Friday, October 06, 2006

Quasi-definitive proof of a higher power of some sort

According to an article in the New York times, the conservative evangelical movement is shitting its adult diapers over the claim that only four percent (four percent!!) of today's "yoots" will grow up to be "Bible-believing Christians." It seems as if their attempts to seduce teens with non-confrontational radio rock, abstinence, sobriety, and threats of hellfire, wailing and gnashing of teeth have run smack into the harsh reality that none of these things appeal to teenagers at all.

My favorite part of the article is when Ron Luce, the hip, well-coiffed huckster who runs a big youth mega-church festival thing says:

“I’m looking at the data, and we’ve become post-Christian America, like post-Christian Europe. We’ve been working as hard as we know how to work — everyone in youth ministry is working hard — but we’re losing.”

First off, since when does a guy like Ron Luce care about data? I have a lot of data (e.g. science) that might really blow his mind if he should come calling. Where do you get data like that anyway? I really don't know how you put a number on what percent of today's teenagers will grow up to become "Bible-believing Christians," if indeed such a clearly defined category does exist. But, I don't think I should stress about this, because, as you know, these people are totally batshit crazy.

Second, if this were "post-Christian America," I have no idea how I managed to live through "Christian America" without getting burnt at the stake or having my balls twisted off during "Forced Conversion Night" at the ballpark. How are the art museums still standing?

Third, if you're losing, who is winning? And don't say "Marilyn Manson," Ron.

But fear not, believers! Joy floweth forth from the hills of Goshen and the birds of Canaan cry out in song at His coming!! (Austin, 3:16)And what/who, you might ask, is this savior? Well, you know that song by Khia "My Neck, My Back?" You know, the one that goes:

All you ladies pop your p***y like this
Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
All you ladies pop your p***y like this
Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now
Lick it good suck this p***y, just like you should
Right now, Lick it good
suck this p***y just like you should
My Neck, my back
Lick my p***y and my crack

Idolator just dug up the New Jersey Nets version of that song entitled "The Nets Are Back." Kind of like if "Suck it or Not" got turned into "Dunk it or Not," and became the official theme song of the Atlanta Krunk Wolverines of the CBA. Stay with me here... listen for the Keith Van Horn drops, he's a Mormon. Good old Christian values.