Tuesday, October 31, 2006

B.O.B.

There’s really nothing quite as infuriating as Election Season, or as I like to call it, “30 Seconds of Democracy.” Let’s just air out the presumptions here and say that Americans are, by and large, a bunch of jingoistic simian racist troglodyte fucktards. Advertisers know this, and try to appeal to their sensibilities accordingly. That’s when you end up with embryologist quarterback Kurt Warner (!?) and the dude who played Jesus (not Jesus) trying to tell you about why stem cell research is forbidden by the book of Revelations or Matthew or whatever during the World Series. "Hi, I'm washed up quarterback Kurt Warner, and I'm here with Jesus to tell you that Michael J. Fox can boogie woogie his ass off all he wants up in here, but he's a freedom hating subversivo."

For starters, I admit that issues of stem cells, global climate change and the like are so complex that you have to have significant training to even begin to appropriately address the ethical issues…and I have a degree in biology/ecology. I know that Jeff Suppan reads back issues of Molecular Evolution between innings and all, but do you really think he has any fucking idea what he’s talking about? But does jingoistic simian racist troglodyte fucktard think Jeff Suppan knows what he’s talking about? Maybe. That should be a big red flag that our country is in the toilet.

Number two, the World Series is the time of year when I feel the most American. I think anybody could talk me into bombing the shit out of anything if somebody messed with the World Series (Colin Powell presents the evidence against Bud Selig). Don’t remind me how wack we actually are when I’m having a pleasantly delusional moment.

Number three, I do not want to know about the political persuasions of athletes. I like the childish qualifications by which we decide if we “like” a certain player. “Oh, we wears his socks all high and he’s quirky- awesome!” Karl Malone’s 16 foot J and primitive fade hairstyle were great too, until I found out that he’s a card carrying NRA member who owns 75 copies of the Toby Keith “Boot in your ass” single (made that up). I know it’s unreasonable of me to expect atheletes not to be people, or even Republicans for that matter, but that’s what we’re all about here at JS2000- unreasonableness.

Lastly, Rush Limbaugh is a complete piece of shit. In case you haven't heard, he claims Michael J. Fox was totally faking Parkinsons to get you to support his communist agenda. When will this guy just go away?

[Michael J. Fox: Help me out you assholes, I'm fucking dying]
[YouTube: Kurt Warner: As a Christian with fumblitis, I have a message for you]
[MSNBC: Rush Limbaugh: It is dastardly for Michael J. Fox to pretend to have Parkinsons]

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So, Jack Van Impe. Sayin. Wow. Anybody know about this guy? Definitely my favorite comedian. I randomly caught one of his “shows” a few years ago and I’ve been hooked ever since. His brainwashed wife Rexella reads various headlines, obviously gleaned from a rather indiscriminate keyword search for, say “EU” or “war.” Jack will then drop some science from Revelations, usually going off about the EU being the new Roman Empire (buy my video!), or organ transplants being a sign of robotic automation (buy my video!) or some other tenuous metaphor for some apocalyptic scripture. He’ll do alpha-numerical translations of words like “computer” and always come up with 666. Basically the dude knows way more than Kurt Warner about any of this shit. And his hair is perfect.

You can see all of his shows at his website, plus extremely detailed timelines of “Major Future Events” such as the next Nas album and the tragic murder-suicide of Ronald Reagan and six Panamanian domestics. What? My personal favorite is his extremely detailed map of Middle East Invasions that includes Marseille and Russia (aka Magog) completely fucking shit up. As a bonus, Germany is called “Gomer.”

“Animals in Heaven? Our beloved pets are to be raptured and resurrected with us!”

Sayin.

[Van Impe: Major Future Events to include nasty dump, apocalypse, bowling]
[Van Impe: Watch show, lose mind]
[Van Impe: Gomer, that's where they make Becks]