Friday, June 30, 2006

the liberal media

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In case you missed it, our supreme court smacked the small hoodie dudes running the country upside the head yesterday, on some "the fuck is wrong with yall" shit. Awesome.

And what's on the cover of AMNY, new york's ambiguous, widely circulated free morning paper?

SUBWAY SERIES!
FIREWORKS!

--

Geto Boys - "Fuck A War" (sf rework)

I threw this together last week because I felt it was important for the world's dj's to be playing a song who's hook is "i aint goin to war for no shit talkin president."

Also, Gitmo has a website. Don't get too excited, it's design is circa 1999, so no waterboarding flash animations.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Oh shit, you got...

knocked the fuck out!! You too Danzig!

P.S. Does anybody else think Kimbo Slice looks like a hirsute, blingless hybridization of Mr. T and JS2000 totem Rick Ross?

P.P.S. Can anybody confirm or deny the rumors of a short lived engagement between The Game and Valeisha Butterfield, movie extra and daughter of US Representative G.K. Butterfield (who looks absolutely fucking terrible)? This can't possibly be true, but I like where this is going.

stillers on film


you already know what it is.

Much hoo-hawing and ballyhooing has been and will be done about whether or not the NBA or the NFL or any other professional sport is rigged, but the evidence that a Hollywood production company is making a documentary-style sports sequel out of the 2007 Steelers looks conclusive.

There could have been a whole movie made about the '06 Steelers, no doubt. Actually, it would have been so cliche that no studio would buy it. Our coach, the iconic Bill Cowher, has the longest running coaching position in football. The big names on our team were an Aryan golden boy, a scrappy underdog who overcame great odds to get where he is today, and Troy Polamalu, a friendly but two-dimension minority*. Our city is a down-trodden blue collar place with an unbreakable spirit. We even lost a beloved, possibly drunk, rambling announcer last year, taking with him his many catch phrases. And I won't even speak on the almost inane perfection of Bettis's retirement. There were even intriguing sub-plots, with Polamalu and Carson Palmer being old roommates and Kimo von Oelhoffen an ex-Bengal, among many others.

But all things considered, cliches are cliches for a reason and bad sports movies aim to do very little other than polish and edit the average Cinderella story into something marketable. In the real world, Cinderellas often become dynasties, or at least formidable opponents for years ahead. That story is real boring and continuously contending for the championship while maintaining newfound respect does not fill your neighborhood Loews. To maintain interest, the sports sequel becomes a perfect and unlikely storm of collapse.

Bettis' retirement is the first piece in the puzzle. It's no surprise to see the veteran retire. It's what he's supposed to do once he's gotten that ring/trophy/t-shirt that he's been fighting for his entire career. With his folksy blue-collar charm added to the NBC broadcast team and an inevitable open invitation to every battle in the wide world of pro bowling, it would seem The Bus's days on the gridiron are over**.

Roethlisberger's accident is where the real fun starts. In one illegal left turn, our young hero suddenly endangered the hopes and dreams of an entire city. It would be just tragic if he had died, or had suffered injuries detrimental to football. Ben's injuries, the most serious of which is a broken jaw (cue "Through the Wire" recovery montage), are not expected to keep him off the field. The accident did, however, raise questions about his maturity and his decision-making, which will affect his play. Jump-cuts between Ben in the pocket and the accident (or, better yet, Ben actively deciding he doesn't need a helmet to ride to practice) cause him to throw a costly interception. The press jumps on him, especially Joe Pantoliano, starring as a nosey and antagonistic reporter for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. To make matters worse, his irresponsible crash also reveals a wild side which betrays his Christ-loving morals; will he succomb to temptation in the form of Evangeline Lily***?

Now add to the equation the recent legal troubles of Santonio Holmes, this year's first-round draft pick. Grabbed to replace Plaxico Burress and give the Steelers a legitimate deep threat they so desperately need, Holmes looked like a perfect fit. Drafting him was the easy part; Holmes's rough upbringing and disregard for authority prove a formidible challenge for Coach Cowher. Things get off to a bad start, as Santonio annoys the Coach by showing up late for practice and bumping Project Pat**** in the weight room. His legal troubles don't help, even though Holmes swears he was only trying to protect his son from Meagan Good, his hateful baby mama.

I really think I'm on to something, and I bet it wouldn't take too much detective work to trace a line from Martha Fleishman to some deep pockets in California. Just sayin. Oddly enough, the '05 season looked pretty D2-ish. I'm not sure how the powers that be could improve on the mid-season injuries, football atrocities and stomach-turning loss to Cincinnati at which point all seemed lost. To say nothing of the wild card 6th seed run to the superbowl. I guess we'll see.

--

*no dispespect to That Samoan Dude, but he drives a Kia, sends all his money back home to his family, and only gets mad when he's on the field. Totally scripted.
**they're not, and when a heart attack puts Coach Cowher up in ICU, The Bus has to step in to lead the team to victory. Duh.
***of course not, even when tempted by a whipped cream bikini in a nod to the groundbreaking Varsity Blues.
****produced by Academy Award Winners Juicy J and DJ Paul.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Woulda rocked the bells, but I'm more comfortable in straightlegs


"I am sick of the masquerade that indie hip-hop has become. This movement went from being a viable alternative to the genocidal garbage American media manufactures to a precious little copy of everything that is wrong with its AIDS infected big brother-commerical rap."

My long-time friend, musical colleague and roomate Dos Noun has decided to hang up his Nikes and quit the rap game. This is according to
undergroundhiphop.com and a lengthy missive on his myspace blog lamenting the impact of underground rap's down cycle on his career and the unrequited sweat he has poured into his ceaseless touring and recording over the last several years. This all coincides with the cancellation of the remainder of his tour. Dos hasn't returned to Philly, although I know he will be here to perform with me at the SOCO festival July 16th with De La Soul - indicating that at most, he's a lame duck. I wouldn't deign to divulge the more personal aspects of Dos' personality which serve to buttress my opionion, but I won't hesitate to say that I don't think the rap world has seen the last of Daniel Buckley Meussig (and vice versa). That being said, I'd still watch out for the rapper-cum-neo-Bukowski in hardcover.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

I'm real, shit is real, shit is mad real

Ballin out all over the east coast, we are. Philadelphyinz w/ DJ Apt One tonite at the Khyber in Philly and Skinny (a.k.a. DJ Mango Scrub) Friedman at Layla Lounge in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Big what whats all around.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Substantially less ice than Alaska

That was embarrasing.

P.S. WTF?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

More ice than alaska

With the International Fucked Up Haircut Festival well into it's second week, it just keeps getting better. West Philly may burn to the ground now that Ivory Coast has been eliminated, but a certain 46th Street Spaniard is still holding out hope for his side. The pundits have started rendering verdicts. Even the Hindustan Times has weighed in on the festivities.

Now I know Noixe already learned you on some Clint Dempsey shit, but did you know that he can(not) freestyle? Watch the new world order get totally exposed as Deuce proves incapable of spittin' about anything other than football. To his credit, he does pronounce chest like "cheeyist." To his discredit, listening to Deuce rap is like eye surgery in comparison to watching the US get donkey punched by the Czechs. Before that video crossed my path, I was starting to have visions of soccer's coming pop culture relevance. But this strikes me as one of those moments where, in a stunning detente, a main character in a film turns out to be a robot with a fatal malfunction. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

-The top ten goals in World Cup History, as voted on by a FIFA website poll in 2002, in a youtube stylee with some help from JS2000 intern Dennis Coles, back from an AWOL stint in Lower Manhattan:

1. Diego Maradona (Argentina), 1986 World Cup vs England 18,062 votes -- a run across half the pitch, duping the whole English defense
2.
Michael Owen (England), 1998 World Cup vs Argentina 10,631 votes -- a counter across half the pitch, duping several Argentinian defenders finished by a spectacular diagonal cross over the goalkeeper
3.
Pelé (Brazil), 1958 World Cup vs Sweden 9,880 votes - a lob over a Swedish defender followed by a precise volley shot past the goalie
4.
Diego Maradona (Argentina), 1986 World Cup vs Belgium 9,642 votes
5.
Gheorghe Hagi (Romania), 1994 World Cup vs Colombia 9,297 votes
6.
Saeed Owairan (Saudi Arabia), 1994 World Cup vs Belgium 6,756 votes
7.
Roberto Baggio (Italy), 1990 World Cup vs Czechoslovakia 6,694 votes
8.
Carlos Alberto (Brazil), 1970 World Cup vs Italy 5,388 votes
9. Lothar Matthäus (Germany), 1990 World Cup vs Yugoslavia 4,191 votes

10. Enzo Scifo (Belgium), 1990 World Cup vs Uruguay 2,935 votes


The Matthäus goal, and many other choice ones without their individual videos (Cruyff, Bergkamp etc.,), can be found on
this BBC top 10. Or, if you prefer, you can peep some of the World Cup's greatest...Japanese style.

In non-football (Philly) related news...

-This one's a breaking piece: Making like Mel Gibson in Forever Young, DJ Too Tuff from Tuff Crew is apparently back in Philly after a 15-odd year hiatus. Not only that, he's picked up the wax again. It was just a few months ago that everybody thought he was dead, but now he's got a myspace page featuring a tribute from Cosmo Baker oozing with child-like awe. I didn't grow up in Philly, so I don't really understand, but if the ramblings of drunk-ass old heads from Philly deserve creedence, I can't front in the least. Not too late to make "My Part of Town" the retro summer jam. Catch DJ Too Tuff tonight at Tritone for his official re-jump-off. I won't be there, but I'm sure it will be a memorable scene.

-More on the Beanie front: Word has it that his most recent dustup was no robbery, it was some payback- at least if you believe the Philly Weekly's hard hitting crime investigation.

-He who smelt it dealt it: Joey Sweeney (of all people) cries foul about the "myth" of trust fund hipsters in a laughingly tardy attempt at a pre-emptive strike.

-In what has become perhaps the stalest recurring story on this blog, Geno's Joe Vento added a quilted square of red to his technicolor xenophobic dreamcoat. Rick Santorum, the biggest shithead in the state, paid a friendly visit to Geno's the other day. No word as to whether HJs were exchanged.

Monday, June 19, 2006

big bang baby


it's a gas gas gas

The Big Bang actually turned out pretty good. There's a lot to like here. I don't expect much lyrically from the dude, but he earns his check on "Legend of the Fall Offs," an excessively vivid--what with the shovel-in-the-ground snare and the buried alive screaming at the end--depiction of the end of a career. "The Ghetto" has some good lines too, but that tracks more about Rick James on the hook. A lot of good cameos here, with Raekwon's nonchalant brilliance on "Goldmine" and Nas actually making lyricism intriguing again on "Carried Away." Oh and Stevie fucking Wonder is on a track too. We also get the old but cute "I Love My Bitch" with Kelis, the sleepy but triumphant "New York Shit" (also old), and the future-throwback "Get Down." I could do without Missy hooks about her coochie, as her hook for "How We Do It" sounds like a Peaches track.

Notably absent is Papoose, given how Bussa Bus's big plan for New York revitalization relied heavily on DJ Raedawn's arch enemy. Actually Flipmode is entirely absent, save the constant reminders that Flipmode is the squad. But Nas and Rae really do make a good case for NY not needing any new talent. Between "Goldmine," assorted mixtapes joints and his sublime verses on Fishscale, Rae's been on fire lately. Not too excited about more Dre beats though; the squeaky clean Dilla steelo is barely cuttin it here, although having all of G-Unit and Busta and Raekwon (if he signs to Aftermath) over those same loud, trebly off-beat snares will at least be a step towards that unity I was talking about.

--

Mr. Lif also has a new album out, and it's called Mo' Mega. It's been a long time since I actually liked an underground rap album, but this has been in constant rotation for the last two weeks. I, Phantom was my favorite album of 2003, but I was also an unrepentant backpackish dude back then, and when I revisited it a couple months ago, I was surprised how pretentious it was. Well, so was Lif, I guess, because Mega is like a much more digestable version of the aesthetic established on his first album. All the paranoia, doubt and urban dystopic themes, none of the tedious plotlines or board games. I did enjoy the video that had Fakts One scratching in an elevator, but still, it was all a bit much.

Let's back that up. There was a flash board game for I, Phantom. It was called Devolution. For serious.

Anyways, Mo' Mega is thankfully just a solid, reasonably short, very enjoyable underground rap album. Mostly produced by El-P, save the token silly track produced by Edan and featuring MURS. And very little whining about "real hip-hop" or anything similar.

--

Clipse put out a video for "Mr. Me Too"*. Does anybody else get the feeling Pharrell is getting bored? Is it actually fun for him to rap when all he's doing is reciting his Black Card receipt or last night's text messages? Nobody in the game has less to prove than Skateboard P. That all being said, this video is dumb hot, although I don't advocate cooking up crack on the beach. I mean, dude, where are you going to get the gas for that stove?

--

I also got around to listening to Killa Season, and I thought it was pretty good, but then I listened to Purple Haze again and really just felt sad. Compare 40 Cal's intro to Santana's spotlight track, "More Gangsta Music." Santana says "ay!" 77 times. 40 Cal brags about ridin around with Olivia. In a few short years, Dipset went from outsider rap brilliance to kickin it with suspected transexuals. Cam still tears no shortage of tracks apart and there's a JR Writer solo track, but there's also a lot of Hell Rell and that awful Jay-Z diss track. It's sad. Possibly more on this later.

--

And some links.

-Noam Chomsky speaks at West Point. Our country still kind of rules, even in the absolute worst of times.

-McNeil-Lehrer NewsHour-themed 3rd birthday party. The cutest thing you will see all day.

-DJ E-Nygma - Want You Back On The Grind

-Deuce (aka US World Cup team member Clint Dempsey) f/ HAWK (RIP) - "D on't Tread". Also check out dude doing the Young Joc dance on the field.

-and I almost forgot "Downriver". Aboriginal Big Bank Hank-inspired kid-hop? Yezzir.

*thanks better than yours for the link; it can no longer be found at youtube because, well, them crackers, yet again, weren't playin fair at Jive.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Like a newborn fuckin baby

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Whoadie got crates, June Edition

I got a whole bunch o' jawns the last few weeks, more than I care to find links for and talk about. So I'll keep my ramblings confined to my purchases this past weekend at Jerry's:

Patsy Cline's Greatest Hits (Decca- 1967): The ill retrospective, great condition. Contains Willie Nelson's Crazy, Bob Wills' Faded Love and classics like Walking After Midnight (The number one most played juke box hit of all time, I am told) and I Fall to Pieces. Personally I bought it for the beautiful honky-tonkish piano on Back in Baby's Arms and the lyrical brilliance of Hank Cochran's She's Got You.
Grade: A

The Extra T's "Flash Boogie" (Sunnyview-1983, 12"): Kind of Harold Faltermyer-ish, but I'm a sucker for Sunnyview electro and vocoder. Has some dub-style delay effects too. The instrumental doesn't have any fancy tricks in it though. A tight record but a little sluggish. This record also seems to have been the product of an English Sunnyview subsidiary called Precision (PRT), which I've never seen (or noticed) before.
Grade: C

Mtume "Juicy Fruit" LP (Epic/CBS- 1983): Don't ask me how I managed to go so many years without owning this. Classic.
Grade: A

Depeche Mode "Personal Jesus" b/w "Dangerous" (Sire- 1989, 12" Maxi Single, US version): I've been trying to find a copy of Violator without any cat pee on it for a while now, and so far this is as close as I've come. This has the 7" mix of Personal Jesus and a few remixes that foreshadow the coming of the Chill Rob G era of pop house music (e.g. the "Pump Mix"). I actually almost bought Chill Rob G's The Power this weekend, but I really don't think that fruit is ripe yet. This was a utility purchase- I needed that song.
Grade: B

The Stanley Brothers and the Clinch Mountain Boys Sing the Songs They Like Best (King-Starday/Gusto- 1975): Although this record doesn't really have any of my favorite Stanley Brothers tracks, you can't front on Ralph and Carter, on account of them pretty much running shit in the bluegrass department for like 30 years. While the fare here is softer than their earlier material, which laid out elaborate death metaphors and inspired most of the "O' Brother Where Art Though" old-timey revival, the Stanleys still rock the tin grillz, figuratively speaking. They have a nice rendition of the Flatt and Scruggs standard Mountain Dew which transports the old school flavor right to your domepiece area.
I have to think that this is a re-release (or belated release), because Carter Stanley died in fourteen years before the release date, but is mentioned as having "really enjoyed recording [this album]" in the liner notes. There is an album with a similar title released in '61 as King 772, while this is King-Starday 772. As an aside, Ralph Stanley still performs with the Clinch Mountain Boys, and now has a "Dr." on the front of his name. They have a new stage show called "Wipe Yo Feets."
Grade: B

Pointer Sisters- "Retrospect" LP (MCA- 1981): Another utility purchase- this time for Yes We Can by Allen Toussaint. This album covers the stuff they did from 73-75 on the Blue Thumb Label. I'm not usually one for greatest hits albums, but I frankly had no idea of the breadth of stuff they did at that time- funky stuff, Duke Ellington stuff, Brazilian-influenced northern funk stuff, country-ish stuff and a bunch of old-timey rag stuff. A quick recounting of the writing credits really says it all: Toussaint, Stevie Wonder, Duke Ellington, Billy Strayhorn, Taj Mahal, Dizzy Gillespie and Isaac Hayes. Not bad. The record is in great shape because it appears to have once belonged to the Carnegie Library.
Grade: A

Bobby Jimmy and the Critters- "Big Butt" (RapSur- 1985): Whoa. Now this is some shit. OK, so take a group with a name more befitting of a Squidbillies bar band and make em lisp-rap the following lyrics over a more-or-less empty 808 beat:

"I like to drive my car but my butt's too wide
My car's the one that needs to decide
I was drivin down the street to the picture show
With my butt hangin out the car window
My butt's real big, I don't care
I ride the bus they charge me double fare
I got a big butt, a big butt (repeat 4x)"

The record is in awful shape, probably not spinnable. Had to cop it, for obvious reasons.
Grade:B

I also copped a super special track that I intend to make my secret weapon in the clubs for the next few weeks, so I will describe it only as a psych-soul hit we all know and love... vocoded.

BIG BEN UPDATE
If you are dumb enough to get your news from this blog, here's a Big Ben update for you as of noon Tuesday. All of his facial and head fractures were repaired, no other major bodily injury (spine, brain, knees etc.,) By the way, the photo at right is in fact a picture of a tailgating vigil that is under way outside Mercy Hospital in Uptown. To get an idea of the mass hysteria in Pittsburgh, just go to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's site and notice the 48-point headlines and motorcycle accident-related feature stories and photo galleries.

The story made the front page of the Philadelphia Inquirer this morning, but in the context of a coming contentious re-evaluation of state helmet laws. I almost thought that Philly was about to recognize Pittsburgh (in a Palestine/Israel sense) for a moment there.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Negative yoi

Four hundred thousand people were seriously injured in a motorcycle accident today.

I was in Pittsburgh this morning, watching the US get picked apart by the Czech's at the World Cup when my father came in from some errands and laid the news on me. Big Ben had his knot rocked in a bike crash. And, as had been the subject of previous controversy, he wasn't wearing a helmet. It couldn't have been ten minutes past noon, so the news was about an hour old. Apparently, the intersection where the crash occured (2nd and the 10th St. Bridge, outside the Armstrong Tunnels) was awash with royal blood and thronged with anxious spectators, according to G. Ryin. His head had made a massive dent in the windshield of the offending vehicle. As I am writing this, his condition has been described as "serious but stable."


If BB7's injuries are in fact debilitating, I can't help but think this may be a defining moment in the annals of Steelers fandom. The wunderkind leads the Steelers to the elusive promised land and then exits the stage as explosively as he had entered. Keep in mind he doesn't have to lose a leg for this to end his career- a serious concussion could do the trick (see: Troy Aikman, Steve Young, etc.,). He could merely miss a period longer than 7 weeks, resulting in mandated salary and signing bonus forfeiture and a fractured relationship with the team.


I suppose it's too early to speculate what the future has in store for BB7 and the 'Lers, but I'm flying my freak flag at half staff for the time being.

our very own barbaro

rather than asking why, let's just remember the good times.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

cash rules



Ray Cash f/ T.I., Pimp C, Project Pat and Young Dro - Bumpin My Music remix
Young Cash f/ Paul Wall - Disco Ball

Pixburghers such as myself (and GW9K) are hard pressed to ride for anything from Cleveland. Ohio is pushing it, but while I will reluctantly give Cincinnati and Columbus their propers, I hate on Cleveland like Joey Porter hates on Todd Heap's knee. So let that emphasize how much I like the remix of Cleveland rapper Ray Cash's "Bumpin My Music."

For all the recent talk of swagger (and its subsequent jacking), Cash is adament and proud of being humble. Having an homage-fest as your big single makes that point clearly. The remix is even more humble. Dude goes first, playing the opening act for his own song, then the track ends with T.I. I like this a lot; Cash is a knock-off T.I., with the limber phrases and expressive enunciation, but without Tip's emotional and dynamic range. Having T.I. come in at the end and break down his philosophy of rap, complete with fatherly words of advice ("Cleveland gotta have your back!") is almost like Cash acknowledges where he got his flow. Now that's humble. Plus the real-time reference to "What U Know" and Chad and Pat's fresh from lock-down verses gives this remix the always welcome time capsule status.

Cash On Delivery drops later this month, I believe, and should have guest spots from Dipset and Beanie Sigel. I'm intrigued.

On the other side of the quality scale, we have Young Cash's "Disco Ball." Man it's been a long strange trek from Gravediggaz to where we are now. Gold teeth used to be this real gully form of jewlery, with all the flossiness, but with the added permanence and social rebellion of a tattoo (at least until Nas told us you can take them out, which one should do before enjoying a blunt). Then it became some unintelligable southern tradition. You could barely understand anything Juvenile said when he first broke through, and those sparse Cash Money videos cataloguing something--anything?--going on in the slums of New Orleans were so mysterious that you had to be missing something. Whatever you were missing probably explained why he thought it was a good idea to have platinum teeth. As the south kept pumping out stars, gold teeth started making sense as an aesthetic, but a few years ago, it would have seemed downright absurd that this southsploitation joint (peep the harmonicas) could have possibly existed.

We owe this great step forward to The People's Champ himself. Even when Lil Jon's icy grill was plastered all over MTV, suffice to say no matter how packed the strip club was, nobody to look like him, let alone his goofy-ass sidekicks. But then Paul Wall comes along, yadda yadda yadda, Brooke Hogan has a grill.

Yeah, his mouth looks like a disco bawwwwl.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

ass cheeks revisited

christmas in june.

Venny Outrageous - "Ass Cheeks On My White Tee"

i just pick a porsche



Ty Cobb f/ Rick Ross and Bun B - "On My Grind"
Rick Ross - "Nike Airs and Crisp Tees"
Rick Ross - "Poppin My Collar freestyle"

More thoughts on Rick Ross.

See back in the "golden ages," as any number of Swedish dudes will tell you, people cared about lyrics and lyricism was important. But then rapping about rapping got a little boring, and this was more or less the time people noticed they were making rap in places that weren't New York or LA. And they realized that rappers from Texas, Louisiana, Florida and many many other places had great ways of replacing lyricism--not always, but sometimes--with things like emotion and what we now know to be called swagger. Nowadays, there's all kinds of ways to be a good rapper. And Rick Ross has invented a new one.

See, the absolutely brilliant thing about Rick Ross is that he sounds like he's not even trying. Not that he's not taking himself a little bit seriously. But that he just stumbled upon the opportunity to spit. He raps like he's doing a soundcheck for his boy's brand new studio. As Shoals put it, his steez is basically, "oh you want me to rhyme?"

It's no accident that his star is rising right now. It's the result of a sort of perfect storm, the aligning of three elements.

1) He's from Miami.
Everything I've heard him on is real slow. Slow enough for anyone to freestyle over.

2) He raps in a post-Cam'ron/Juelz world.
Thus rhyming yayo with yayo, and then again with yayo is perfectly acceptable.

3) 'Ross' rhymes with 'boss'.
This is probably why he started rhyming in the first place.

Combine these three key elements and you get a style based loosely around rhyming the same word very slowly until a witty line comes to mind. Pause dramatically after every line to consider your options. In emergency situations, remind the listener that you are Ricky Ross, and you are the fucking boss.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Here come the hot sauce

As a follow up to last week's World Cup "preview," we asked Dennis Coles, Just Sayin' 2000's summer intern, to put together some actual research on this year's final so that we could represent ourselves a little better. Dennis bailed after lunch and went to Canal St., so as a result JS2000 presents the irreverent IM syntax World Cup wig preview:

2:00 PM Noixe: http://football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,,720957,00.html
2:01 PM GentleWhoadie9000: yo, re: that site. ronaldo had the dumbest fucking hair last cup. just cause you're ill at what you do doesn't give you a right to wear a merkin on your dome

2:02 PM Noixe: yeah but some of those african dudes are the most famous people in their country
they can do whatever the fuck they want
they probably command the entirety of, like, the ivory caost to rock that shit
2:03 PM GW9K: that's true. but then again, those are countries where 15 year olds in blood diamond armies wear "Frankie Says Relax" shirts while they fire their AKs. some perspective
2:04 PM Noixe: so then how can you blame em for rocking merkins on their domepieces
their predicate status is irrelevant
2:06 PM GW9K: it just blows my mind when countries have national icons that look like they just got hazed by a lacrosse team
2:07 PM i would kind of like to see ronaldo with an emo cut, tho
Noixe: our national icons all look like they just robbed somebody
GW9K: like katie couric?
2:08 PM Noixe: totally
GW9K: in her triple x white tee with a big silk screen of her own grill on it
Noixe: and her homemade Trap or Die jacket
2:09 PM GW9K: big drank stain on it
By the way, the Beer Money Mixtape is still available for copping etc. Grab dat shit:
Part 1.
Part 2.
Part 3.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Used to have a fake arm. I lost it.

Let's play "Ask the internet":

-For anybody who wore their socks high in Pony League, recognize the real: ESPN Page 2's UniWatch column is
now a daily blog. If you're image-conscious enough to care about Cam's outfits and you're into sports, Paul Lukas provides a must-read.

-Have you ever seen a white boy hold so much heat?



Dude's pants are like a clown car. Since I was in high school during the Columbine thing, I get a little nostalgic seeing that. I miss the days when merely having raging hormones was grounds for being treated like a fugitive. All a 17 year old needs is an excess of reasons for angsty, rightgeous indignation. I also remember when Noixe got suspended for sponsoring a
game of assassin about two weeks after Columbine.

So many questions with this one. Are kids these days packing Derringers a la 1890? Did the producers steal this idea from "Fear of a Black Hat?" Do you think that anybody can sit down with a full-length shotgun in their pants? Is this how James Bond was able to carry so much shit at once in Goldeneye? With all those guns in his pants, where does he keep his drugs and pornography? Are you fucking with me?


-As a follow up to
last week's dime about Geno's Steaks owner Joey Vento's xenophobic tendancies, he went on Radio Times with hipster crush Marty Moss-Coane (who my girl says is the worst interviewer ever, a point with which I'm inclined to agree). Joey, who has the ill South Philly brogue, procedes make like IronyBot2.0 and butcher the English language while lambasting immigrants. "The economical opportunity...comes to those that speak English...The bottom line is, my grandparents had a very hard time with the English language...They were locked into that mold. They paid the price." Your boy has a saunch refusal to make sense. You can listen to his bullshit on WHYY's website (need real audio).

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Prelude to the jumpoff

With the International Fucked Up Haircut Festival AKA the World Cup coming up, I think I need to lay a sliver of knowledge on y'all in order to make it clear what's about to happen.



Uhh, yeah.

Youtube might be the single greatest repository of cultural information in the last 20 years. The pop culture vids and home videos combine to make it a really fascinating forum for observing cultural rediculousness with that elusive "two level effect." So on the one hand you get videos of people's cats wearing doll clothes. While on the same site you have seminal italo disco videos such as Orient Express by Wish Key, which features what I believe to be a cyborg woman wearing a trash bag doing calisthenic warm-ups. (Searching for "Orient Express" on Youtube also turns up the least captivating escort service commercial I've ever seen. Shit, all you have to say is "I can get you an Asian chick real, real fast.")

So in the process of all this italo video watching, I started doin some Youtube-centric research on a subject that will probably be the first grand brushstroke on the Just Sayin' canvas. Stay tuned.