Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Your parents will take away the choking game


At first we were pretty sure this was a Mighty Ducks-type Sayin, turns out it's more of a Maestro-type Sayin. It was great back when, but now everybody has AIDS and a drug habit. Or neither. But we are not going to skate to victory over Team Iceland, that's for sure. There was a little thread running through the back of my mind since the Jacksonville match. I thought that every time Ben was hurt, he came back one game too fast. Chazzie Batch could have put up 10 points against Jacksonville. A fresh Ben with no Marcus Stroud-inflicted internal bleeding could have pulled out the tight game at Cinci. Let uncle Chazzie take care of the listing Raiders ship and we've got a confident and healthy Ben waiting to get at the Broncos. We're talking 6-4 at least. But we haven't had a healthy and confident Ruthlessburgher on the field at any point this season.

I think the '06 Steelers had a few glaring problems, but as a whole, the team is a solid one which lacks a few small but important pieces. Chatching, that's one. Also standing still before the snap. Also holding the football tightly. And tackling kick returners.

But let's avert our eyes from the smoldering corpse of the 2006 season and let me be the first to declare...no man (except Troy) is safe!!!

QB: Ben Ruthlessbingle
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
As hard as it is for me to say it... maybe. Dude won the Super Bowl last year, gotta give him some leeway. However, he's looking like a liability health-wise. Will he last or will he drop his muffler in the middle of the highway? You gotta realize that your boy has been pulling the QB equivalent of putting orange juice in his cereal all fucking year.
Go cop uptown?
If there are any good QBs floating around in the 4th to 6th round, take one. If Troy Smith drops to the second round (which some NFL draft sites are actually sayin), take him. Do not draft Tyler Palko.

RB: Willie Parker
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
Probably. He's fast, but he can be a liability when you absolutely have to have manageable second downs. Keep in mind that the Steelers are only 17th in the leage in rushing yards per game as of today with about 108.
Go cop uptown?
Probably not, but a bigger back would be helpful to have around (No offense Najeh). Maybe Michael Bush?

FB: Kreider
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
Yes.
Go cop uptown?
None

WR: Hines Wardie, Cedric Wilson, Nate Washington, Santonio

Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
No. Stop dropping shit Santonio. The Steelers thought they could lose Burress and El the same way they though they could lose Kirkland, Brown and Greene years ago. Cultivating receiving talent has always been a Cowher weakness. Also, there's a break on Nate Washington's LP.
Go cop uptown?
Get a free agent. Rookie receivers are not where it's at.

TE: Heath Miller
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
Sure. But it could also be the motherfuckin greatest. Tuman, you OK too.
Go cop uptown?
Nope. Did that last year.

O-Line: Faneca, Hartings, Simmons, Starks, Smith
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
No fucking way. As the line goes, so goes the team. The pass protection this year has been abysmal, although some of that blame surely goes to the receivers, who couldn't find an opening if they were knee deep in whores.
Go cop uptown?
This is a priority area. Probably first round. If we lose another couple of easy games, maybe we can get Joe Thomas out of Wisconsin. Joe Thomas is the Bob Saget of blocking and the Dwight Eisenhower of eating.

Kicking game: Gardocki, Reed
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
Yes.
Go cop uptown?
Two lagers for Jeff.

Other special teams
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
Fuck no.
Go cop uptown?
All those dudes are fired.

D-Line: Smith, Keisel, Hampton
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
Sometimes. I didn't hear Aaron Smith's name get called very much this year. Then again, I turned off most of the games about midway through the 3rd quarter.
Go cop uptown?
Probably not, Hoke is still kickin it. Hampton still looks like he's made out of boulders.

LB: Porter, Farrior, Haggans, Foote
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
It pains me to say this but no, Wu-Tang is not for the children. We need some more undersized college defensive ends to get ready to replace these guys. Three years is a long time for any corps of linebackers to be together- Porter and Farrior aren't spring chickens anymore and Haggans is pushing 30.
Go cop uptown?
Yes. Michigan's Woodley would be a viable first round pick, as would homer H.B. Blades. James Harrison might also be a candidate to step in next year as a starter. Also, draft some crazy juice for Peezy.

Safties: Troy Troy, Logan, Carter

Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
Some of them.
Go cop uptown?
Yes. A safety would make a good middle round pick. Also, I have it from a good source that Troy's mom is completely appalled at how much money him and his shortie (who comes from money, while Troy is frugal and chaste) are willing to spend on DelMonico steaks at Whole Foods. I also have it from a good source that some strippers from Braddock slept with Kool Keith and stole his drivers lisense and pants to sell on eBay. What do you have to say about that, Cowher?

Corners: McFadden, Ike, Deshea
Is Wu-Tang for the Children?
Truth be told, it never was.
Go cop uptown?
This is what the Steelers need in the second round. Drafting a CB in the first round is almost never worth it, because they usually fall towards the 2nd or 3rd round until anybody takes them. I firmly believe that a big, fast corner is a necessity for any team. Receivers are just too large these days.

So now I ask you, gentle reader to tell us in the comments section, "Is Bill Cowher's Wu-Tang strong enough?"