Sunday, October 15, 2006

Step off the frankfurter

Today's guest writer is Dos NittiThere have been many notable accomplishments in Western civilization in the last six odd hundred years. But my all time lifelong hero (even more than Tupac) is one Anthony "Spud" Webb. Hailing from Texas, this little point guard that could captivated the basketball world with one of the most incredible physical displays since nekkid Greek dudes started wrestling for Zeus. Webb was always short, and his odd appearence at birth prompted his grandmother to nickname him Spud, short for "sputnik". Fortunately Webb's fortitude to overcome fucking retards in his own family took immediately to basketball.

This is where some of the most bugged out shit in sports history occurred. According to numerous vetted sources (I know the bol's old head Lamar) Webb first dunked on the blacktop in 11th grade. At this point he was 15 years old and 4 feet ten inches tall. Yes you read that correctly: four feet fucking ten inches. Isn't that the criteria for being a midget? In the taxonomy of dunking, anyone under six foot one who can throw down convincingly and on a regular basis is considered to have "hops". Once you get down to about 5'9 and below you are dealing with some serious genetic anomalies. Five foot seven and below and you are looking at some shit few people have ever seen. (The only one I can think of is Spud Webb) Below that and you are basically wittnessing something that would defy your physical perception of reality. Below five feet is the background of a Vonage commercial: some blurry and utterly mystifying sight that you will question whether or not you actually saw.Imagine a four foot ten kid, the ball so large in his hands that to dunk he needs to get a lot farther than six inches over the rim, (the standard height it takes to get a dunk down) take a running start and leave the ground, rising until he smacks that ball through the rim. His post dunk descent must've looked like a suicide attempt. Doing the math on this it seems to me that Webb had a vertical leap of around 56 inches to be able to dunk at that height. Improbable yes, but this is not only the shortest man to win the Slam Dunk Contest with the prototypical 360 that many emulate but few execute, against a field that included Dominique Wilkins (Webb's teammate and alley oop partner) but also the shortest dunker to own people like a man a foot and a half taller than he was.

6'4 Barkley did his thing on 6'10 cats all day. 6'0 AI has also owned some far taller players on the court. But most little dunkers are very finnicky in traffic, a high performing sports car that needs the open road to really do what it wants. Not Webb. Despite being seven inches shorter than AI, (Webb's actual height is 5'5 not the 5'7 he usually is listed as) Webb had no problem dunking on cats of any height in games. You haven't lived until you've seen Webb rise above a Patrick Ewing-sized cat on a two-on-one with no room to get steps down. He threw an awesome oop to Wikins, but there were many times the camera would leave Wilkins's oop to catch a seeming crane lifted Webb throwing down on some embarrassed power forward. This dude needs a biopic and comic strip......................

Early good Gods/Earths