Tuesday, September 19, 2006

In broad daylight, stickup kids, they run up on us

I woke up this morning with a fierce determination to somehow retrieve the three hours of my life that were lost last night to that excuse for a “foot ball game.” Man, that was awful. Somehow the late 1990s Steelers emerged from the deep closet of Bill Cowher’s demons. I was all like “no Mike Tomczak! Don’t throw it to first round flop Charles Johnson, he’s not even running the right route!”

Jacksonville has always given the Steelers fits because they play so damn ugly and force the Steelers to do the same. We generally approach a Jacksonville game with a swagger that says “I was winning Super Bowls when you were just a twinkle in Paul Tagliabue’s eye.” Then they grind us down in a brutal, conservative field position battle. The ‘Lers are used to dictating in a similar fashion (recently we also have used the “forward pass”) and they can’t handle when they are confronted with an image of themselves.

By the way, what’s up with Troy Polamalu having no use of his arm at all? It was pretty obvious that he was ineffective and Jacksonville knew it. Voluminous curls are dope and all, but they don’t do the tackling.

Similarly, Willie Parker didn’t hit the “juke,” “spin” or “hurdle” buttons at any point last night. He doesn’t seem to be able to break a tackle to save his life. The line was always letting an unmolested tackler get in his face, and Willie would just crumple. That doesn’t bode well for a team built around the running game.

Did Big Ben suffer any post-trauma bowel destruction as the MNF medical reporter Suzy Kolber warned us he might? I really liked their internal medicine crash course which consisted of a bunch of sausage looking things with arrows pointing to them. Remember, you’re talking to drunk simians, not other doctors like yourself, Suzy. “It appears as if Ben won’t be able to take a shit for 4-6 weeks, but he plans to play with a colonoscopy bag until then.”

Remember the months Febuary through August where it felt like the Steelers won a game every day in a blowout? I miss that. For chrissakes, Bill, yell at somebody.

CORRECTION: Michele Tafoya is a fake TV doctor, not Suzy Kolber. See more details over at this morning's edition of the aptly titled Cooterpunch.