Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Point of no return



Last year, Detroit City, home of Super Bowl XXX-tra Large embraced it's heritage as the home of Robocop, Jerome Bettis, Motown and the most balls-out urban decay this side of Ohio. Sure, there was a little shame around the edges, but fuck it, Detroit wasn't apologizing to nobody, ya heard?! When you're in Deeetroit (Basketball!) you just have to get dystopian with it or you're gonna get your ass beat. As a resident of Philadelphia, I can completely understand this attitude. Go with what you know and represent yourself with no shame.

So why is it that Miami hasn't dialed up its true Zeitgeists to be the honorary MCs for Super Bowl week? They've got that drunk Nassau County trainwreck Billy Joel and Prince, who has a very Miami flair but reps Minnesota. Who should be on board for this week's festivities?

National Anthem



Uncle Luke. This kind of goes without saying (Sayin). Splack Pack to provide the hydraulic 64 with girls in daisy dukes flying off the hood everytime it jumps. "Don't stop, pop that coochie, let me see you wave that flag!" Eat your heart out Jeff Weiss.

In-Demand Party Figure



Tony Montana. This could be a boon for all South Florida based airbrush artists. Think about the possibility of getting an airbrushed shirt of Scarface in an all new pose that you can choose!!! Besides, it's gonna take a lot of llello to keep those celebrity parties going. But let KSK remind you, the Bengals are not playing this weekend.

Motelier



Rick Ross. If you're like me, and you're holding your pursestrings a little tight, you might be hurtin in the wallet after you rent your obligatory BMW 745 for that Miami white-on-white look. Hotels don't come cheap, but see my man Rawssss. He in room 222. Did I mention he the Bawssss? Ricky is a good fall-back if Tony Montana can't come to your party.

Security



Crockett and Tubbs.
The OG, not that Colin Farrell bullshit. Basically, Crockett and Tubbs will keep shit safe for you, but there's a good chance that doing so may mean gunfire in the stadium or on the field at some point during the Super Bowl game.

Halftime Show



Debbie Deb, Expose, Freestyle, Nice N Wild. Have you ever wanted to hear "Don't Stop the Rock" at a party but you don't want to go to Jersey? Put on some leopard print and touch up your fade. Jim Nantz will have no fucking clue what's going on after he sees special guest Jellybean Benitez do a bump of yay off Debbie Deb's decrepit nipple on national TV.

Elian



I dunno. Why was everybody all flipped out about this again?

In-the-know Miami party



The U Football Party. This is crucial right here, because these guys are the national ambassadors for Miami culture. Let's get Mike Irvin, Ray Lewis, J. Shockey, Edgerrin James, Warren Sapp, Kellen Winslow, Clinton Portis and Donna Shalala together, put our cammo on, throw on the Tootsie Roll and get fuckin' rediculous, nahmean? Shit, party with Clinton Portis?!

Other recommended activities:



-Find Dennis Farina, punch him in his face
-Carjack somebody
-Hire Hank Azaria to be your Guatamalan man-servant (That's for you Tony Dungy)
-Buy a white blazer and pastel shirt
-See if you can figure out what happened to half the people from Sunnyview Records
-Prank call a pet detective
-Drive a fastboat to Cuba for a mohito, have sex with an Asian druglord
-Rush Rush
-Ride the child molester beat with Shaq

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