Monday, July 31, 2006

Gotta git dis off ma cheeyist

I saw Miami Vice last night and I have some serious concerns. I had been expecting this movie to pretty much solve all of the problems plaguing the Middle East. Boy was I wrong. Yes the movie was a visual stunner, as advertised. However, the constant P, expressed as here as

P=[(Occurences of stunning visuals)(Shower sex scenes)]/(Unoriginal, formulaic cop movie plot devices)

was too low to lead the movie out of the Egypt of Michael Mann's presumptious hubris. Besides, Jamie Foxx has like half the screen time of Colin Farrell- how did you fuck that up? NYTimes critic A.O. Scott, who is so dismissive he would strike a child for making hackneyed home movies, gave a wholehearted thumbs up to this flick, but says that Farrell is a movie star "only in the sense that Dick Gephardt is president of the United States. " Without delving into Scott's elaboration, let's just say that Farrell sucks, and Scott is being drugged by a pro-Farrell faction of the IRA in order to temporarily paralyze his ability to form metaphors.

Like I said, the movie is a pretty artsy affair, and with a budget larger than that of the actual Miami Police Department (not making that up), they put together some super tight pans of crispy aqua seascapes and 5-o'clock shadow. Gong Li holds down the hot Asian chick role for which she was born to be typecast. The gunfights are rediculously real, right down to the sound of the particular weapons. They also have some Nazis, and, like you might expect, the Nazis don't win. Who doesn't like to see some Nazis get fucked up? I know an audience full of black people from West Philly sure does- somebody wishes they'd brought a foghorn.