 N. 9th St. $15 at the door. Way worth it.
-Philadelphyinz 2 @ Medusa Lounge, 21st and Chestnut. No Cover, Open bar 10-12. Flyer here.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
while you were sleeping
Ghostface f/ Jacki-O - Tooken Back
There is no conversation in music more tired than RAP DEGRADES WOMEN. But even if everyone who is conflicted about the issue is sick of talking about it, that doesn't make it any less true. Occasionally appreciators of Pimp C like myself need to be reminded of this fact, like when GW9K's girlfriend looks him in the eye and says "how am I not supposed to be offended by this?" She has a point. But that being said, backpacker anthems like "Brown Skin Lady" which give women the borderline demeaning kid glove treatment aren't much help either. You really want to help the cause of women in rap? Make more tracks like "Tooken Back."
"Tooken Back" is some strange combination of Scarface and The Honeymooners. Ghost is the kingpin he always is, Jacki-O is his girl in some capacity, and they are in the middle of a fight. That right there is pretty revolutionary, giving the woman capacity to protest (in this case by telling the cops he shot a ballplayer). Ghost's response is classic: "no disrespect, but you a psycho, honey!" But then here comes Jacki-O who calmly points out how much she's done for him and how much she's tolerated ("the sex wasn't wild...but I dealt with it"), and then wraps it all up with an impatient "come back home, where you belong". Our hero caves immediately, then spends the last verse expounding on how great she is.
Ghostface and Raekwon made their names with a different type of reality rap, intricately detailed crime stories that beg for a narrator to chime in at the end like turn to page 94 to find out who took the bricks! The strength was not only in the details, but also in the tension with which the pair narrate the dangerous heists and the deals gone wrong. Ghost brings this same sensibility to all his female-centric tracks. Dude has at least three songs directed at girls who cheated on him ("Wildflower," "Never Be the Same Again" and "I'm No Good"), and that's in addition to the lovers' quarrel which is "Tooken Back". While rappers regularly scream on out of pocket bitches, Ghost explains the precarious emotional terrain. In "Wildflower," not only is he angry because his girl went and fucked this rasta-head ass dude, but he's probably just as mad at himself for believing she was at Pinky's house. You understand why he should have slapped her (had the God not said chiiiiillllll).
Like most men, Tony Starks has women troubles. Unlike most coke rappers, dude actually talks about them. For a genre which so frequently defends its ethical transgressions with a reference to violent movies and a statement about "entertainment", the casts are conspicuously devoid of intriguing female characters. But Ghost can't reasonably be expected to detail the color of his Clarks in every exposition, while glossing over the assorted females in his sphere of influence. And thus he brings not only salt for girls that scorned him, but fully three-dimensional female leads in "Tooken Back". On Fishscale he takes it to the next level with "Big Girl", telling two snow bunnies to maybe think about putting down the baggie and doing something with themselves, like owning a library. He also asks for head and gets turned down. Oh snap!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
God bless you mister rosewater
It is with profound sadness that I report the death of Kurt Vonnegut. He died today at the age of 84. I only met him once long enough to speak to him. Even if I had never met him, I have always and will always consider him a friend. Like so many who were once young, I took his books as a testament that growing older doesn't mean losing perspective on the absurdity of the human experiment. I think he surely had a little something to do with making me who I am today. So it goes.
[NYTimes: Kurt Vonnegut dead at 84]
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
New Yuck: you got marching orders
Get your bad self to the release party for Issue 3 of The Crier. 7PM tonight at the Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow, wherever the fuck that is. Why? Because me an' Skinny done wrote some o' that shit. Besides, Gawker will be in the place, and you know you look terrible enough to be a part of "Blue States Lose," or whatever that fake Vice "Don't" thing is. There's gonna be a reading too, so I guess that means somebody I never met will read what I wrote.
Come to think of it, Skinny, did they even invite us to this shit?
UPDATE: As it turns out, we're slated for Issue 4. Well, at least we know we didn't get cut.
Labels: Writing on paper
Dave Parker: American Hero
Today's subjects for discussion: Irrationality, fatalism.
Pirates' Magic Number: 156.
The Pirates are currently 4-3 and in a tie for first in the NL Central with the Reds. Having pulled out their first sweep in Houston since maybe the Thatcher administration, the optimism is almost nearly a little palpable (despite the fact that the annual depantsing by the Cardinals commenced yesterday). Pirates fans are sure to ask the burning question: could this be the start of a losing streak totalling nine or more games? Actually, that's the right question to ask. Unless everybody has a career year, the Pirates aren't going to win dick any time soon.
Meanwhile, over here in the big grimy, the Phillies have fans in an absolute panic, having started out of the gate a less-than-blistering 1-6, prompting fans to write break-up letters and demand that Jeff Garcia play 3rd.
If the averages hold, the Phillies should finish last in the NL and the Pirates appear headed for an end-of season playoff with the Reds to determine the NL Central Champion. Jack Wilson will hit something like 40 bunt singles and Xavier Nady will stay in fans good graces past May. Fair prediction?
On a side note, I just realized that I got pummeled in my fantasy matchup last week because Victor Martinez and Raul Ibanez (of Cleveland and Seattle, respectively) had all their fucking games SNOWED OUT. I just kept looking at the schedule like "aw great, two double-headers today, I'm gonna get some stats!" Cleveland has finally moved it's fucking games to Milwaukee (true story).
Labels: Dave Parker: American Hero
Monday, April 09, 2007
Oh lord. It's most certainly WTF day over here at Just Sayin.
-OhWord "finds" Cam's Rhyme Book. This is perhaps the greatest piece of orignial rap/art/blog work since their Wu-Tang diorama set or FreeDarko's visual lexicon. Ever want to see the high school journal of a charicatured Killa Cam? Ever wonder which pinks he like and which pinks he hates? Do you think he'll let Hell Rell see his design for a super awesome Camborghini prototype? Does he dot the "i" in Jim Jones with a heart? (of course he does). [Brain goes kapow]
-I'm not really sure whether "Clutch Hopkins" is an awesome viral marketing campaign for a major West Coast producer or label, or whether it's an awesome viral marketing campaign for the kid who's about to be a major West Coast producer or label head. In case you haven't heard, Clutch Hopkins is allegedly a scraggly ass bol who lives in a Cali bum stylee and makes beats under old Doom a cappellas. He only interacts through intermediaries and has about a 15% chance of being real, if you ask me.
Either way, Idolator interviews some dude who claims to know "Clutch Hopkins", and it goes something like this:
How do you respond to skeptics who claim Clutchy doesn't exist?Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Clutch Hopkins is clearly...Gerard.
People are skeptical because they think he's too good to be true. Most people have low expectations nowadays. Clutchy's so fresh, they have trouble believing in him.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Pittsburgh Comfort Level
Greetings to all you whoadies and whoadettes. I'm Burnso, the non-skinny member of Cockblock 4. Most of my friends have indirectly noted the (hitherto unnamed) Burnso paradox: I have a one-track mind capable of expertise and concentration in many, many things. If the nature of mono-poly focus is any paradox, it furthers itself by my brain being exceptionally unfocused. I believe this may be my lone strength as concerns this digital pamphlet. This is my inaugural entry to JS2k, so I promise not to embarrass myself.
As my first topic I'd like to poke at the parallels between the Steelers and Pirates and the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra and the Pittsburgh Opera. On one hand we have the old masters, long recognized as one of the finest institutions of their ilk in the nation. Moving from an old 'burgh landmark to Heinz, they've been figureheaded by some serious players in the game, like Fritz Reiner and Jack Lambert.
On the other hand, Pittsburgh is not a baseball town the way it's not an opera town. I figured this as I saw a bunch of young bucks in a low-budget Magic Flute about a week-and-a-half ago. There's generally not a desire to go to the opera the way there is to go to the symphony, or at least I felt that way when I was in music school. The opera has a sort of Bucs game ritualism to it in that the substance of it isn't going to transcend you, but it's nice to do on a summer day/wear-a-suit night. Don't get me wrong, I like the opera here, for what it's worth. I used to produce Pittsburgh Opera for radiocasts and spent an 8 hour workday listening to 4 different performances of Il Nozze di Figaro . I admit I can't keep up with the Pirates with the fervor of a gentlewhoadie but I'm very into going to a game this summer, wearing my Bettis jersey like a jerk, if anyone's interested. I just feel that we're not going to have a Met or Mets in this town. There's a comfort level in this town that tends to let certain things linger; every once in a while we'll get Sherrill Milnes as Falstaff or the All-Star game.
I remember the All Star game of '06 well. I was down at the Thunderbird Cafe, Pittsburgh's premier site for lesbian karaoke. There was a guy at the bar who came to Pittsburgh for the game, wearing some ridiculous jacket that had logos for every team sewn on it on some "I'm a real big fan of major league baseball and I admire what exhibition games represent." The poor guy was drinking by himself in a total un-sports bar and asking every (not hetero) girl what was interesting in town, getting ignored for most of the evening. He probably went back to the HoJo and looked up Padres stats before putting a gun in his mouth.
Fog Machines and Laser Rays
But of course, it's the Pull Out Method party featuring Bear Hands, with all-night accompaniment from who else but DJs Apt One and Skinny Friedman of Philadelphyinz fame. Basically, we're gonna shred the shit. Club Midway, 25 Ave B and 3rd St. $5 to see the band, free after 1.
There are two bands playing that are really appealing to white people and also people with bad haircuts (and good haircuts too, I guess). Xiu Xiu is playing at the First Unitarian Church and Vietnam is playing at Johnny Brenda's. Since neither is new to the game, my indie-rock ignorant ass has heard both bands. I remember Vietnam from the old Vice samplers that used to come with the magazine back in like 02 or 03. I think they're both pretty decent, but they don't have any used dollar bin twelve inches out, so they're not really on my radar.
The Philadelphia Film Festival is always the shit. My favorite film festival memory has to be the time a small-time local news anchor from the WB or something introduced the film Breath Control, a beat-boxing documentary. This must have been in '02 or '03 because I recall the film having been recommended to me by the pre-FreeDarko Bethlehem Shoals, who lived in Philly at the time. I think a friend of his made the film. Long story short, the guy comes out on stage to introduce the film and he is presented as JoeBlow Something-or-other from WB news and the thirty or forty people in attendence clapped half-heartedly. For some reason that is to this day uncertain, I booed him lustily. Dos started cracking the fuck up. Newsboy got shook pretty bad, quickly introduced the film and then bolted. The Film Festival Schedule can be found here.
The film festival opens Friday, but Friday's schedule is all packed up there.
Edit: Also (how could I have forgotten?), Saturday marks the 77th anniversary of the end of prohibition, so get completely shitty...because it's legal! (Seen via Philadelphia Will Do)
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Paging riot squad
ESPN radio's Colin Cowherd is an affront to bloggers everywhere. Destroy him (but don't physically hurt him, I don't have a lawyer).
Posted today on Deadspin:
Colin Cowherd...has a show on ESPN Radio. Like many sports radio hosts across this great land, he relies greatly on blogs to find himself some free, juicy content. (And, of course, acting as if he just came up with it on his own; there's a guy at WFAN in New York who's particularly egregious about this as well. You know who you are.) We tend not to work ourselves up about this too much; if we riled ourselves up about radio people swiping blog stories every time it happened, we wouldn't have time to type. Information is meant to be free. However: Today, upset with something The Big Lead had written about him (or someone, or something, imagined or otherwise), Cowherd told his listeners to unleash a DNS attack on the site. One of the tech people here at Gawker Media tells us: "When someone floods a website with so many fake hits that the servers get overloaded, the site, essentially, goes down. A programmer could write a script to load the website once a second." That appears to be what happened.We don't usually just post other blogs' stuff verbatim here, but this is an all points bulletin- an affront to everything good and decent and a war on blogs. Furthermore, we have gotten substantial boosts from links posted by TheBigLead and Deadspin, so we've gotta stick up for those who have stuck up for us.
Fuck that shit.
Dave Parker: American Hero
Some memories last a lifetime
As the Pittsburgh Pirates season gets officially underway, there are sure to be periodic updates. In an effort to reign in the wild west of wordsmithing that Just Sayin has inadvertantly become, we have started to label things and make them regular features. For example, we have Whoadie Got Skates, Whoadie Got Crates, Fog Machines and Laser Rays and, er, Steelers.
For baseball, I think that as a bunch of yinzers and ex-pat yinzers, we should probably pick the Pirate who most embodies the spirit of Just Sayin. Look no further than Dave "The Cobra" Parker, who narrowly beat out Honus "Str8 Cuttin' Mugs" Wagner. Here's a pictographic justification:
In short, dude was a .300-hitting, butt-smoking gully machine with a laser rocket arm. He also hit 339 career homers, won a batting title and an MVP. He didn't need any steroids either, just yayo. I like to pretend that Parker was the model upon which Rick Ross ultimately based his appearance and persona. Observe:
Thus, let it be proclaimed! A new feature: Dave Parker: American Hero.
Anyway, take a good look at the graphic which graces the top of this post. Yes, those are today's National League standings. No, it's not a misprint. The Pirates are in first place. They've taken full advantage of a few well-timed implosions by the Astros bullpen, and now they are on the fast track to the playoffs. Look, I know there are still 159 games to play- plenty of time to nosedive. But can't I have my four days of baseball joy before another summer of misery? Stay tuned.
Labels: Dave Parker: American Hero
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Will blog for rain
Is "making it rain" possibly the best fad ever? Not for me, or for Pacman Jones, but for strippers? Making it rain, the act of tossing an extreme number of bills at strippers, seems to be mostly about:
A. Making yourself appear so wealthy that you can be wasteful and not care.
B. Creating moments wherein you can appreciate your superior social position relative to strippers, who scramble to pick up money you casually threw away.
C. Imitating videos where the rain makers actually get to pick up the money after the camera stops. It's probably not theirs anyway.
This seems like an awfully stupid thing to do. I can think of a lot of self-aggrandizing activities that are entirely free, or at least you buy something that you get to keep, like a big dookie chain or a jungle cat. But hey, who am I to tell people that they can't let strippers- who have a pretty damn low social status- get paid for the customer's hubris.
Let's put aside dangerous, criminal rainmakers like Pacman Jones (who make it rain and then try to take the loot back) and just focus on your average, needlessly ostentatious rainmaker. So let's say you're Dontrelle Willis, and you feel compelled (along with Dan Uggla. Dan Uggla?) to make it precipitate ever so slightly in a gentleman's establishment. Hey, we all know how much money you make, but if you feel compelled to make a spectacle along with Dan Uggla, would it be better to make it rain with other stuff that the strippers will ultimately buy with that money? Let's examine:
-Making it rain cans of baby formula. This is very dangerous. Do not make it rain canned goods.
-Making it rain cocaine. This is a surefire way to lose some coke. Do not make it rain drugs.
-Making it rain community college night courses. This is functionally impossible. Do not make it rain books either.
So I suppose it's much better to make it rain money than to make it rain other stuff. With money, you can get your tubes tied or you can pay for school or buy shit for your kids. In fact, it's much better to make it rain money than making it rain school, because as we established earlier, you cannot actually make it rain classes. Also, Dontrelle Willis gets paid in money, so this is a lot easier for him to accomodate than say, a mix of various groceries.
OK, great. So guys are throwing money at women who feel compelled to sell their bodies because these dudes ironically think that these women are so dirty that they deserve a whole lot of money. Furthermore, they have conveniently decided to use currency, which is more liquid than canned goods. I need to figure out how I can get some rich dude with a fragile ego to come to my job and throw huge amounts of cash around. I'm not a woman, so I guess I'm at somewhat of a disadvantage (no John Amaechi) but I can imitate all different kinds of accents and I also like to blog. Hmmm.
Calling all professional athletes- apparently as many as a hundred people read this blog every day! I will specially coordinate a liveblog (with photos) of you throwing a whole bunch of money all over the floor. Everybody will see how rich you are, and then I will pick said money up and then you need to leave. If I blog, will you make it rain?