Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Jeff Reed got the hood on smash.

There are now only 29 days remaining until the world distorts uncontrollably into a brain-melting ball of reptilian energy fueled by hops, trans-fats and sheer boredom. That's right, Pittsburgh Steelers football is here once again. All glories due to Allah.

To quickly bring everyobdy up to speed, last season the Steelers won the Super Bowl, definitively proving to the world that Pittsburgh is neither a boring city nor a dying city. All Pittsburghers were granted immortal life and sixty five cases of beer a piece. Every laid off steel worker got asked back to work. Upon punching in they were all given lap dances by former Channel 11 news team anchor Julie Bologna. Dogs shit Clark Bars. The sidewalks shoveled themselves.

In the seven-odd months since Super Bowl XL, Jerome Bettis of Detroit, Michigan retired, Big Ben mashed his whole self up in a senseless motorcycle accident, the Steelers drafted chronically incarcerated receiver Santonio Holmes, rumors of Bill Cowher's exodus began to swirl, Rolling Rock's brewery moved to New Jersey...and nobody gave a flying fuck. The Steelers won the Super Bowl. Let me repeat that. The Steelers won the Super Bowl.

But now it's back to business. The moment the Steelers start playing ball with the Dolphins on September 7th, the Super Bowl means nothing. That sickly, visceral "oh no" that accompanies a Kordell Stewart or Tommy Maddox duck doesn't just go away because we assumed our rightful place in the "lig." Last time I checked, guys who watched all four Super Bowls in the 70s would still pee themselves a little over a pre-season interception.

In Pittsburgh, a town where drag queens can diagram zone blitzes and housewives get kicked out of bars for physically assaulting Browns fans, we are in for another season of irrationality. So, over the next month, me and noixe will tell you everything you don't need to know about the Steelers- everything from Max Starks' throwback collection to Troy Polamalu's secret pregame Sparks ritual.

One for the...other ring finger.

noixe adds...
Greetings Deadspin readers. what it does? I'd like to thank my Mom and Optimus Prime for getting Just Sayin to where it is today. Anyways, if you like GW9K's ominous ramblings, you might also enjoy my thoughts on whether or not the stillers' 2007 season is being produced by a Hollywood studio.