Wednesday, November 08, 2006

We can't stop here, this is bat country!

I'm sure you've heard by now that the Democrats took the House, a majority of the Governors' mansions and are on the verge of taking the Senate. And Rumsfeld has resigned. In two years we'll see which side the public blames for the coming acrimony.

OK. Back to the bread and circuses!

For starters, I offer you a sacrificial lamb. The normally level-headed crew over at Bucco Blog has come up with an idea so bad that the Pirates front office should be all over it like Barrington Levy. "[Luis] Gonzalez in LF makes sense." Whoa. Every time the Pirates look like they might be thinking about considering the possibility of maybe turning the corner, there's another also-ran veteran scheme.

Gonzo hasn't hit above .271 in three years, he's 39, and like Joe Randa, Pat Meares, Jeromy Burnitz, Kenny Lofton and others, he'll be eating into the playing time of one of the numerous prospects the Pirates have acquired in high drafts and salary dumps over the last decade. Furthermore, he'll be expensive, because he used to be a star. I've got news- he's not a star anymore. If he was, he wouldn't play in Pittsburgh. Enough of this shit. Develop some players so we can make the playoffs before I fucking die (and then sell them for prospects).

[Bucco Blog: When white rabbit peaks, throw the radio in the tub!]

Now this next one has been cracking me the fuck up all day. It's a two parter.

First, golfer John Daly, who is basically a three toed sloth with two major championships, a farmer's tan and a drinking problem, just divorced his 4th wife. Right after she got out of jail. Oh, he also has a gambling problem, too. Kind of funny, kind of sad.

The second part (the funny part) comes courtesy of something I learned in a Bill Simmons column not too long ago. It's well known in this space that I have no use for Simmons, whose columns read like "[former Red Sox outfielder] is just like [singer in band I don't like] only with a fashion sense like [character from show I don't watch], which the Sports Girl hates because I named my fantasy baseball team after their first album." However, Simmons gets a pass because he stumbled upon a hilarious revelation:

When you play Tiger Woods Golf with Tiger Woods (which Simmons did), Tiger Woods really likes to play as...John Daly. That's right, when the most dominant and most competitive athelete of our time sits down to play his own video game, he wants to represent himself as a walking, talking Waylon Jennings song with a golf club. Simmons then excellently recognized the potential a John Daly video game might have- something akin to Tiger Woods Golf only like the part in GTA when you take the giant pill called "drugs" and your character can't see straight.

[ That Daly boy's gone cross the county line!]
[Simmons: I fellated Tiger and lived to tell the tale]

By the way- peep this dude, who makes the Scarface-airbrush equivalent of outsider art (but on purpose, not because he's in an asylum)