Thursday, August 10, 2006

Like James Bond in the octagon

Vast armies of haters have dismissed the Steelers' XL guerillla tactics as a fluke. Grudgingly, everybody agrees that the yinzers in black are a classy, smashmouf football team: old crochety family ownership, resistance to the forward pass concept, no cheerleaders, no mixed drinks. But success breeds contempt. Too many holes. Loss of the underdog drive. AFC North on the rise.

We at JustSayin2000, with our crack team of football analysts and locker room insiders (including Young Lyle Alzado, RoboNightTrainLane8 and Lil John Clayton) are here to bring you the truth about the latest edition of the Pittsburgh Steelers as only Pittsburgh ex-pats can (it's called perspective people). Today's report: The offensive backfield.

QB: I really don't want to talk about the whole motorcycle accident thing, it's been beaten to death. I could go on and on about the numerous unexpected ways BB7 could fall apart this season- accident-related rickets, consumption or pleurisy. But I don't want to picture Ben living out the season in head-to-toe Reebok gear, holed up in a sideline iron lung. I could speculate about the reconstructive procedures used to rebuild him (e.g. Robocop), but what can I say about modern cybernetics that hasn't been said a million times?

If Ruthlessbingle stays healthy, I think things will be OK. He did get beat up pretty bad last season on account of some poor protection, so if he can't take a knock anymore, Chazzie Batch could be thrust into what is basically the second most important job behind President of the United States. Chaz is from Homestead, and is thus the only Steeler who rides his bike to practice. I think that should give us all some comfort. In emergency situations, Omar Jacobs has great hair.

RB: Willie Parker is on a mission to convince the world he is being typecast as merely somebody who is extremely fast. He wants to take over in short yardage situations and on third downs. Frankly, Duce Staley is much better suited to short yardage. Dan Rooney's farts can knock Willie Parker over. If Duce starts eating a lot more sheet cake and entire turkeys like Jerome did, he should fill that role nicely. Expect Verron Haynes to see some time as a starter this year when everybody gets hurt at the same time.

Little Known Steelers Fact #1: Bill Cowher and Bill Brasky (who has a very extensive wikipedia page for an imaginary person) are actually first cousins. They are both named after their shared maternal grandfather William Finneran.

In other news:
-A thwarted terrorist attack over the Atlantic has forced the US to change the alert level to "Str8 Ballin'." No word on whether Juicy J has been contacted by government officials to attept to locate "dat Bin Ladden."

-Catch me DJing at Key West tonite. I'm gonna drop all the electro I've been stockpiling the last 6 months. Wear all that nylon mesh you've been keeping in the closet for so long.

-If you're not from Philly or under 30, this won't make any sense. If you are (and know Sean Agnew), this will make even less sense. It's Uhhhhhh.