Thursday, November 02, 2006

(Free)basin' with Briscoe

In this randomly appearing, recurring feature, we invite the great American actor detective Jerry Orbach to review albums and singles we haven't listened to, and compare them to the smoke-up-your-ass-garbage those lying sons of bitches over at pitchfork come up with. What, you heard he's dead, think we're kidding? "If I was kidding, you'd be wearing a fez and no pants."


Animal Collective: Hollindagain
Panda Bear's fragile trapped-in-the-machine glitch-- their vibrant and faintly sad energy. This leads uninterrupted into "Pride and Fight"; backing Panda Bear is just foot stomps and some chanting from Avey Tare, setting up the moment when the heavy downstrokes of the acoustic guitars and some tom-tom bashing push the song into a completely hypnotic realm. Geologist's gurgling synths, combined with the chanting and wailing vocals, owe much to the sun worship of Boredoms, another band that hears noise and chaos as a healing, rather than destructive force.

Briscoe says:
Geez, you know, this is some really wacked out stuff here. All this banshee business- this that and the other thing. I couldn't listen to this for more than five seconds without wondering what kind of drugs these guys are on. It's like some kind of hippie space craft. I really don't know what to say other than I never want to hear that again.

Lady Sovereign: Public Warning
By appealing to the same iTunes-hungry teens that are making the High School Musical soundtrack the year's top-selling album, Def Jam has happened upon a counter-marketing sweet spot; as divas like Fergie, Christina, and Beyoncé stalk MTV with their perfectly plucked eyebrows and runway-ready attire, Sov is the tomboy in the bleachers taking the piss out of the whole lot.

Briscoe says:
One year I saved up pretty much all my vacation days and I was planning on taking the missus to England and seeing Buckingham Palace and all that. We have tickets reserved for November or something. This was back in the 70s. Wouldn't you know it but three or four days before she decides to go crazy and kicks me out of my own bed. She refused to go on the trip, so I said "Go screw yourself you bat crazy bitch" and went by myself. True story.
Anyway, this little miss rapper is probably a nice girl and all, but the one guy who does this site here tells me that he went to see her in Philadelphia, and the two of them sat having drinks and all for a while. She seems perfectly nice, but then the little English girl goes crazy when she's supposed to be singing her songs. And everybody paid and all that. What a bush league thing to do.

Bert Jansch: The Black Swan
It almost seems as though Jansch spent most of his four-decade career preparing for The Black Swan and its cast: His early solo work for voice and guitar staked out a clean, inventive style, focused on high fretting action in the left hand, an integrated system of hammers and drags that gave his instrument a thorough voice. With Pentangle, and later with Loren Auerbach in the 80s, he put that style into collaborative focus. His guitar playing-- somehow constantly understated and completely unorthodox-- has been the generous, enchanting source of it all.

Briscoe says:
Finally you give me one I know. I actually remember this guy. He was in this hippie band Pentangle. I never really liked that kind of stuff, but at least I remember it. This makes me feel pretty old you know. When all the kids were listening to this guy I was up to my eyeballs in stupid hippie shenanigans and all that Viet Nam stuff they were doing. This is before I was a detective, I was just a regular beat cop, and they used to get all in my face at all these rallies they were having around that time. Sometimes you really had to be stern with them, if you know what I mean. You think this Bert Jansch guy has had a bath since then?
What's with all this English stuff you keep giving me?

Ghostface Killah: Ghost Is Back (single)
As far as beef tracks go, this is bound to start a stampede of internet cattle talking about who? what? and when? Or maybe they'll just talk about how crazy Ghostface is, but have no doubt that Ghost is getting at Jay-Z, and I really hope Jay answers. Or what? Nas gets at Ghost? Raekwon buries Redman? Method Man yells at his mirror? The shit would be like the old dudes in Cocoon fighting for the last dip in the pool.

Briscoe says:
USA! USA! Alright, enough of that lymie crap. Here's this Ghostface Killer guy again. Every time he puts out an album they wheat paste his posters all over the place, so I've heard of this perp too. All the black guys at the station told me that his album's about all this and that- going to Peru to get coke or whatever. I don't know if that's all true or whatever, I'm not in Narcotics. What I do know is that this guy is pretty nuts, but not like those Animal Collection guys. Totally different. Doesn't even make any sense- it's all that slang ebonics- and not the regular kind. This is like all code for something, otherwise it wouldn't come out sounding so silly.