Monday, August 14, 2006

Chris Fuamatu-Bout to-fall-out

This is the third installment in our Steelers season preview.
Before I put JS2000 locker room correspondant Young Lyle Alzado to the task of trying to put together the all-time Steelers all-name team, I decided that some ground rules were necessary. First, you can't be some dude who sauntered into training camp with a stupid name just to get on this list. That means that Stefan Fatsis will never be on the Broncos all-time name team.

Second, you don't have to be good, but this can't be a team made up entirely of no names. For example, Alvoid Mays picked off 2 passes in 1995- he's in. Conversely, Rick Strom, despite having a sister who was my summer camp counselor, only attempted 20 odd passes his whole Steelers career. Plus his name sucks, so he's out. Fred Foggie- also out.

Third, you only qualify based on your name. Nicknames don't work. That's like giving the "Best Congenital Deformity" award to somebody who lost a leg in a bus accident. Nobody's mom names them "Night Train." If nobody actually knows your first name (e.g. John Fuqua- who's that?), that counts.

Lastly, guys from before the Second World War are also out because everybody back then had a name like Peaches McGee, so it wouldn't really be fair. Plus, nobody knows who those guys are anyway. So without further ado, the
JS2000's All-Time Steelers All-Name Team:

QB: Bubby Brister, 1986-92. Sorry Big Ben, but this is really all Bubby's got.

RB: Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, 1998-2002. Easiest decision I ever made.

RB: Amos Bullocks, 1966. Punchline to several Cockney jokes.
WR: Louie Lipps, 1984-91. Once gave me an autograph in the East Liberty Phar-Mor.
WR: Frenchy Fuqua, 1970-76. Known for dressing like Rudy Ray Moore and his inadvertant role in the Immaculate Reception.
C: "Buzz" Nutter, 61-64. No first name listed in Steelers player database. A lot of innuendo possible here.
G: Carlton Haselrig, 1990-93. Yo Haselrig, better call up Alfonso Ribeiro and thank him for helping you make the team. Didn't play football until college.
G: Duval Love, 1992-94. Like Luther Vandross, only for football.
T: Tunch Ilkin, 1980-92. Tunch's mother was Ms. Turkey in 1950 (Didn't make that up).
T: Urban Henry, 1964. All dudes named Urban are funny.
TE: Mike Mularkey, 1989-91. Former Bills coach a likely candidate to be the first Steeler in space.

LB: Hardy Nickerson, 1987-92. One of my all-time favorite Steelers.

LB: Rod Breedlove, 1965-68. Not a fan of rubbers, this one.

LB: Gene Breen, 1965-66. Quilting machine.

LB: Rico Mack, 1993. Rico. Mack.
S: Myron "Boo" Bell, 1994-97, 2000-01. Second most famous Myron in Pittsburgh.
S: Tony Dungy, 1977-78. Mad grungy.
CB: Alvoid Mays, 1995. Retired from football in order to hold up supermarkets in West Virginia. Never quite good enough for the phrase "Avoid Mays" to catch on. Never quite good enough at football, that is.
CB: Willie Williams, 1993-96, 2004-present. Not that funny until you realize his name is William Williams.
DE: Brentson Buckner, 1994-96. Has a bizarre shoe kissing ritual memorialized in a TV commercial.
DE: Orpheus Roye, 1996-99. Lawrence Fishburn's Morpheus really just a cheap immitation of this spatially transcendant special teams ace. Used to delight Cope with his special teams wedge-busting.
DT: Kimo von Oelhoffen, 2000-2005. Known primarily for his knee-splintering hit on Carson Palmer. Known secondarily for his gentle loving touch.

Special Teams
K: Booth Lusteg, 1968. Managed to hit 8 of 20 field goals in '68. No wonder he only lasted a year in the Burgh.
P: Shayne Edge, 1996. Tried to run once and got tackled for a 16 yard loss. Career lasted four games.
Head Coach
Joe Bach. 1935-36, 52-53. Switched on Bach.

Honorable mention: All Samoan Steelers not included here, Bill Mackrides (would have included him if he had played more than 4 games), Bam Morris, Dick Shiner, Tee Martin (bonus points for being mentioned in a J-Live song), Max Kielbasa (best yinzer name ever but violated some of the central rules), John Henry Johnson, Ray May, Franco Harris, Rocky Bleier, Amos Zereoue

Note: For those of you who surfed in via a drop from our good friends over at the Yinzer Ministry of Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, hahyinzdoinn'at? Schween, don't be mean to Kerns.