Monday, July 31, 2006

Gotta git dis off ma cheeyist

I saw Miami Vice last night and I have some serious concerns. I had been expecting this movie to pretty much solve all of the problems plaguing the Middle East. Boy was I wrong. Yes the movie was a visual stunner, as advertised. However, the constant P, expressed as here as

P=[(Occurences of stunning visuals)(Shower sex scenes)]/(Unoriginal, formulaic cop movie plot devices)

was too low to lead the movie out of the Egypt of Michael Mann's presumptious hubris. Besides, Jamie Foxx has like half the screen time of Colin Farrell- how did you fuck that up? NYTimes critic A.O. Scott, who is so dismissive he would strike a child for making hackneyed home movies, gave a wholehearted thumbs up to this flick, but says that Farrell is a movie star "only in the sense that Dick Gephardt is president of the United States. " Without delving into Scott's elaboration, let's just say that Farrell sucks, and Scott is being drugged by a pro-Farrell faction of the IRA in order to temporarily paralyze his ability to form metaphors.

Like I said, the movie is a pretty artsy affair, and with a budget larger than that of the actual Miami Police Department (not making that up), they put together some super tight pans of crispy aqua seascapes and 5-o'clock shadow. Gong Li holds down the hot Asian chick role for which she was born to be typecast. The gunfights are rediculously real, right down to the sound of the particular weapons. They also have some Nazis, and, like you might expect, the Nazis don't win. Who doesn't like to see some Nazis get fucked up? I know an audience full of black people from West Philly sure does- somebody wishes they'd brought a foghorn.

pretzel logic

Owen Wilson kind of rules.

In response to accusations that You, Me and Dupree, Wilson's new movie about a houseguest who overstays his welcome (hello wackiness!) was inspired by "Cousin Dupree", a Steely Dan song about, um, a houseguest who overstays his welcome (hello jazz-rock!), Wilson had the following to say:

"I have never heard the song 'Cousin Dupree' and I don't even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, 'Hey 19.'" (credit)

Saturday, July 29, 2006

the boss

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So Port Of Miami leaked this week and it turns out "Hustlin" was sort of a red herring. Given "Hustlin," Port Of Miami should have been this gigantic major motion picture of an album. John Woo shit. Grenades. Not so, but it's cool. There's still gangsterism for days but Port sounds a lot more like the much-circulated "Blow," all space age Miami twilight, pimp reflections and Dre on the hook. And it's a better look for Ross anyways. Although establishing the fucking deal quite convincingly in the first line (a) of "Hustlin," no shortage of rappers work hard to convince the listener of their status. Real bosses such as Rick Rizzle have nothing to prove, skipping right past the street to the penthouse. Tracks like "Blow" and "Boss" conjure images of Rick Ross sitting around in a robe all day counting money, getting dome and, like, taking mad naps while Dre croons in the background. I usually hate sex jams (b), but somehow "Hit U From The Back" is my shit right now. The headsnaps aren't all soft ("White House," "I'm Bad," "Cross That Line"), but the soft shit is all way above average creampuffs (c).

My only big complaint (aside from the always regrettable presence of Jazze Pha (d) is that the "Hustlin" remix got tweaked. The original version went Jay-Jeezy-Ross and the new version switches Ross and Jay. Instead of a Jigga cosign/bonus post-retirement verse and a Ross feature (the main event at the end!), Ross goes first and Jay's rhymes don't hold the position.

But it's really whatever. I might even pay for this (after I buy Restless).

a) This is the most concise rapper mission statement since Ugly Duckling's "Fresh Mode."

b) White people fuck to trip-hop and indie rock. If I were to actually hear the phrase "hit you from the back" while doing that exact action, I would not be able to keep a straight face.

c) Them beard papa joints!

d) Let's be straight about it, dude sucks except when Ciara is involved.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Whoadie got crates- July Edition

Oh boy does Whoadie ever have crates this time. I have accrued so much good vinyl over the last few weeks, I am going to only give a cursory mention to some of it. For example, yard sales and 25 cent thrift store purchases have accounted for 2 Last Poets albums, The Al Green's Call Me, a much needed replacement copy of The Isley's Givin' it Back, a replacement of a Denroy Morgan 12" plus many many more. Behold my steez:

The Pentangle- The Pentangle (Reprise, 1968): Been looking for this one for a while. It was worth the wait. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Pentangle, they're basically Fairport Convention on steriods. Grade: A+

Main Source- Looking At The Front Door b/w Watch Roger Do His Thing 12" (Wild Pitch, 1990): Sealed, bitches!!!!!!!!!!! Grade: A+

Teddy Pendergrass- Life Is a Song Worth Singing (Philadelphia International, 1978): Teddy's second album. Features the bed-her-down anthem "Close the Door." Anybody who collects soul records and doesn't like TP is not worth your time. According to Eddie Murphy, Teddy "scares the bitches into likin' him. That nigga's crazy- throw your panties on the stage." Indeed. Grade: A

Tom Waits- Nighthawks at the Diner (Elektra/Asylum/Nonesuch, 1975): A must-have for anybody prone to hipster man-crushes, there really isn't anything bad to say about early Waits. In my present financial condition, I usually don't buy albums that I'm not going to spin, especially when they cost $10. But a super clean TW gets an economic exemption- a fact he'd probably appreciate for all the right reasons. This was his third album, and in my opinion this album represents the first appearance of the "Waits as Waits" caricature (see: "Get in a monkey-shit brown 57...I've had strange looking patty-melts at Norm's"). Not as good as Closing Time, but then again, what is? Grade: A- (minus for the price- canned ravioli for dinner)

Tuff Crew- She Rides the Pony b/w What You Don't Know 12"
(Warlock, 1988): A while back, my boy Lou told me that anybody in Philly who was young and paying attention in '88 would go nuts when Tuff Crew hits the speaker. With the way TC unleashes the 808s, Lou's probably right, but it seems nobody who was at the Khyber on Saturday when I dropped Rides the Pony was ever paying any attention, much less in '88. Fuckers. But the good news is DJ Too Tuff is back and Tuff Crew could have quite a resurgence if LA Kidd and Tone Love put their heads above ground. Grade: A

Cash Money and Marvelous- Play It Kool b/w Ugly People Be Quiet (Sleeping Bag Records, 1987): Another Philly classic. New school heads know it from the first Wake Up Show tape. Old school heads know it because they were given an everlasting refrain for hating on busted chicks. Like Too Tuff, Cash Money, the first inductee into the Technics DJ Hall of Fame is still doing shit in Philly. Not only that, he's my myspace friend, so we're, like, cool. By the way, noting that his myspace URL is "djcashmoney12," I wonder what was running through his head when he tried to get "djcashmoney" and found this guy. All the ugly people be quiet!!!!Grade: B (sleeve all busted)

Hott City- Ain't Love Grand b/w Feelin Love 12" (Butterfly, 1979): Feelin' Love- new secret weapon. Like The Percolator only not as, uh, you know. Grade: A

Wilson Pickett- Wilson Picket In Philadelphia (Atlantic, 1970): This album is a chance to hear Huff and Gamble's composing chops before their silk shirts started to affect their brains. Oh, and Wilson Pickett sings like Kim Jong Il golfs. Plus, if I'm broke, some internet dude in Britain will probably pay me $30 for it. Too bad he doesn't live in West Philly, with black people. Sucker. Grade: B

The Extra T's- E.T. Boogie 12" (Sunnyview, 1982): The track used to make Busta Rhymes' Dangerous. FHL Productions is perhaps the most underrated production outfit of all time. Instrumental B-side constitutes secret weapon #2. Some points deducted for condition. Grade: A-

James Brown- James Brown Plays James Brown Today & Yesterday (Smash, 1966): Bought this at a yard sale on 63rd St. from an old lady who was liquidating all her posessions in order to move to the retirement home, where there's sure to be relatively little Mashed-Potato-Jump-Back-Jack-See-Ya-Later-Alligator. There are so many JB albums like this, I can't say there's anything remarkable about it except for it's Jimmy Smith-esque feel. Probably the only one of Brown's albums with liner notes that say "Listen and dance to a fine swinging band." That's exactly what it is- organ groove swing versions of JB tracks with JB himself on the organ. Probably won't come off the shelf much, but it's a neat record. Big up to that British record nerd who might buy this one too. Grade: C+ (the plus is for the resale value)

Good grades this month. I'm the shit.

Extra points:
-Hot off the presses, reviews the new Roots record and declares that
shit's about to change.
-From one of my favorite blogs, Paul Lukas' "Uni Watch," a compilation of photos and video about Tsuyoshi Shinjo's insane antics (including scrolling LED belt buckle) at the Japanese All Star Game yesterday. Shinjo is a huge personality in Japan right now, and he does things like ride down through the roof on a sort of disco trapese in introductions. Whoa.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Crackheads don't want no Don Johnson VitaminWater!

A new, "Large-sized" edition of "Whoadie Got Crates" is in the works, that'll be manifest real real soon. Until then, here's some stuff I learned recently (a lot of it from, where I've been perusing the archives quite regularly):

-Mega-Churches are a bewildering, frightening racket.

-Here's somebody with a pessimistic outlook for the Steelers in '06. Let's get him.

-There is apparently a real estate agent in South Philly (at least according to a real estate sign I saw, if that can be taken as gospel) named Tony Mecca. I was gonna say "get this man a rap crew immediately!!" but after a little "research" I realized that Tony Mecca is in fact a musician as well as a real estate agent, and he appears to have been the leader of many (his word) "legendary" bands in Philadelphia that I have never heard of. Not as icy as once predicted.

-Surprising as it may sound, I had nothing to do with this: 10th and Wolf, a movie about the power struggle after the RICO conviction of South Philly's Little Nicky Scarfo, was shot in Pittsburgh. There's irony in there somewhere.

-Inspired by McSweeney's baseball roster of fictional serial killers, The Postmen drop an all-time baseball roster of rappers. Highlight: "[SS Kanye West's] infectious confidence would rub off well on a team. (Like Derek Jeter, only less gay.)"

-Everybody sing! "These are the people in my neighborhood, these are the people in my neighborhood!"

Thursday, July 20, 2006

drank university

Bun B f/ Pimp C, Young Jeezy and Z-ro - Get Throwed (rmx?)

Despite a headsmackingly dope Tom Petty sample (hi 8th grade!), Pimp C's new single "I'm Free" isn't that good. Neither was Southern Smoke 23. So I started thinking to myself: do I even like Pimp C?

But then I go and discover this video for "Get Throwed" with Pimp C's new verse tacked on the end. He rhymes while burning a hundred dollar bill. Wearing a jacket that says "Drank University."

Chad, I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

Bonus: Way Outdated UGK Site.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

It's so true that...

it makes me want to fucking vomit.

call the cops

Clipse f/ Slim Thug - Wamp Wamp (What It Do) which noixe explains the numerous text messages his friends will be getting for the next week at four in the morning saying only "WAMP WAMP." Hot creepy steel drums beat but the rhymes leave something to be desired, despite the "tight wad / pyrex is jewish" line. A lil too much hushed late-Jigga influence, not enough I'm making a bold statement clarity. Been a lot of that lately, notably on P and Mal's weak verse on the DJ Khaled album. We Got It For Cheap Vol. 3 will drop before Hell Hath No Fury and hopefully by that point they will have their impatience back and will no longer be rhyming like Funk Flex is listening. If not, well, there's always Sandman.

Forthcoming are thoughts about that Khaled album, Da Muzicianz and Sqad Up, but it's too damn hot to blog for too long.

In other news, this dude is rocking out with a melodica.

Friday, July 14, 2006

RIP Billy Dee

Frankly, I don't know how I missed this, but has a hell of a sports section. Case in point, peep their scathing critique of those awful New Era hats that make 10 year olds from Scarsdale look like they were raised in North Philly by parents with a cruel sense of humor. Furthermore, the article is written by somebody calling himself Pablo Goldstein.

Now, for the most racist thing I've heard in Philly for like 72 hours...A Northern Liberties community group has put a motion through the zoning board that bans 40s from being sold in that neighborhood. To quote: "In addition to Colt 45, the deal bans the sale of Crazy Horse, Old English 800, St. Ides and Silver Thunder, as well as other malt liquors in 40-ounce bottles, which it described as 'nuisance beers,' that are 'not consistent with an upscale image.'" I don't know if this accounts for growlers of raspberry double bock in excess of said amount, but I do know that the high-gravity beverage lobby is losing ground north of Vine Street. There are plenty of bad jokes I could make about the blackened catfish at Ortlieb's or putting Keith Haring labels on Slurricane to sneak by, but let me leave it at this: Billy Dee Williams is probably rolling over in his grave right now. What? He's not dead? The fuck he ain't!

Lastly, it's been a while since I dedicated any space here to shameless self promotion. So for all you 215ers, here goes:


DJ Apt One and Kenny Raw at Tech Support
The Bubble House (34th and Sansom)

Funk, soul, electro disco, hiphop etc etc.

$3. 10PM-2AM.

DJ Apt One at the Southern Comfort Music Experience
Limelight Lounge Second Stage, Penn's Landing, Festival Pier (Spring Garden St.)

Other acts include: The Flaming Lips, De La Soul, Ozomatli and locals Lord Flex and the A-Sides.

Free. My set 6:30-7.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Wrong address

Sometimes, an utterly perfect conception can go so horribly wrong (or 'orribly, for our British readership). T-Pain- heir to the Bootsy and Roger throne, P-Thug south- on a collabo with Mike Jones. I know this track's been out for a while, but I don't have cable and didn't get a chance to see the visual incarnation of "I'm In Love With a Stripper." I can appreciate the (unintentional) irony of Flashdance aesthetic and the sort of Rosario Dawson, girl-next-door stripper thing. But I don't know how I totally missed this before: this track is phoned the fuck in. The beat is straight Zelda in a bad way. T-Pain makes a lot of what I can only describe as musically poor choices. Mike Jones' verse...let's just leave it at "But I can't even lie, the girls in here so fly."That got me thinking, have we been giving too much leash to some careers set off in the last year or so? That shit just flew by me and I didn't even notice. Not only has Mike Jones made the track "I'm In Love With a Stripper," but he has also made it possible (according to his website) to "call" him at 281-330-8004 or IM him at WHO2813308004. I was all like "Mike, this shit is gettin way out of hand. Remember when you used to wile out guesting on people's shit and all you ever did was talk about drank?" I tried to call Mike Jones to sort this all out, but nobody picked up.

All this is enough to make a man totally forget he has a buffalo chicken hoagie in the fridge. So I took a little break, put on the Teddy Pendergrass LP I just copped and tried to sort this out over a sandwich. Then I realized, I can't get mad at MJ. He knows where he's been::

By the way, who is
this Mike Jones?

Monday, July 10, 2006

We some headbussas Part Deux


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Friday, July 07, 2006

Things are exprrroding in my brain!

While I'm busy stupidly attempting to craft meaningful blog entries more deserving of the cutting floor of The New Yorker for Dummies, I suppose I should bless all of you loyal reader(s) with some real, useful information. Actually, before I do so, I'd like to relate the fact that even unproductive blogging makes it really difficult to schedule dental appointments or shop for groceries. Instead, it compels one to blither about nonsense while listening to Lou Reed album sides twice in a row. OK OK, here goes:

There are some movies worth seeing that are going to become manifest in the not too distant future (not counting Snakes on a Plane and Miami Vice). I will now tell you things about them you could probably figure out for yourself:

-First off, there's the long awaited, highly anticipated Borat movie, Borat. It's pretty much impossible to attempt to replicate the Sasha Baron Cohen genius in a controlled environment, like he attempted in Da Ali G Movie. So in this one, they go with the standard bumbling-idiot-exposes-American-prejudices routine which works so well. OK, so they appear to just recycle the 4 or 5 jokes which comprise the entire breadth of the Borat sketches on Da Ali G Show, but frankly, this can't go wrong. Wawaweewa. Release: Nov. 06.

-Next we have Once in a Lifetime, which attempts to piggyback on any remaining World Cup fever by telling a story of the New York Cosmos. They were cool and all, but I think this movie really exaggerates their importance in American culture at the time (Pele excepted). The trailer gives me the impression that the movie pivots on unscrupulous behavior by Giorgio Chinaglia. The whole corrupt Italian footballers theme may make the film slightly more germaine in light of current scandals, but I doubt this will go anywhere, despite its strong reviews. I guess I'll watch it in case Franz Beckenbauer gets coked out with Elton John. Release: July 7th, 06 (Today)

Tiempos Extras:
-Even before Port of Miami has even hit the shelves (Aug 1st), el jefe Rick Ross's Hustlin' has gone ringtones. Your boy got a gold celly in a plaque. Let's just say the entire universe is on his dick right now. Dude could bring peace to the middle east if he so chooses. Welcome to the new century.

-And, courtesy of a tip from deadspin, I present to you a glorification/subversion of everything I stand for:

travelin man

I got a lot to do.

Off to the 314 tomorrow to clean my old house, recover my bike and go kick it with, among other heads, Trackstar. The kid is, as usual, making all types of moves and to detail them here would not do them justice. At the very least, peep Family Affair, the first artist on Track and Tech's label, Real Nice Records*. Dude will be spinning at Halo tomorrow night and you can probably find me there at some point.

Included on this weekend's de facto soundtrack...

Ya Boy - 100 Bars

I realized why I like Ya Boy so much, and it's the same reason I like JR Writer. I'm really into good punchline rappers who take themselves entirely too seriously. Not like dudes who truly are pushing limits and are fully aware of the deal. I'm talking above-average emcees with good lines who rap with a swagger like they are the second coming of Rakim. This is a tough style to maintain because you have to be consistantly good without being innovative. Rappers like Papoose and 40 Cal** who take themselves incredibly seriously but just aren't that good, well, they're just kind of sad. Anyways, this is Young Ya Beezy on some it-don't-stop cypher shit over "G Thang."

Motion Man f/ Mistah FAB - I Crack Tall Ones

From the upcoming Pablito's Way. Motion is like a slightly more normal version of Kool Keith, with the same you're-laughing-with-him-but-he's-not-laughing steez that has him rapping earnestly about needing a vacation and then about cold pimpin (to wit, check his collab as Clifton Santiago with Kool Keith aka Keith Televasquez on Black Elvis). Motion also rocks Keith-inspired 1989-ish rhymecentric tracks; his 2001 debut, Clearing the Field, had joints called "Straight Flowin On Em" and "We Work Styles***" (with Keith).

Clearing the Field also had a collaboration with E-40 ("Reason 2 Panic") back when the only emcees fuckin with 40 were those trying to get on compilations with Pen and Pixel covers****. Motion is a Yay Area dude and thus we get Mistah FAB showing up and rapping like it's 1998 on the back end of this malt anthem. Not that the ubiquitous Fabby Davis would turn down a chance to rap on anything, but I like how he brings that Wake-Up Show flow instead of his stewie yadadamean scraper remix style. Too $hort shows up too, on some Ant Banks-esque cadillac shit circa 1992.

Pablito's Way is dropping this month (?) on Threshold.

The Federation - I Wear My Stunna Glasses At night

Check this track, Catchdubs and Ayres's "Tell Me When To Go" B-more remix and the "Husslin" remix and you pretty much have the last four months of blog rap covered. Is this stupid? Yeah. Will I spin in the next three months without playing this? Hell no.

Side note, as rappers, The Federation are growing on me. I always liked Doonie***** but Stressmatic's "matic-matic" catchphrase isn't getting as old as I thought it was. The first Federation album was like snorting crushed up lines of Spree and cocaine, but if dudes mellowed out a tiny bit, they might have a 7 or an 8 in their reach. We'll see.

Maze - Travelin Man

Because it's the fucking jam.


*a resurrected form of the label Track and I failed to launch a couple years ago, its only legacy being a grip of unused stickers and some website drama, which is why there's no link.

**40 Cal needs to think in terms of quantity, not quality. There's a lot of potential there and lines like "I make your father cop like Carl Winslow" and "if you flip like T-Mobile, I can make you a Sidekick" are genuinely nice, the kind of shit Big L would be spitting were he still alive and rapping about crack (I got my own theories about where L would be and what this would mean for Harlem/Dipset, but that's for another post), but too many of 40's punchlines are on some "my gun bigger than (large object)" or something equally inane.

***I was originally just gonna write that these tracks have names like "we work styles" or some shit, but then did the knowledge and realized that track actually exists.

****Back when I got shit for playing "1-Luv" on my college radio show because it was "commercial rap," so I stole the fucking record. Let em know mayne.

*****Does anybody rep where they used to live harder than Doon Coon? Dude's always talking about how he's from Alabama. Maybe they give him shit for reppin the Bay when he wasn't born there.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

ever since I was a snot-nose

Granted, yes, you don't want your kid to have a tragic, career-ending injury that truncates his/her possible all-star career into TecmoBowl fame only, or an embarassing testimony before congress which would later peg him/her as a disgraceful hypocrite. But these Rated Rookie and Future Star shirts are still ill. If I had kids, they would be a great way for me to project my own longing for my lost youth and innocence onto them.

GW9K: give the people some draft analysis because for damn sure I can't do it.